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Life is Depressing Stuff
12 years ago
Life is especially depressing when it mirrors white trash sitcoms.
To begin, I suppose I could put this somewhere else but I figured why not here; use this "journal" as an actual journal?
I just found out some depressing things that I hope will let me get past my recent (January) separation and impending divorce.
Namely that my ex-wife had been cheating on me for about six months prior to our breakup. She is now pregnant by and engaged to man she cheated on me with. And I? I would never have known or even suspected if it hadn't come from her own mouth via an interview she gave to a school paper on graduate student challenges. Her and her new beau's start date were about 6 month's prior to our separation. Her anxiety and depression I thought were due to her guilt over having fallen so far behind on all her educational milestones. It seems that it had to do more with her guilt as a liar and cheater. This is the woman I had been with faithfully for 13 years. In the end her lying, manipulative, manic/depressive, and psychosomatic natures won out over who she was and could have been.
While this news continues to tear me up, it's also somewhat of a relief. I no longer have to rationalize or reconcile my anger or sadness or feelings as "this is a normal reaction and doesn't mean the other person deserves it. Put it away because those emotions shouldn't matter and don't apply to reality". I had been defending her to our friends, doubting my sanity, my nature and everything in my life because i couldn't understand how it all happened. "What did I do? What's wrong with me? I'm 31 now; so old! What am I supposed to do with such a failed life?" I'm not perfect, but I'm not the monster she intimated to me, or the monster my self doubts whispered at me. I can now at least try to begin the healing process.
May she never find a love more sane, constant, or honest than the one she showed me.
To begin, I suppose I could put this somewhere else but I figured why not here; use this "journal" as an actual journal?
I just found out some depressing things that I hope will let me get past my recent (January) separation and impending divorce.
Namely that my ex-wife had been cheating on me for about six months prior to our breakup. She is now pregnant by and engaged to man she cheated on me with. And I? I would never have known or even suspected if it hadn't come from her own mouth via an interview she gave to a school paper on graduate student challenges. Her and her new beau's start date were about 6 month's prior to our separation. Her anxiety and depression I thought were due to her guilt over having fallen so far behind on all her educational milestones. It seems that it had to do more with her guilt as a liar and cheater. This is the woman I had been with faithfully for 13 years. In the end her lying, manipulative, manic/depressive, and psychosomatic natures won out over who she was and could have been.
While this news continues to tear me up, it's also somewhat of a relief. I no longer have to rationalize or reconcile my anger or sadness or feelings as "this is a normal reaction and doesn't mean the other person deserves it. Put it away because those emotions shouldn't matter and don't apply to reality". I had been defending her to our friends, doubting my sanity, my nature and everything in my life because i couldn't understand how it all happened. "What did I do? What's wrong with me? I'm 31 now; so old! What am I supposed to do with such a failed life?" I'm not perfect, but I'm not the monster she intimated to me, or the monster my self doubts whispered at me. I can now at least try to begin the healing process.
May she never find a love more sane, constant, or honest than the one she showed me.
Reality wake up time.