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Stationery Adventures.
12 years ago
A little background: some of you may know that I'm a bit crazy about the color black. It's not my favorite color by any means, but I find the uniformity and featureless quality it provides to be most satisfying. You've likely noticed all my clothes are black. What you don't know is that my bed, nightstand, pillows, walls (soon), computer, laundry hamper, deodorant, phone, tail, incense, camelback, belts, speakers, earbuds, and lights are all black as well. If I knew it wouldn't give me cancer or something, I would take a can of black spray paint to everything I own, including my food and water. This below is just one of the many times I have encountered some difficulty with my affinity for darkness.
Have I told you of my great stationery adventures?
I have a single sheet of black notebook paper that I've held onto since middle school.
A friend in Theatre I class gave it to me.
I thought it was incredibly badass.
I kept it in my bag, planning to find and buy some more at the next opportunity.
Less than a week after receiving this wondrous gift, I begin a long and arduous search for this amazing new kind of paper.
I start at Walmart.
No dice.
It's Walmart. They're not supposed to have specialized stuff like that, right?
So I head to Michaels.
A shop for nothing but specialty crafts, foam, paper, pens, and art.
Still nothing.
All they have is construction paper. No lines. Not thin, yet perfectly opaque like this amazing leaflet of darkness I hold.
Office Max?
"We have green, yellow, powder blue, and tan printer paper. Not what you're looking for?"
Years later, I find that piece of paper again.
My need to express my individuality has by then rocketed to a fever pitch.
I'm already making new rules about not buying anything new unless it's black.
My passion for dark documents is rekindled.
My search begins anew!
I fail terribly again.
I get desperate.
I start searching online.
I find art stores across the nation who say they might have it.
But time and time again, I receive the same response upon actually calling them: What?! Black notebook paper doesn't exist!
To google images then!
"200,000 images found".
I click excitedly, about ready to burst out of my own skin, so incredibly eager to finally find such an elusive item.
Page after page of notebooks with black covers. Not black pages. Black covers.
*facedesk*
It is at this point I know I need help.
To yahoo answers!
To reddit!
To ridiculously specialized art forums!
No dice.
It's like screaming into an endless abyss of nothingness.
But finally, I find an old, decrepit metafilter article in the basement of the internet, on the twenty-fourth page of my search results.
Someone had phrased the question exactly how I would've; exasperated completely with the incompetence of search engines and people who didn't know how to read.
That brave soul made sure to make it absolutely CRYSTAL CLEAR that they were looking for black. loose leaf. notebook. paper. With lines.
And another blessed user had chimed in with an alternate definition: Gel ink paper.
HALLELUJAH!
And they had provided a link!
And I clicked upon that link with great enthusiasm, hoping against hope that perhaps the owner of the company that made this rare gem of writing wonders hadn't gone under in the time since the post was made in 2005.
But of course, hope is only meant to be crushed.
With a 404 error.
Of doom.
But wait! Further down the page! Another link! From someone in the far distant past of 2007!
A click and I'm through.
I'm in my dream world.
Someone had actually created an entire sub-category in their specialty paper website just for black paper.
Black paper on pads.
Black sticky notes.
Frilly little black journals.
Black, white lined, loose leaf, three hole punched, LOOSE LEAF notebook paper!
...with pretty little heart designs on it.
I have since used their 'contact us' form.
And called them.
Several times.
Those poor fools, leaving their phone number so available to prying eyes.
I have also left a message.
More of a sobbing, begging plea.
With a bit more research, I have discovered that they are a company based in Wisconsin.
But they attend scrapbooking conventions!
WHICH PASS THROUGH FORT WORTH AND THE WOODLANDS.
If I have no response to my message by the next week, I shall have to try the fax number they have listed.
If there is still nothing in the way of response then, I shall track them down.
I will push over glitter stands.
I will shove aside bored soccer moms.
I will wreak havoc the likes of which has never been seen by even the most battle-hardened of scrapbooking aficionados.
