I had to get a check up today, as well as a few vaccinations. I walked into the waiting room calm as ever. I was even ok sitting in the check up room. Ten came that stupid little finger prick. I fucking lost it. I almost immediately began breathing really really heavily and my heart rate shot up. I'm not sure wht is was at initially, but a few minutes later it was at around 150 bpm as the doctor was listening to it.

I don't think I've ever lost my cool that quickly. It was definitely a new experience for me, and it left me questioning many tings about the way I present myself to other people. I'm not usually the calmest person in any stressful situation, but it's never been that bad. I felt weak and vulnerable, as if the 'me' that I project to others fell apart and left the real me open to the elements.

It also brought my crippling fear of bees and wasps back into to question. I used to be so scared of them that I couldn't go outside when they were in the area. When I was in elementary school, There was one particular incident where one landed on the front of my shirt. It was probably the worst meltdown I've ever had.

A hard as it may seem for me to share this, Te anonymity of the internet gives me a place to vent. I feel much more comfortable talking about it in my journals tan anywhere else.