wow.

for the first time in my life (as far as I can remember- at least within 7 years), my thighs touched today. I wish I could tell you how proud I am of myself or how I worked so hard to become comfortable enough with myself to allow healthy weight gain. but instead, I felt sick and disgusted.

I feel gross. Not only because of my weight gain, but because I can't see any healthiness or beauty in it. I'm disgusted by my thoughts. I've always felt that women with wonderful healthy thighs are beautiful. I've always love the shape of fat on a woman's body. so why is it so disgusting on me?

but I feel foreign in my own body. The one thing I used to fight so hard against is finally claiming me. fat. healthy fat, but fat nonetheless. I thought that if I just started eating what I wanted, felt acceptable of my appearance, and just enjoyed myself, I could gain weight and feel okay.

to put it into perspective, I'm not very confident in myself. I haven't posted art in months because I'm embarassed and disappointed that I couldn't make something better. Fucking Reiker... I've made them so much art but I have avoided posting anything or communicating because I'm not confident on what I've made. So many pieces laying around drawers and crumpled under books. I'm so sorry guys.

anyway, i just don't feel really good about things anymore. and I'm sorry for just sort of avoiding fa in general. I keep falling back into my self harm habits, eating way too much from stupid fucking emotions, and making my fiancé break down from watching me do this to myself. I've just been so weird about life lately, that I'm embarassed to even be on an art site- seeing all of this beautiful work vs my one dimensional shit.

I'm sorry guys. you're all fabulous. and I'm truly, genuinely sorry for not being as involved anymore.

x
walf

ps
sorry for being a weird emotional little shit. but you all deserved to know.