Not sure how to start this out well, so here goes.
Mind is rather clouded right now.

As it stands right now, am seriously emotionally compromised. My meds are not working. Yesterday, I broke down twice. Once was so bad Del and his boyfriend held me while i cried for a few minutes. I need help, I know I do. I am so scared right now, which has never happened before in my life. I can't even find my confidence, and my defenses are so broken, I can't even find the energy to rebuild. And I know if I go further, I will wind up in a place I really don't want to go to again.

I give up. I don't want to be in control anymore, because I've screwed it up so bad, I don't think it can be fixed.