Sorry to hear all that, wish you strength to go on and that fever to go away as quick as possible. *hugs*

Thanks. *hugs* You're a dear. ^.=.^ I'm working on coloring your art. I think it'll look really awesome lineless if I can pull it off. ^.=.^;

Looking forward to see it ^_^
Take care and hope this year will be much better than the last.

Thanks. ^.=.^ I should have it done in a few days if I can shake this cold. X.=.x I only got one color down yesterday though. I have to hold it up to a light to do the lineless part, and my hands told me a stern "no" after that. >.=.<

good to know this doc treated you better than the last jackass...did he mark you a doppler becuase of the pulmonar hypertension issue?

No. He thinks I have anemia again and maybe a thyroid problem. Waiting on my blood work results. If they don't show anything to be causing all this, then I'll discuss that with him. He didn't think it was that, but I also don't think he'd ever heard of it (not a cardiologist, after all). At least he agreed I have arthritis. If the blood work says I have RA, then I'm sure next time we'll discuss treatment options and what RA can cause (like the above mentioned pulmonary hypertension). X.=.x

at least a doctor is finally (partially) listening to you

Yeah. At least I'm finally getting some much-needed blood work done, and I didn't completely freak out about having a needle in my arm for 5 minutes. X.=.x

(sorry for the late late answer, college exams week *_*)

checked your last journal entry as well...you finally let it all out. You did well (I'm sorry none of your local friends have been able to visit you), sometimes unburden a lil bit is good. I used to have that "pride problem" when I got my depression a few years ago. I swallowed my feelings for months thinking I'd sound stupid if I told my problems to somebody, even if it was my mom...bullsh*t, I was getting moron without realising it, the problems fermenting inside me and I won't let them out, talking often to someone about them is really helpful, even if the relief feeling just last a few days

also read that your bloodtests didn't help you :/ similar situation here, last weekend I made the heart exams my cardiologist recommended...nothing. Officially I have nothing. So why the f*ck sometimes my chest hurt as hell and if someone hits me on the chest, over the heart, even if it's softly, it's like I've been kicked in the balls, I feel dizzy, it hurts a lot and it's difficult to breath?! Now I have also to wait till my next consultation to get this clear...till there, I still wake up in the morning and I can't think too much about that. I'm alive so nothing can stop me from fighting for my daily goals. I just need to be careful and...one day at a time! :p

Yeah, just take it easy for now. >.=.> *hug* I've had a similar problem of getting dizzy when I stand and having a "butterflies" feeling in my heart, but they didn't know what it was on my end either. X.=.x Apparently most of that can actually be caused by stress, so you be sure to relax too. =3 Could just be stressing ourselves sick. Alternatively, there are several different things that can cause that, so maybe the next doctor visit will find something...

I don't even have reasons to complain this much...I mean, besides this heart issue that probably is just a temporary situation: is january, weather is cold, cloudy and rainy, but I'm on exams period, not CLASSES period...except for the days that I have an exam at 9am, I can wake up when I want. It's the 1st winter I don't feel that horrible thing of having to wake up in the morning at 7am, bed is so warm and the room is so cold...I can enjoy sleeping as long as I want! :p And I'm not outside fighting against wind and rain with my umbrella and 6 layers of cloth (including that superheavy overcoat that barely lets you breath xD) cellphone, wallet, train and bus tickets in the pockets a backpack full of heavy books (I hate backpacks and having things in the pockets >:p), I can study quietly at home, wrapped in a soft blanket xD

you're the really force of nature, I imagine what it feels like having all that health issues and still you have to take care of eevee, your pets and do your commissions

College can be great sometimes. ^.=.^

you're the really force of nature, I imagine what it feels like having all that health issues and still you have to take care of eevee, your pets and do your commissions

