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Leaving
13 years ago
General
Lately I haven’t felt right in the head. I’ve been plagued by self-doubt, by unpleasant realizations that the high standards I set for myself are standards that I don’t have the patience and the ability to meet. I recognize that my creativity is shot, and that for years now I’ve been in a rut that shows no sign of ending.
That same rut only compounds my trouble, as no only in drawing, but in my chosen field of Graphic Design, my efforts are lackluster and blank, showing no real innovation. I know what’s at fault here, it’s me. It’s my inability to know how to search for tools, for not knowing ahead of time what it is that I should look for, and it’s my fault for not knowing how to implement the things that I don’t know and not being able to properly use the things that I already have.
It’s this feeling that’s hung over me for over a month now, and I have to say that it’s only hurting me and everyone that I know. It’s to that point that I just can’t keep talking to people when I know that I am comically meant to be alone, and to fight that preordained motion is to race against futility. When my art doesn’t get anything noted, when nothing is said, it is a void in my heart that says that it was worth only a casual glance, that it wasn’t offensive, but nothing in it was worth noting, mentioning, thanking, critiquing, or otherwise. It is silence that shows that my work is unimportant and a nuisance, rather than any meaningful contribution to anything whatsoever.
With that being said, it’s another part of why my self-worth and self-esteem have been rapidly declining. With family making clear my faults every day, I am reminded constantly that no matter what it is that I do, it will never be enough to satisfy them, or anyone else. It’s that race of futility again, knowing full well that there are things to be done; and that no matter what’s done, there will always be something wrong with it, anger ensues, shouting, then separation.
That’s how I lost my friends, just like this, where they just drifted apart; when I was no longer needed, and what it was that I did wasn’t worth saying anything about. It’s been a talent of mine to help others until I’m not needed, then, I am discarded, and for once, I thought that I might have transcended that, but cycles do not need to be the same length, one wheel does not need to fit the rest.
In a world of high expectations, I know I can’t deliver, and at this point, self-improvement comes far too late, when I should already have the skills and know how to be able to do what needs to be done at a moment’s notice, it is there that I have failed, again and again, and I can see that that will only be a burden to myself and to those I would confide in.
It’s not worth mentioning. I have to remember that, whatever I do, it’s never worth mentioning, or remembering, no matter how loud I wish I could scream and how much I would cry and hurt to say it.
That same rut only compounds my trouble, as no only in drawing, but in my chosen field of Graphic Design, my efforts are lackluster and blank, showing no real innovation. I know what’s at fault here, it’s me. It’s my inability to know how to search for tools, for not knowing ahead of time what it is that I should look for, and it’s my fault for not knowing how to implement the things that I don’t know and not being able to properly use the things that I already have.
It’s this feeling that’s hung over me for over a month now, and I have to say that it’s only hurting me and everyone that I know. It’s to that point that I just can’t keep talking to people when I know that I am comically meant to be alone, and to fight that preordained motion is to race against futility. When my art doesn’t get anything noted, when nothing is said, it is a void in my heart that says that it was worth only a casual glance, that it wasn’t offensive, but nothing in it was worth noting, mentioning, thanking, critiquing, or otherwise. It is silence that shows that my work is unimportant and a nuisance, rather than any meaningful contribution to anything whatsoever.
With that being said, it’s another part of why my self-worth and self-esteem have been rapidly declining. With family making clear my faults every day, I am reminded constantly that no matter what it is that I do, it will never be enough to satisfy them, or anyone else. It’s that race of futility again, knowing full well that there are things to be done; and that no matter what’s done, there will always be something wrong with it, anger ensues, shouting, then separation.
That’s how I lost my friends, just like this, where they just drifted apart; when I was no longer needed, and what it was that I did wasn’t worth saying anything about. It’s been a talent of mine to help others until I’m not needed, then, I am discarded, and for once, I thought that I might have transcended that, but cycles do not need to be the same length, one wheel does not need to fit the rest.
In a world of high expectations, I know I can’t deliver, and at this point, self-improvement comes far too late, when I should already have the skills and know how to be able to do what needs to be done at a moment’s notice, it is there that I have failed, again and again, and I can see that that will only be a burden to myself and to those I would confide in.
It’s not worth mentioning. I have to remember that, whatever I do, it’s never worth mentioning, or remembering, no matter how loud I wish I could scream and how much I would cry and hurt to say it.
But I can't help you if you don't let me. And right now you're not letting anybody. Running away from your problems is no way to fix them. I've learned that the hard way. And running away from your friends, is the reason you lose them See this? You're trying to run away from the people that care. We're not putting you out side for being a bad dog, you've done this all on your own. No one wants to see you fail. You've not lost your creativity, you've lost your ability to give a shit. This world is not a world of high expectations. To be honest the world is how you build it, and I think you've allowed the world of popularity, or people who make life a challenge get to you. Some times I find myself needing to sit back and relax. Because the world the way I see it isn/t like yours. You CAN deliver. You are not a burden. You never were, and never will be.
