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How I feel after returning from my father's funeral...
13 years ago
Am still... Out of it. Have gotten almost nothing done. Gotta do this paperwork I just got for disability benefits. Am still... in a daze, I guess. Still catching up on my messages... Nothing really important... I kinda blew a lot of them off. Kinda just want to... sleep... do nothing... idk... cry? Have been really angry today... It's how I cope with being sad. Idk what to do... We may or may not have a house soon. We'd have to take out a mortgage to pay off a house that was already willed to me because the debt on it has to be paid... My sister said we'd talk about the house tomorrow when she's home and settled... maybe she has some better ideas... I really don't know what's going on anymore... I just feel really sad and lonely and vulnerable without... without Dad there... -cries- We argued a lot, but he was always there when I needed something... always made me feel safe... like I'd have somewhere to go back to if anything bad happened... Even after Mom died almost exactly five years ago... I just... I feel like an orphan. ;-;
All this paperwork just reminds me how mentally deficient I am... and how much I need someone to care for me... If something happened to my husband right now, I'd have no home, no money, no income, no hope of income... and a baby and pets to take care of... I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't clean myself, I wouldn't leave the apartment... I'd just... sit here... and wait for someone to take me away... or... starve... or sleep until I don't wake up... I didn't just lose my father. I lost one of two people who could ever motivate me to care about myself... or anything, really... I feel a part of me died with him; a part that will never heal and never go away that will forever leave me feeling hollow inside... Like everything up to this point has somehow been a dream.
We are on the verge of a new beginning. But where is the line between remembering the past and clinging to it desperately as the last remaining lifeline? ... Where is the line you cross from moving on with your life to forgetting where you came from? How do I move forward when my footing has been removed and I feel as though I am falling through a bottomless abyss into nothingness?
If Dad were here... He'd know how to fix things... He always knew how to fix things... Everything is broken now without you here... I love you, Daddy... I will never stop missing you...
All this paperwork just reminds me how mentally deficient I am... and how much I need someone to care for me... If something happened to my husband right now, I'd have no home, no money, no income, no hope of income... and a baby and pets to take care of... I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't clean myself, I wouldn't leave the apartment... I'd just... sit here... and wait for someone to take me away... or... starve... or sleep until I don't wake up... I didn't just lose my father. I lost one of two people who could ever motivate me to care about myself... or anything, really... I feel a part of me died with him; a part that will never heal and never go away that will forever leave me feeling hollow inside... Like everything up to this point has somehow been a dream.
We are on the verge of a new beginning. But where is the line between remembering the past and clinging to it desperately as the last remaining lifeline? ... Where is the line you cross from moving on with your life to forgetting where you came from? How do I move forward when my footing has been removed and I feel as though I am falling through a bottomless abyss into nothingness?
If Dad were here... He'd know how to fix things... He always knew how to fix things... Everything is broken now without you here... I love you, Daddy... I will never stop missing you...
not sure what i could say to help you out, but all i can suggested is to keep on doing what you want to like to do.
Keep drawing, keep your mind focus on that then from the loss and sadness, try not to allow it to run you life. Your in control, not the depression.
I do however very sorry for what has happen to you. I don't know how i would handle it if my mother or father pass away, hopefully not soon, i couldn't handle it at my current state.
You still have your Husband though, try to remember that he's there for you.
If you need work though to help you though this, i'll be more then happy to pay for another commission, if you need it of coarse...
I been worried for you since the news, and i bet all the others here as well. We will support you if you need it, just remember that.
Before either of my parents were even ill, I had PTSD (at 3, no less) and was terrified that everyone was going to abandon me and I would be helpless... And now, I have only my husband to cling to and am filing for disability.
But life is hard. I found that out the hard way. It's never been easy for me, but I'm stronger for the ride. It's not my first time dealing with tragedy. I already see a therapist weekly (will see her Friday). I'll be depressed and I'll probably whine and moan about it for a while... But I'll be alright... Might take a few months to get everything settled, decided, and moved around... and I'll still be sad when I think about all this for... well, probably forever... But I will keep going, if slowly. And once everything has been settled, we'll be much better off. Dad always did look out for us... -.=.-;
You still have Travis...
I've got to get all this disability paperwork done (they sent me four different packages of forms to fill out) and take it to them tomorrow. Was sent Jan 29th and said to reply within 10 days or they'd be more likely to reject my application, but it obviously got here after I left for the funeral. >.=.< We'll have to fill it all out tonight and take it up there tomorrow... Hopefully they won't be assholes about it, though I fully expect to be rejected anyway and then have to pay a lawyer to review my case (as happens in about 90% of disability cases)... =/
This Travis also offers you my deepest sympathies. But other then that I don't know what to say that might make you feel better. I hope that life will treat you better in the weeks and years to come.
Some take longer to heal than others though. -hugs you tightly- Oh sweetie you have a lot of friends to support you. You know me and Prime wouldn't let you lose yourself like that hypothetical situation. At least I wouldn't.
-sighs gently- You can talk to me anytime, honey... and I'll try my damnest to reply quickly.