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Can I get a do-over on my life?
13 years ago
A long time ago I thought of the fantasy of turning back the clock to an earlier time in my life, and then moving forward again armed with some foreknowledge. I think it may be a common fantasy, but it's not often dwelt upon because there's no point to it. But it can be a deeply felt fantasy, one that stays with you, as it has with me. Not a week goes by that some thought of it doesn't enter my mind. For most of my life I've been dreaming of a replay where I'm wiser than I was before. Sometimes, I wish for this impossible dream very strongly.
My fantasy has an exact date in mind: Christmas Eve, 1972. Exactly forty years ago. I'm seven years old, a little boy with glasses moving with the family from public housing in Brooklyn to a newly bought suburban house, forty miles away in Spring Valley. Leaving home and school to a place where everything is new, it's the best place to re-insert myself into my own life - there's nothing immediate to remember, just pay attention and become re-introduced to the new neighborhood and school. Because that's where, I feel, something went wrong for me, and when I started picking up what would become lifelong asocial habits.
Entering in the middle of a second grade class, I no longer memorized the names of every classmate, nor got to know most of them. This didn't improve with third of fourth grade. I had childhood friends on my street, but not really ever in school. When that school closed and students were assigned to other local schools, the re-adjustment there went no better. I was allowed to be shy and naive, and not encouraged to be assertive, so by the end of elementary school I was an easy mark for teasing and petty bullying - rarely the physically threatening kind, but that cropped up a few times in junior high. I wasn't encouraged to defend myself - a very serious mistake, I think. Cub Scout and Boy Scout involvement helped some, but I was too easily picked on in that environment as well. I didn't play with other kids at recess. Public school experience taught me to find peace in solitude, and to prefer it. That's when this fantasy first came to me.
As a result, I missed out on a lot of things. Hanging out and partying. Going to live music shows - who wants to go alone? Never dating - there was one fling in high school, but only one, and I remained a virgin. No prom for me. This asocial pattern continued through art college, which I commuted to from home every day like a job - economically convenient at the time, but another mistake not to get out on my own. And the pattern remains throughout adult life.
Art college did get me involved in fandom, which I'm grateful for, otherwise I'd have had no social life at all. Even then, I find it very hard to mingle with strangers at conventions and feel alone without people I already know. I dislike "networking" and taking a genuine interest in other people doesn't come easily.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It's important to me not to mistake illusions for reality, but it's strange how I cling to this one.
My fantasy has an exact date in mind: Christmas Eve, 1972. Exactly forty years ago. I'm seven years old, a little boy with glasses moving with the family from public housing in Brooklyn to a newly bought suburban house, forty miles away in Spring Valley. Leaving home and school to a place where everything is new, it's the best place to re-insert myself into my own life - there's nothing immediate to remember, just pay attention and become re-introduced to the new neighborhood and school. Because that's where, I feel, something went wrong for me, and when I started picking up what would become lifelong asocial habits.
Entering in the middle of a second grade class, I no longer memorized the names of every classmate, nor got to know most of them. This didn't improve with third of fourth grade. I had childhood friends on my street, but not really ever in school. When that school closed and students were assigned to other local schools, the re-adjustment there went no better. I was allowed to be shy and naive, and not encouraged to be assertive, so by the end of elementary school I was an easy mark for teasing and petty bullying - rarely the physically threatening kind, but that cropped up a few times in junior high. I wasn't encouraged to defend myself - a very serious mistake, I think. Cub Scout and Boy Scout involvement helped some, but I was too easily picked on in that environment as well. I didn't play with other kids at recess. Public school experience taught me to find peace in solitude, and to prefer it. That's when this fantasy first came to me.
As a result, I missed out on a lot of things. Hanging out and partying. Going to live music shows - who wants to go alone? Never dating - there was one fling in high school, but only one, and I remained a virgin. No prom for me. This asocial pattern continued through art college, which I commuted to from home every day like a job - economically convenient at the time, but another mistake not to get out on my own. And the pattern remains throughout adult life.