The only thing you've burdened yourself with now, is the choice to walk in the wrong direction. To follow the footsteps of the last poor sap who let these thoughts get to them. While these choices are yours, I hope the friends, me, and I can already say, many many others, can at least help persuade you in the right direction.
You're not hurting us by being here.
You're hurting us by leaving.
And trust me-- It's more than mental pain.
I'm supposed to be talented or something, like I have some useful skill that makes be good at something. I've never seen it. I don't know how I'm supposedly good at anything. I mean, look at Graphic Design, to have any amount of marketable skills, you need to know JQuerey, JavaScript, HTML, CSS, Adobe Illustrator, Adobe Photoshop, Adobe InDesign, Dreamweaver, Fireworks, and tons of other applications...I'm not good in any of them, I've seen what my classmates do and they can come up with tons of neat ideas and make them look awesome....I can't make jack shit.
Even then, thinking about all this stuff is the kind of thing that makes me guilty about thinking about it, and that it only makes me feel worse, and that I'm stupid for feeling guilty about thinking about this and it just keeps spiraling down...I'm not good at anything....there's no reason to be anything more than dirt...
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU'RE COMPARING YOURSELF WITH?
BECAUSE FRANKLY STOP.
You need to stop comparing yourself to other people.
Just stop.
You DO have skill. To be honest I don't know how you don't see it!
You're better at your graphic design shizz than I could ever be.
Don't compare yourself to your classmates, or your friends.
You're YOU for a reason. If everything you did looked exactly like ours what would the point be in art at all???
I need to be the best, I have to be, otherwise no one will appreciate what I've done, if it's not done perfectly, then I get punished...
Mow the lawn at the wrong starting place, yelled at.
Raise a contradictory argument. yelled at.
Playing xbox or simply sitting downstairs. I'm called fat.
Complete a task. gotta be done again right this time.
I can't meet those expectations....I should have learned how to paint digitally when I was younger, I should have been designing when I was three.....I'd be better.....but I'm not....I can't....
No one is the best. You CAN'T be.
If those are your standards you're doomed to fail.
otherwise no one will appreciate what I've done
That is complete and utter bullshit.
No other way to say that.
Mow the lawn at the wrong starting place, yelled at.
Raise a contradictory argument. yelled at.
Playing xbox or simply sitting downstairs. I'm called fat.
Complete a task. gotta be done again right this time.
That's living with parents. I've gone through those SAME EXACT THINGS. LITERALLY ALL OF THOSE HAVE HAPPENED TO ME.
Except then I was kicked out of the house.
I should have learned how to paint digitally when I was younger, I should have been designing when I was three
Now that's just stupid talk. No one knows how to do that shit at three. fucking stop. That's just grappling for attention there.
Where is the sense in any of this?
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do...
Daca said I should go outside....so I think I will....
I know things in life have been such a bad experience and such lately but it doesn't mean you should be gone off the face of the earth because of it. Heck, you have friends like Ally and I and other people who worry about ya because we actually care. Besides, you are a very good artist as is, much better than what I am and that's saying something. Just try to hold out as long you can through these troubling times as long as you can for us alright? Don't even try to deactivate this account either....
the most troubling things about this are the more existential questions that keep coming back to haunt me...
Statistic show there's almost if not over 7 billion people on this planet, the classic question of "what makes you special" is something that keeps reverberating in my head...I can't answer that, and that frightens me.
When I was in High School, all they did for the last three years was remind us that we were leaving the school system, and that our lives and our jobs were our lifeline, for years we were tested on our aptitude and I was shown as being promising, but, even now, I see all the things that I have to compete with, people who know all sorts of tricks and have much more advanced skills? I can't compete with that, if anything, I'm just a biological redundancy, and I don't see how I can contribute anything, and I don't see how I ever will...
The point is, you need to keep at least some sanity of peace in mind and try to fix the problem one step at a time. Walking away from the problem is not going to fix anything, and suicide makes things 100X worse than anything.
You sit at home, and stare at a blank computer screen,degrading yourself because no one comments on your stuff?
TBH Get over yourself, so what. I do free requests for friends, but I rarely get anything back. (If anything).
Go out and hang out with real life friends, go out and see the world, have fun breathe proper air. Don't just sit at hom and whining to yourself that no one gives a fuck.
If anything you have cabin fever.
' takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in a small space, with nothing to do for an extended period. Cabin fever describes the extreme irritability and restlessness a person may feel in these situations.'
The best situation to get over this:
'One therapy for cabin fever may be as simple as getting out and interacting with nature. Research has proven that even brief interactions with nature can promote improved cognitive functioning and overall well-being.'
