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I don't really know where I belong right now
12 years ago
Sorry that y'all have to put up with this here, just a little personal vent, not really got a better place to put this, especially as it'll be seen by the wrong people. Please don't read it if you don't want to. You might just be curious, I don't really mind.
I'm sort of, in a complete state of 'lost'. I feel alone, and left to fend for myself when I need it most.
Every day I struggle to just ... be normal. Act normal and talk and laugh with my friends like a normal person. Not someone with all of my current ... defects, for want of a better word. I try and do everything right, and at the end of every day, I regret every single decision I've made that day. I say things I wish I didn't, and I do things I wish I didn't ... and I see every flaw of the day, which I usually regard as everything. Sometimes, I even don't say or do things and wish I did. One big thing in particular that I won't go into.
I come home, and I crash. And I just cry, sometimes for hours. Sometimes I spend the day really depressed, trying not to cry. And one time, I actually did, whilst at a friend's house with all of my 'friends' from school. I say 'friends' because, whilst sitting alone in a room with my best friend, she didn't even follow me out when I left to go outside because I began crying too much. She thought the iPad was more interesting. This is all history, really - school started again and I'm not even in the class with most of these people any more.
So I don't know what to do with myself. I constantly feel guilty and on my own. And when I have a pretty bad break down, I end up saying the same things to the same people over and over again. And I know this annoys them. I do it because they don't react. And I feel that, because I act the same every time I get like it, they just think that it 'can't be that bad'. So I say more, but end up failing and just repeating the same things and not making it seem like it's actually cause for concern. Which is just putting myself in this loop, where I inevitably feel like nobody really cares, and I can't judge the truth in that statement - I have an anxiety disorder. I automatically jump to the worst case scenario and it's incredibly difficult to convince me of anything but that as truth.
I'm not going to go into much more, it's late, I have school tomorrow and a convention on Saturday that I'm not remotely ready for, so probably won't sleep at all tonight because I'll be rushing to make everything I need. I just ... need to talk somewhere.
I'm on anti-depressants for both depression and anxiety at the moment, though only a very low dose. It's been over 2 weeks and nothing's changed, they want me to go for a follow-up, and they might give me a higher dose, or more of the same, or cut my dose - whatever they see fit depending on how I have been doing. Nothing seems to work right now, I don't even enjoy what I used to, so I can't use that to cheer me up or anything, added with my serious lack of motivation.
Even things that are going fine, my anxiety tells me are completely screwed. Nothing's ever positive any more, and I hate it. I'm ill with headaches and problems with my eyes and stuff on top of all of this, as well as settling in to my new course at school, in a class of almost entirely new people. And my boyfriend isn't even there half the time because he's going through minor surgery. How great for both of us :I
So things aren't at all great for me. My entire summer was lost to this horrible state-of-mind and now I'm struggling to get used to my even more dynamic school schedule, on top of everything else. My holiday (back at the start of summer) was ruined by all of this, and my return home came with news that my grandad had passed away. Now all I can rely on is my boyfriend, and he has a loooong way to go before he even understands relationship basics, let alone how to deal with my completely unstable self.
My vent is over, sorry if you read this and I had to post it here, like I say - it's the one place I have left. I just needed to complain somewhere. I'm struggling with so much and I just ... wanted to get it out there somewhere.
~Kloof
I'm sort of, in a complete state of 'lost'. I feel alone, and left to fend for myself when I need it most.
Every day I struggle to just ... be normal. Act normal and talk and laugh with my friends like a normal person. Not someone with all of my current ... defects, for want of a better word. I try and do everything right, and at the end of every day, I regret every single decision I've made that day. I say things I wish I didn't, and I do things I wish I didn't ... and I see every flaw of the day, which I usually regard as everything. Sometimes, I even don't say or do things and wish I did. One big thing in particular that I won't go into.
I come home, and I crash. And I just cry, sometimes for hours. Sometimes I spend the day really depressed, trying not to cry. And one time, I actually did, whilst at a friend's house with all of my 'friends' from school. I say 'friends' because, whilst sitting alone in a room with my best friend, she didn't even follow me out when I left to go outside because I began crying too much. She thought the iPad was more interesting. This is all history, really - school started again and I'm not even in the class with most of these people any more.
So I don't know what to do with myself. I constantly feel guilty and on my own. And when I have a pretty bad break down, I end up saying the same things to the same people over and over again. And I know this annoys them. I do it because they don't react. And I feel that, because I act the same every time I get like it, they just think that it 'can't be that bad'. So I say more, but end up failing and just repeating the same things and not making it seem like it's actually cause for concern. Which is just putting myself in this loop, where I inevitably feel like nobody really cares, and I can't judge the truth in that statement - I have an anxiety disorder. I automatically jump to the worst case scenario and it's incredibly difficult to convince me of anything but that as truth.
I'm not going to go into much more, it's late, I have school tomorrow and a convention on Saturday that I'm not remotely ready for, so probably won't sleep at all tonight because I'll be rushing to make everything I need. I just ... need to talk somewhere.
I'm on anti-depressants for both depression and anxiety at the moment, though only a very low dose. It's been over 2 weeks and nothing's changed, they want me to go for a follow-up, and they might give me a higher dose, or more of the same, or cut my dose - whatever they see fit depending on how I have been doing. Nothing seems to work right now, I don't even enjoy what I used to, so I can't use that to cheer me up or anything, added with my serious lack of motivation.
Even things that are going fine, my anxiety tells me are completely screwed. Nothing's ever positive any more, and I hate it. I'm ill with headaches and problems with my eyes and stuff on top of all of this, as well as settling in to my new course at school, in a class of almost entirely new people. And my boyfriend isn't even there half the time because he's going through minor surgery. How great for both of us :I
So things aren't at all great for me. My entire summer was lost to this horrible state-of-mind and now I'm struggling to get used to my even more dynamic school schedule, on top of everything else. My holiday (back at the start of summer) was ruined by all of this, and my return home came with news that my grandad had passed away. Now all I can rely on is my boyfriend, and he has a loooong way to go before he even understands relationship basics, let alone how to deal with my completely unstable self.
My vent is over, sorry if you read this and I had to post it here, like I say - it's the one place I have left. I just needed to complain somewhere. I'm struggling with so much and I just ... wanted to get it out there somewhere.
~Kloof
I really do hope you feel better <3
I decided "hey, I need to pull my head out of my depressed ass, I'm going nowhere..." so I let the people around me support and offer a pathway through suggestions and actions. I'm motivated entirely by others, and somewhere in there I know is growing self-motivation and worth.