Art college did get me involved in fandom, which I'm grateful for, otherwise I'd have had no social life at all. Even then, I find it very hard to mingle with strangers at conventions and feel alone without people I already know. I dislike "networking" and taking a genuine interest in other people doesn't come easily.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It's important to me not to mistake illusions for reality, but it's strange how I cling to this one.
Well - we loves ya! You're always great to talk to, creative, enjoyable to be around.
So there!
I noticed I started going down hill in high School. Had to do with how I stopped memorizing about everything. I had an extremely good memory and could even remember spacially were quotes were in a book. I'd memorize nearly everything that would be on a test. I had extensive knowledge bases about whatever I was a geek for. I got nothing that solid anymore -- it's not worth it anymore. The less I care, the less I remember, the less rich my inner experience is. And the isolation is a big part of it. I think people do things largely for social goals, and when there's no social reward, or when the hope of having one is dim, there goes the reason to do a lot of peripheral things. The last big blow to my social goals happened in a Waffle House either last year or the year before. I had an epiphany about myself and other people, and isolation. It devastated most drive to meet new people face to face.
Jr High was not much better. I was a loner still, a few friends and thats it.
High School was a shock to me. But I also switched my defenses into full swing and managed to survive my Freshman year those first few weeks as the Seniors thought I was a sophmore. I was then to develop bad habits like smoking and not giving a crap. I too had a very very brief fling in High School...I later find out I got her pregnant and she moved away. Rumors were from girls she still knew was she gave birth to a girl. I have a 36 year old daughter out there somewhere I never met.
I was also what today would be called the "Trench Coat Mafia", I wore cammies cause of a dear friend who wore them in Vietnam and later committed suicide in my back yard (he and my sister were gonna get married, what happened to him is why I totally respect and greet Nam vets to this day.) I managed to find a few others like minded and we hung out.
But the big parties, the prom, even graduation parties...I wasn't invited or went to. I never attended concerts cause I never dated for years, I buried myself in my jobs.
I managed to date again, even fall in love, but that blew up in my face and I didn't date again for years. It took the fandom to open my doors and socialize.
But I am finding myself shut out again, even in the fandom. Mainly due to my age and not willing to get drunk or stoned.
But yeah...every week I wish I could turn back the clock and fix a wrong for the better....I have a ton of those wishes now....but we can't...sadly.
What guy?
That guy who didn't socialize much in school and didn't care if the other kids wanted to talk to me or not. When I did show an interest in anything, it almost always got shut down (for some strange reason I still don't get, I was once actually voted to represent my home room to Student Council in high school... then after exactly one meeting the council was shut down for the rest of the year because someone brought drugs and was trying to sell them to other council members... I didn't see it and I have no idea who would have been so fucking stupid).
I didn't care much for school because the other kids wouldn't leave me alone, and even as far back as grade school I didn't bother remembering the names of the other students. I just wanted to be left alone and get away from them. Seriously. My fifth grade teacher once gave me the graded homework to hand back, and I had to ask where everyone was seated because I didn't recognize the names on the papers (she never asked me to do that again).
My high school graduating class has had three reunions. I haven't been bothered to RSVP to any of them (I notice the reunions are getting smaller each time -- maybe I'm not the only one who doesn't bother?).
So would I turn back the clock to redo my school days? Oh, fucking hell no. No way. I might be tempted for other reasons, but not that one. Once was enough.
Heh. This brings back interesting memories of my childhood: I rarely hung out with a big crowd, but was good at striking up acquaintances. For example, if I found myself at the Franklin Institute by myself, (or in an arcade in Atlantic City, or whatever)* I'd find another kid to hang out with for the afternoon. To this day, I feel it's more fun to do stuff with a companion of some sort, tho I don't really have a problem flying solo as well...
*'Course, this would be nearly fifty years ago, when it was SAFE to do that sort of thing. :P