Which is better than just going to school with peer pressure, stress, and than coming home and staring at a screen for hours on end, complaining and muttering to yourself.
Yes I've heard about other things that you have done and it disturbs me. Are you really that cowardly?
That pathetic, and insecure. Where is your damned backbone? Where is your courage, and self-independence? Even than where is your Strength?
Yes I sit here at home, dealing with my own situations. My brother literally destroyed two cars, I have no MEANS to fix them and they're racking up to about possibly 2k and one write off. My brother may also be going to jail, loosing his license and overall causing me to fall into a huge depression, but do I think thoughts like you? Do I mourn about how unworthy I am? NO
I try my DAMNEST to fight and stand up for myself. To stand strong and help my own parents who no one helps. My second brother on top of this never pays for his phone bill, I have to save up for my vacation, quit my job, find a way to support myself for College, and overall pay off my car.
Yea we all have a hard life. But there is a line onto which you decide. Are you really that pitiful to cross it, to not fight as a human and to just give up? To throw everything away and make all your friends, acquaintances and everyone else pay for it in the end? Just because you didn't have a backbone to stand up against life?
Life is HARD
The earlier you know this, the more acquainted you are to fighting it.
The plans and strategies you have to confront it.
Life is not easy, nor is it a game.
You do not respawn, you do not make everyone else's life easier just because you extinguish one life.
But hey..in the end, these are just words.
And I have a funny feeling that this will never be read, more so ignored and hidden.
But whatever.
I think I do need to take you up on your advice...
When going through life you think of one thing.
How am I going to deal with this?
Nothing else, no friends, no drama, no parents.
Yourself first, everything later.
Looking through what you've said and what you're talking about, it seems like you have a very deep depression right now. Don't let other people tell you otherwise - depression is not only a beast that takes away a lot of who YOU are, but it is also a very real medical illness. The insidious thing about it, is that its very nature makes it hard to desire to get treatment. You would treat a broken ankle or an infection - depression is the same way. It needs treatment and therapy, it's not something that a lot of people just can easily go "Well, it's just me being weak" even though they may feel that way. And on that note, depression is not your fault. It sure feels like it - I know, I know all too well - but it isn't. A lot of it is the result of chemical imbalances in your brain which can make you feel the way you do.
Please, in a case like yours, seek help, and seek it now. Go talk to your doctor - get a referral for a psychologist in the area that helps people with depression. Depression not only causes these negative feelings, but also creates lethargic behavior, and a lack of interest in the things you normally enjoy. Part of why you may be having problems with your art is that this depression is affecting your motivation and creativity severely. Even if you don't have health insurance, it's worth going into debt a bit to get this treated - and there are many medications which are very cheap when you go with generic, even without insurance. They do help, and therapy helps immensely.
One suggestion I do make is that if someone does something that helps you - makes you feel a little better, makes the depression lessen at all - take the time to thank them and let them know you appreciate it. Many times, people shy away from people with depression because the negativity becomes a lot to handle, and they sometimes feel like the things they do don't help. However, even small things like "thank you" and "this really helped" can let them know that you genuinely appreciate them - and those small gestures can make a friend stick with you through thick and thin. Also, consider telling friends who try to help you, what you notice seems to help a little when you're feeling down. Try telling them on a good day when you're not feeling quite so bad. This gives them some ideas as to what they can do to help you.
Surrounding yourself with anything that makes you happy, even if it's silly or 'stupid', and trying to find positive things you can say each day to yourself can also help with coping. When our brains think depressive thoughts, we tend to focus on the negative aspects of things we do or things we have experienced - by trying to find positive aspects here and there, it can make your brain shift slightly towards other positive things you may not have thought about or noticed. Mental feedback loops can be used to help, not just hurt.
As a girl who has her BS in Psychology and has suffered severe depression herself, I want to let you know that it *can* get better. Through the help of therapy, friends and eventually gaining the courage and strength to change my life situation, I was able to improve my situation and turn around to learn to help others. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel - everyone feels things a little differently, and has different situations they are in - but I can say that I do hope for the best for you. You may feel horrible now, and it may not seem it when you feel this way, but there will be a point in time when you will not feel so icky. It may take time to reach there - but it is very reachable. Please try to remember that, and I really do hope that you feel better sooner rather than later.
P.S. I think you're actually a pretty decent artist. Colored pencil can be a fantastic medium. My suggestion is to try drawing things you are not used to drawing - anything you aren't used to drawing. The best way to improve is to fail a few times and learn from the mistakes. It may get discouraging, but if you have a body part you stink at drawing for instance, try drawing 50 of them. Use references. Look at the first one you drew and look at the last few you drew, and you may indeed notice a difference. <3 But, you've already done quite well already, your anatomy is quite good overall and your colors are surprisingly vibrant and well-chosen.
If anything, stick around for your friends and for curiosity's sake. They'll sorely miss you.