This. This makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Someone noticed how I feel. *hug* My therapist was happily and thankfully surprised that I was able to keep going sheerly out of determination. You have no idea how much every morning I just want to not get out of bed... to relax... to just have one freaking day to myself to do nothing... But I don't get that. I have a baby I am almost solely responsible for. Ragnar is gone all day at work, and I'm left to watch her, feed her, change her, play with her, and take her to her appointments or with me to mine. My calendar this month has 13 appointments on it so far and more to be added, probably to 15 or 16. That means half the days this month I will have to drive Ragnar to work at 9am (meaning wake Eevee up early, get her dressed and fed, walk and feed the dogs, feed our parrot and make sure her water is clean, and -hopefully- eat breakfast so I can even take my painkiller AFTER all that), drop him off, get back home, try to get some work done (ie, commissions, dishes, laundry, etc.) while Eevee is playing or watching a movie, make sure Eevee gets her sippy cup of milk and takes her nap at or around 11, take me/her to my/her appointment (I schedule them all after naptime for a reason), get home from said appointment (all of mine are an hour away!), get Eevee changed, fed lunch, some play time, sippy cup, and to her second nap by 4, try to get some more work done around the house or on commissions until she wakes up at 5:30-6, change another diaper, play until 6:30, get her cleaned up and ready to go, pick up Rangar by 7, either go pick up dinner (which we can't afford) or get home, walk the dogs again, make or let Ragnar make dinner, feed us and Eevee, -on a great day- give Eevee a bath, get Eevee her last sippy cup, lay her down to sleep, spend a few moments of quality time with Ragnar if possible, and then go to bed at a reasonable time. Last night we got to bed at 11, I couldn't sleep, and I ended up staying up until 3am. X.=.x This is my average day. I do all this while hurting constantly, more so when I move, stand, bend over, or sit still too long. Meanwhile, my brain is constantly working against me bringing up the worst possible outcome for everything and telling me I should just give up and stop moving and that everyone that isn't someone I trust completely is trying to kill me and/or judging every action I do. I'm terrified every time I leave my apartment, particularly without Ragnar with me. I am constantly fighting and bouncing between severe depression and terrible anxiety and panic attack problems. Meanwhile, standing makes me dizzy, nauseous, and swell. This is my day.

I feel like I should post this as its own journal. */end rant*

wow...what a day *.* it's like having 2 or 3 jobs, more your dad issue now...and you can't stop, or all the system fails :s that encourages me even more not to use health problems as an excuse to stop...we're not rich or famous, we have to work to reach our goals, even if that means sacrifice

well...I don't know if you're a believer but...God bless you Shayla, you really deserve better days when all that hush-hush is over

I gave up on trying to be Christian after being the best I possibly could for years and watching my mother die slowly of stroke while being incoherent, unable to move her right side, unable to comprehend that the right side of her body wasn't moving, and unable to remember what decade it was. For the two months she lived after her stroke, it made her Alzheimer's so much worse she couldn't remember her friends, that her parents died years ago, or that her first husband was dead. She thought sometimes that she was 16 and asked about a dog none of us had ever met. She fell several times because no one was with her while I was at school and Dad was working and the nurses couldn't do their damn job. She had a bruise covering the whole left side of her face because she thought she could stand and the nurse didn't bother to read that she couldn't and let go of her after her got her to the bathroom. She wasn't even coherent enough to call for help. She thought the nursing home she was in for a month was a hotel and she didn't recognize her own dog when we took her to see her. What kind of a merciful Being lets a child watch something like that happen? Or let what happened to me when I was a kid happen? Or freaking half the things I've been though... If there is a God, he cares nothing about our suffering.

