I would like to take this chance to say that I'm not really looking for advice. I'm not looking for incredible amounts of sympathy. All I'm looking to do is to get some stuff off my chest and, hey, if you can associate with whatever I'm saying, then all the better.

I am also not doing this to represent a specific group of people. I am speaking for myself, about myself, and some issues I've been having as of late. These may change at any given time, as sex and sexuality tends to do.

alright. the tl;dring beings now





Does anybody else out there have this same sense of... being ill defined in many, many aspects of life? Or feel vaguely unsettled by the need for everything to be labeled, compartmentalized, and put into neat little boxes? Or even feel that there aren't any neat little boxes any more? For this I, of course, refer to the ever wonderful, ever annoying areas of Gender, Sex (intercourse, not physical sex), and clothing. Yes, clothing of all things. Pieces of damned fabric used to make you less cold - but hey, apparently I like to make a huge ordeal out of everything that I do.

I am female. I can happily accept that I am physically female. For the most part, I like my body... At very least I like it in silhouette. (You can tell you're an artist when...) I am physically female. I am fine with this. My gender and i don't always agree in the same way. I've felt myself drifting closer to being male identified, I've felt myself going closer towards the feminine. For a long while I felt like I was on the slightly girly side of androgyny. I may still be. I don't know. There's no strong pull either way any more. I don't feel any resonating with either. with anything. I'm happy knowing that I am female in body - and I could care less what people call me. Let them see what they'd like to, whether that be a boyish girl, or a girly boy. What anyone else thinks of me from first glance, whether it be "That's a boy!" "That's a girl!" or even "FAGGOT" doesn't really matter to me.

It is, however, a little unsettling. I don't know if gender dysphoria would be the correct term for this - I can't even say if this feeling is here to stay. For many, many years I was more than happy to go about my business, feeling female inside and out. But, that feeling has slowly shifted and changed. Hell, when I was a little, little kid I was as girly as they get. And then I got older and felt myself... resonating with such less and less. And it appears that it's continuing that downward slope. But at the same time it's not.

That does lead me into my next issue, I suppose. The word "Transvestite" carries a lot of negative connotations outside of the fetish community and has sort of left me, as a non-fetish-based-occasional-cross-dresser feeling... Well, lacking but not lacking a term. As stated before, I'm physically female. I absolutely love suits. I don't have one that fits me, much to my dismay. I've been making due for the longest time with shirts that are four or five sizes too big, vests that are the same, girl's pants, and a women's blazer. Needless to say, my makeshift suit is convincing no one. Especially not me. A part of me LIKES the far too big collared shirt - but that may just be because of the way the sleeves hang. (Yet again, you know you're an artist when...) But then there are dresses. Oh, then there's dresses.

I do love the feeling of a dress. Not one of those "oooo gurrlll u so fine in that dresssss" kind of dresses. I like long ones. I like ones with layers. Ones that you can FEEL when you move. or ones meant for winter. I used to be absolutely enthralled with such dresses, but as of late I've started to feel a little more separated from it all. I've put on dresses, looked in the mirror and gone... There's something not right about this image. There's something that feels incredibly confining about this. That isn't the Kaz that I know.

This feeling, however, could very well be a phase. I don't doubt that it's a phase, which is why I was reluctant to, and now regretful that I did attach a term to it. I know that my friends will love me no matter how I dress, but once more this isn't so much an issue of how other people see me, but more of an issue about how I feel about myself. Yes, of course there's the solution of "WHY NOT JUST SAY YOU LIKE WEARING SUITS AND DRESSES." That'd be the smart thing to say, wouldn't it? hahaha, I'm really not that smart, guys. I'm not that smart, and I don't... I don't know. I almost feel the same issue with gender is happening with clothing, as stupid as it is. I don't feel particular attachment or draw to either one. I feel equally comfortable, uncomfortable, at home, and displaced in whichever gender specific clothes I wear. Yes, it's dumb. Dumber than dumb. But hey, it's there. stupid clothes.

And then my last dumb little conundrum (for tonight): sex. haha. yeah. This is probably the dumbest part of this whole rant. (Is this a rant? I don't even know.) Uhh. This is also where I get awkward with everything, and also really vindictive and envious and stupid.

It'd be really, really nice if I could just go "Hello world! I'm a lesbian!" or "Hello world! I'm heterosexual!" or even "Hello world! I'm gray-asexual!" or ANYTHING. But I have yet to find a term that successfully identifies my physical and emotional attraction to people. Yes, I know I'm not alone in this part... at least, I don't think I am. I know very well that I'm not as educated in this area as I could be, so this really is one of the few parts where I'd be more than happy to hear advice on terms or things. I'm always willing to expand my vocabulary in that regard.

But I. I can't even begin to describe the odds I've put myself at for this. I am, to start, attracted to men. Sometimes. If they're the right body type. And sometimes if they're not. And sometimes if they are the usual body type I'm attracted to I still feel nothing. And then there are girls. Oh Jesus, girls, where do I start. I find myself far more easily emotionally attached to girls. I don't know if it has to do with (and this is a broad generalization, please forgive me for it) girls being generally more emotional, or if it's due to some other weird factor, but there it is. I like girls with curves, girls who look friggin strong. I like the notion of cuddling with girls, I like very many of the visual aspects of girls. I feel much more comfortable with being touched by girls, casual contact and other such contact. But at the same time I don't. I find myself looking at women thinking that they're some of the most beautiful people I've ever been able to behold, and I find myself easily falling head over heals for them... But my actual attraction to them is... Well, it isn't.

Yes, I know that there's a difference between romantic and sexual attractions, and that your feelings can vary from gender to gender. I know that in many cases, there are no little neat boxes, there are no lines to separate where one person goes or another one does. I know this, but it does not ease this... uncertainty at all. I don't feel comfortable. I don't know what signals I'm broadcasting, or what signals I'm receiving. As much as it may be true or untrue, I feel... distant from it all? Envious that it's so easy for so many people to go "Oh, yes, I like the cock. well, that settles that." or "Hmm. I see you have titties. I quite enjoy titties myself, we should compare notes and by notes I mean let's fuck." And then I'm just sitting here going.... Haaa....um.... I'm attracted to......... Something? I think? Yes. No. Wait. Crap.

One of my new friends from school said that I fit under the blanket term "Queer" which does and doesn't apply? But I think that Queer was/is being used as a general word for those with a "non-conventional sexuality" or something like that? Yet again, a term I don't really resonate with. It's a good term, and I'm more that sure that a great many people find solace in it... but I'm not certain that I do.

So. Uh. yes. Yes I think that'll do for this little emotional vent thing.

Uhhh. Yeah. So I'm dumb and indecisive and even more dumb.

I'm just going to.

Going to go sit in the corner with my dumb feels for a while.




hahaaaaaaa wow hey how's everybody else doing this evening