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An Explaination
12 years ago
Okay, so...now that my little tantrum is over, I guess I should explainw hat brought it on.
For starters, I doubt I need to explain to everyone why it's hard for me to do commissions sometimes. For those of you who don't know, it's called ADD. Not saying that's the TOTAL reason, but it's part of it. The reason I stopped taking offline commissions, and only doing them during streams, was so I could do the art right then and there, and not have people waiting a long time to see their pictures.
And...it slapped me across the face last Sunday that I've failed in that. There are STILL people waiting for their art. My plan didn't work, and I was back to square one. What followed after that dawning was a lot of crying, throwing things across the room, and thoughts of getting into my car and driving off the nearest ravine. I won't lie, I was in a VERY dark place.
I did eventually calm myself down and think things through, but it was still a scary place. Even talking to my closest friends seemed to depress me. I couldn't even go into streams and watch others draw without wanting to log off and down a bottle of pills. I managed to cool off, and sort things out in my head.
I realize that I owe some of you pictures. And I'm deeply sorry. Every single day, I end up thinking about how much some of you must think of me as the worst human being on the internet. Maybe you have every right to. I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be. All I am is a guy who happens to be able to draw things. Mistakes have happened in my life. Some, I regret. Others, I don't. But the fact remains that I'm not as strong as most of you think. I hide a lot of my emotions behind a mask of happiness and glass-half-full attitude.
A lot of you are going to read this and think "Okay, great. But when are you going to stream again?" "When can I get my commissions?" And I don't blame you for thinking that. Sadly, I have no choice but to do commission streams, as my part-time job isn't enough to meet the bills I have to pay. So those will start back up soon. However, to the people that I owe artwork to, I haven't forgotten. Those WILL be worked on. It just means that I have to put my personal pictures on hold until then.
Again, I'm sorry for the tantrum I had. These flare up every now and then, but this last one was...severe. I don't make it a habit of posting depressing journals.
For starters, I doubt I need to explain to everyone why it's hard for me to do commissions sometimes. For those of you who don't know, it's called ADD. Not saying that's the TOTAL reason, but it's part of it. The reason I stopped taking offline commissions, and only doing them during streams, was so I could do the art right then and there, and not have people waiting a long time to see their pictures.
And...it slapped me across the face last Sunday that I've failed in that. There are STILL people waiting for their art. My plan didn't work, and I was back to square one. What followed after that dawning was a lot of crying, throwing things across the room, and thoughts of getting into my car and driving off the nearest ravine. I won't lie, I was in a VERY dark place.
I did eventually calm myself down and think things through, but it was still a scary place. Even talking to my closest friends seemed to depress me. I couldn't even go into streams and watch others draw without wanting to log off and down a bottle of pills. I managed to cool off, and sort things out in my head.
I realize that I owe some of you pictures. And I'm deeply sorry. Every single day, I end up thinking about how much some of you must think of me as the worst human being on the internet. Maybe you have every right to. I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be. All I am is a guy who happens to be able to draw things. Mistakes have happened in my life. Some, I regret. Others, I don't. But the fact remains that I'm not as strong as most of you think. I hide a lot of my emotions behind a mask of happiness and glass-half-full attitude.
A lot of you are going to read this and think "Okay, great. But when are you going to stream again?" "When can I get my commissions?" And I don't blame you for thinking that. Sadly, I have no choice but to do commission streams, as my part-time job isn't enough to meet the bills I have to pay. So those will start back up soon. However, to the people that I owe artwork to, I haven't forgotten. Those WILL be worked on. It just means that I have to put my personal pictures on hold until then.
Again, I'm sorry for the tantrum I had. These flare up every now and then, but this last one was...severe. I don't make it a habit of posting depressing journals.
We all have tantrums too, it's the way things go, sometimes it's good to let it all out rather then keeping it bottled up.
Sorry you're suffering like this.
It is hard for people to understand what it feels like to go through it. If I could feel glad I would be that you decided not to do those things. If you did how would I get my artwork? :) Joking aside though.
The fact you worry about it does mean something. It really does. I know it bothers you a lot and the least I can do is let others who are more wanting of their stuff to get done, get done first, regardless of what affects it can have on me, since it's just better that way.
Talking to friends about such moods is difficult, most people have no clue how to deal with it. None, some try, others just break down and slide across the subject because they can't figure out how it works. Many would just see your negativity and mood and brushing off their advice as not caring or you just being a dick.
It's not that, it's not you that id putting you there, it's the depression that's putting you there. Some people think it's just you making yourself be sad and act the way you do. A depression in itself can be an entity that has it's own sways and motions to it, and affects how you are. Even to the point you would want it one way, but your depression makes it another. Like you're walled in watching yourself being played by your own depression. Of course I am not sure how long, deep, and controlling your depression is/can be.
I used to be able to hide it well from everyone, now I can only hide it well from a slight majority and even that is slipping. It is good that you are taking steps to try to curve your problem, to do what you can to make it better. You can't let your depression control you and come back over and over again. I don't want you to have your depression be a normal state, it's no fun. It would only make your goals even harder to reach.
Anyway, I may be a depressive fuck who vents, moans, and yells at people as my body drives me to try to be angry rather than depressed since that's only emotion that I can do that doesn't depress me right now, but I have ten years of dealing with depressions, namely mine, but I talked to others with depressions. So the point I will make is, if you poke me and want to talk about it, we can. I can give you my best advice and help and I can hope it works better for you than it does for me. Though I am still here so has to account for something.