Dad can never drive again. The doctors said so. He has lost coordination and memory and is no longer safe to drive. He fell out of bed last night and called us at 3am to drive the 30 minutes to help him off the floor. Thankfully, a friend who was closer went and helped him back to the bathroom and to bed, but we were still up for an hour trying to figure out if he was okay and if we needed to drive over. He fell off the bed at 10 at night, but he decided he was just tired and slept there until 3. That's how my dad found my mom after she had her stroke. I called my adoptive siblings to ask them for their help. One will soon be homeless and called to comfort him. The doctor living in a $500k+ house called and explained his medical problems to him and what he'd be going through in the hospital next week when they remove his gallbladder and some chunks of his liver now that they have /confirmed/ he has cancer. The other is a waspy bitch who said, and I quote, "What can I do?" She's also mostly retired and just got back from an island vacation, but she certainly isn't going to lift a finger to come out here and help him. She didn't even call him. She just argued with me over the phone about how I need to "step up" and "do more" and "be involved" because Dad needs me and said "I'm not planning on moving to OK." She also said some bullshit about how we're "all suffering" and that my husband should help out more... I hate my family. Every one of them. At least I still tolerate my birth mother (now sister because I was adopted to her parents)... The rest could mostly die in a fire and I wouldn't miss them or go to their funerals. Screw all of them, and not in the incestual way.

Once again, I should probably post my reply here as a new journal... but... not right now. I'm done with this crap. I'm going to bed, and if I get up at all tomorrow it will be too soon... And I will, because I have to, because it's Eevee's first birthday and we have to be at Dad's for lunch so I can take care of his animals again and feed him because otherwise none of it will get done. -pissed-

my faith is something I'm still trying to find...there's lots of pro and con arguments, still can't decide *_*

all that situation is becoming unbearable just for you and your husband, glad to know your sister finally decided to help you out there. Is she the one who told you to "step up","do more" and all that crap?

Good luck. I'm personally a Christo-Pagan, though which one I lean more on changed by the day...

YES. This is the same sibling. Now that she's here, I warned her up front I didn't want to hear her bullshit about how Dad's house (and mine and my car) are dirty. When we got to Dad's and she was playing with Eevee she asked Eevee if she was cold because she wasn't wearing pants (I keep a blanket over her outside). She stared at me like I was crazy when I told her it was because we couldn't afford more clothes that fit her than the 5 or so outfits she has - which are almost all short-sleeve dresses, some with pants to match. All the clothes she has were given to us. She has no shoes, a few pair of socks, and doesn't have a coat. We're poor. Congratulations, you rich bitch. We can't all afford to buy clothes. I told her the gift certificate she gave us for Christmas bought us things like socks and underwear because Ragnar and I couldn't afford new ones and all of ours were full of holes and basically falling apart... She just said I should go to the thrift store. I told her "Sure. On Thursday it's five for a dollar. I might have a dollar in change in my pocket." Well, twenty cents, anyway. I checked. I don't.

She got it through her head by the time I left that I was having problems. She didn't see me move until we got to Dad's (didn't get out of the car when I picked her up at the airport). She saw how I could barely walk and have a noticeable limp. She saw I mostly drag my left foot because that knee hurts to bend. She saw that I struggled just to lift Eevee and had to sit her down every ten feet or so. She saw that when I went to leave, I got dizzy, almost fell, had to sit Eevee back down so I could sit down again, had to wheeze and catch my breath, and was holding my chest because being tired/stressed/standing gave me heart palpitations. Maybe now she gets it. Maybe now she won't be such a damn bitch and keep telling me how I need to do this and that and clean and bathe more and take better care of Dad and work. I. Can't.

*/end rant* Sorry.

seeing you like that will obviously oper her eyes (except if she's bitchy enough for not doing it, let's not think in that case). very glad she is there with you. remember she's the only help you have there to help you in your situation, I mean...if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't throw everything I think about her in her face now...just in case :#

sorry for the very late answer again :s exams period definitely killed my free times. last one is tomorrow. calculus. then I can rest for a week *phew*

Woof, that's a pain in the butt..err paws >>. Glad you finally got to see a doctor though. Least with them knowing more of what's going on, they have a better idea of how to go about treating it.

Yeah... take lots of pain killers. X.=.x -sigh- I'm supposed to get a call today to find out more detail on what's wrong. >.=.<