And I will get. my. black. paper.
Today, I only keep this majestic noir masterpiece around to hold together my sanity. I hold in my hands the only proof to the world that I'm not insane. This paper exists. I'm not crazy. Those michael's people are crazy! *cackles maniacally and gets tranq'd*
Have I told you of my great stationery adventures?
I have a single sheet of black notebook paper that I've held onto since middle school.
A friend in Theatre I class gave it to me.
I thought it was incredibly badass.
I kept it in my bag, planning to find and buy some more at the next opportunity.
Less than a week after receiving this wondrous gift, I begin a long and arduous search for this amazing new kind of paper.
I start at Walmart.
No dice.
It's Walmart. They're not supposed to have specialized stuff like that, right?
So I head to Michaels.
A shop for nothing but specialty crafts, foam, paper, pens, and art.
Still nothing.
All they have is construction paper. No lines. Not thin, yet perfectly opaque like this amazing leaflet of darkness I hold.
Office Max?
"We have green, yellow, powder blue, and tan printer paper. Not what you're looking for?"
Years later, I find that piece of paper again.
My need to express my individuality has by then rocketed to a fever pitch.
I'm already making new rules about not buying anything new unless it's black.
My passion for dark documents is rekindled.
My search begins anew!
I fail terribly again.
I get desperate.
I start searching online.
I find art stores across the nation who say they might have it.
But time and time again, I receive the same response upon actually calling them: What?! Black notebook paper doesn't exist!
To google images then!
"200,000 images found".
I click excitedly, about ready to burst out of my own skin, so incredibly eager to finally find such an elusive item.
Page after page of notebooks with black covers. Not black pages. Black covers.
*facedesk*
It is at this point I know I need help.
To yahoo answers!
To reddit!
To ridiculously specialized art forums!
No dice.
It's like screaming into an endless abyss of nothingness.
But finally, I find an old, decrepit metafilter article in the basement of the internet, on the twenty-fourth page of my search results.
Someone had phrased the question exactly how I would've; exasperated completely with the incompetence of search engines and people who didn't know how to read.
That brave soul made sure to make it absolutely CRYSTAL CLEAR that they were looking for black. loose leaf. notebook. paper. With lines.
And another blessed user had chimed in with an alternate definition: Gel ink paper.
HALLELUJAH!
And they had provided a link!
And I clicked upon that link with great enthusiasm, hoping against hope that perhaps the owner of the company that made this rare gem of writing wonders hadn't gone under in the time since the post was made in 2005.
But of course, hope is only meant to be crushed.
With a 404 error.
Of doom.
But wait! Further down the page! Another link! From someone in the far distant past of 2007!
A click and I'm through.
I'm in my dream world.
Someone had actually created an entire sub-category in their specialty paper website just for black paper.
Black paper on pads.
Black sticky notes.
Frilly little black journals.
Black, white lined, loose leaf, three hole punched, LOOSE LEAF notebook paper!
...with pretty little heart designs on it.
I have since used their 'contact us' form.
And called them.
Several times.
Those poor fools, leaving their phone number so available to prying eyes.
I have also left a message.
More of a sobbing, begging plea.
With a bit more research, I have discovered that they are a company based in Wisconsin.
But they attend scrapbooking conventions!
WHICH PASS THROUGH FORT WORTH AND THE WOODLANDS.
If I have no response to my message by the next week, I shall have to try the fax number they have listed.
If there is still nothing in the way of response then, I shall track them down.
I will push over glitter stands.
I will shove aside bored soccer moms.
I will wreak havoc the likes of which has never been seen by even the most battle-hardened of scrapbooking aficionados.
And I will get. my. black. paper.
Today, I only keep this majestic noir masterpiece around to hold together my sanity. I hold in my hands the only proof to the world that I'm not insane. This paper exists. I'm not crazy. Those michael's people are crazy! *cackles maniacally and gets tranq'd*
