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BDSM/Abuse? You decide
7 years ago
General
When you fight for so long, eventually you get tired. Then you no longer want to fight, so everyone begins to walk all over you. You take the abuse of others, so you don’t have to deal with the pain inside. This is me.
Since I was young, I was different. I learned different, I acted different. It was all I knew. Others would ridicule me for so many reasons. It started in elementary school. IN middle school it got worse, almost daily, and even on the school bus to and from school. I dreaded going to school every day and my grades faltered for it. Instead of dealing with it responsibly, the school placed the blame on me, not on others. The one time I did fight back, due to zero tolerance policies (IMHO are zero intelligence policies) I was suspended out of school.
High school, it turned physical. Poked, prodded, ridiculed on a daily basis to and from. Almost suspended from the bus “for creating a disturbance”. Multiple meetings with counselors, psychologists, principals, kept saying “I must have done something.” “Can’t do something until he reacts” is what was said multiple times. At one point, wante to skip and maybe even drop out. Teachers were no help.
Got older, graduated and learned about BDSM. Under service to a SIR for over 10 years. “Work through the pain, not fight against it.” Replace the pain from one type to another transferrance possibly. For a while it helped, when I felt I got out of control with things. No so much now. It’s a mistake.or it’s how it feels right now.
I lay down and take it. I don’t fight anymore. I don’t have the energy to. What’s the point. Nothing will change, nothing ever changes. That is where I find myself. And here we are. Cairn, Rogal, Jason, all part of the same person, maybe an aspect, maybe a construct. But honestly, who the fuck cares?
Since I was young, I was different. I learned different, I acted different. It was all I knew. Others would ridicule me for so many reasons. It started in elementary school. IN middle school it got worse, almost daily, and even on the school bus to and from school. I dreaded going to school every day and my grades faltered for it. Instead of dealing with it responsibly, the school placed the blame on me, not on others. The one time I did fight back, due to zero tolerance policies (IMHO are zero intelligence policies) I was suspended out of school.
High school, it turned physical. Poked, prodded, ridiculed on a daily basis to and from. Almost suspended from the bus “for creating a disturbance”. Multiple meetings with counselors, psychologists, principals, kept saying “I must have done something.” “Can’t do something until he reacts” is what was said multiple times. At one point, wante to skip and maybe even drop out. Teachers were no help.
Got older, graduated and learned about BDSM. Under service to a SIR for over 10 years. “Work through the pain, not fight against it.” Replace the pain from one type to another transferrance possibly. For a while it helped, when I felt I got out of control with things. No so much now. It’s a mistake.or it’s how it feels right now.
I lay down and take it. I don’t fight anymore. I don’t have the energy to. What’s the point. Nothing will change, nothing ever changes. That is where I find myself. And here we are. Cairn, Rogal, Jason, all part of the same person, maybe an aspect, maybe a construct. But honestly, who the fuck cares?
Rassah
~rassah
Instead of fighting to change others, have you considered fighting to change yourself? Your story isn't very unique, and people who had worse ended up with better outcomes.
