Hey guys! I'm back in my home town.

Woah, that was crazy emotionally hard. Me and Ryan started getting along a lot better before I left so it was heart breaking to leave him. Yeah, I know I bitched about him before, and I know most of you aren't happy with his decisions towards me, but I really did love him. He loved me and hurt me, and I have done the same to him. He needs to grow up and I need to heal. It's just hard right now, I can't even believe I'm back where I belong. It literally feels like I'm dreaming. I know this is what I've always wanted.

I'm also having a life crisis right now, for some reason all the bad thoughts that I've suppressed for the past few years are starting to surface, and even new things, like today I was thinking how my dad used to be really funny, silly and happy, and now he's depressed and miserable, and how i know for a fact it's my fault. I just hope being closer to him will help mend his heart. I want him to be happy in his later years, to know he did a good job and to be proud of me. I love my dad, as much as i didn't as a teenager, I wish he would fix himself for the better too. Only time will tell...

and the other thing I'm having a crisis about is what the fucking hell I did with my life for the past 3 years! Nothing besides drawing. Drawing, drawing, drawing. I moved to shitty places every time, my energy was sapped constantly, and people thought I was very strange for being withdrawn, which makes me feel misunderstood by 80% of the population. It just kind of hurt that in the past 3 years I barely made any friends. But, it's refreshing to know my friends were happy to see me and didn't hold grudges against me for being gone for 3 years. We all had our own paths to follow, so I can understand why I got away with that.

Uhm! Yeah. I'm currently at my father's and I'm going to go apartment hunting tomorrow. Commissions are nada for a few more days, since I don't have anything to work on (computer wise).

so stressful, i feel confused, scared, and kind of... unconscious, like in a sleeping state. I know I'll wake up when I get my place and have peace to explore my mind. I know for a fact I will feel very sad at first, because I haven't been able to cry about Ryan yet and assure myself better, so my emotional suppression is starting to affect my physically: lack of hunger, tense muscles, moody...

sorry! I usually use this account to rant and get things off of my chest.

Thank you so much for understanding, and listening. :)