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What To Say When Sales People Call
13 years ago
~Remember when your mom told you she loved you?~
1. Tell them that they must have the wrong number; only God lives here.
2. When they call back, tell them that this is the Devil's residence.
3. Tell them that he/she is in deep meditation and may stay that way for several days.
4. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias that you have in stock.
5. Start telling them your life story.
6. Explain to them about your intense hatred of sales people; ask where they live.
7. Reply to all their questions in song.
8. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other language.
9. Hand the phone over to the youngest member of the house (under 5). Tell him/her that it's Santa.
10. As soon as they name the corporation that they represent, start barking relentlessly.
11. Start trying to give them a psychological analysis.
12. Demand that they refer to you as Dr. Chopsticks.
13. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.
14. Ask them what color of underwear they are wearing.
15. Describe your socks in great detail.
16. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.
17. Whiningly tell person that it is past your bedtime.
18. Midway through the conversation say, "OH NO, Phil!! You've done it again!! I told you that that knife was too sharp!! Now how are we going to come up with the money again for another funeral?!"
19. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.
20. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM!
21. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender; later, tell them that they were wrong.
22. Ask for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat some more.
23. Burst into tears when they go to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!!!"
24. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.
25. When they ask to speak to you, spend a really long time trying to decide if that is your name and ask them to remind you of it occasionally.
26. Proudly explain that they are the first person you've spoken to since your return to Earth.
27. In the middle of the conversation, start humming the Sesame Street theme song; when they try to speak, sound surprised and ask, "Is someone there?!"
28. Begin snoring.
29. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to a better place.
30. Tell them in great detail what the dog (or cat) hacked up today.
