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Ciraeon is my Jeckel
12 years ago
Some people in macro have found me odd over the years for how averse I am to the more violent aspects of macro. Wanted to write a bit about that considering the past couple of days.
Furry as a fantasy for me has always been about being aspirations. I think that for the most part, people create a persona character who embodies their ideals. A highly fetishized character just reflects a set of sexual ideals, and people may incorporate more or less aspects. I fall into the more anti-thesis family of personas. Ciraeon always has been a character that incorporates those aspects that are what I would aspire to, but are anti-thetical to the person on the other end of the screen. A me that I would be if I could.
Shi is large. And on many levels. But something that I've always tried to drill into people getting into to macro and hyper is that presence is more important than numbers. Cira is no manner the scale eye catching to say the least, and love it or hate it shi is comfortable in hir scales. I am not. I am large with no presence. I am utterly forgettable and just a large piece of meat. I wish I was more. But I am not.
The hyper comes more from not so much a sense of wanting overwhelming sexuality as a sense of presence again. A person of such aura and ambience that can be comfortable in hir own sexuality and is comfortable with letting people relate to it on a physical level, even if it is more platonic or with some people intimate. Which is very funny, considering the person who dreamed hir up is a recluse who has no sexuality, and is immensely uncomfortable with anything pertaining to his own person.
And then there's the macro side of things, the seeming expectation of lavishing in destruction. I think for a lot of macros it is an expression of power. To be above reproach, free to act as they will upon whomever is less powerful, in this context smaller, than they are. Everyone wants to be powerful. My power comes in being able to control that, to be gentle and loving even on such a scale and being in command of such staggering strength. I am capable of enough violence in real life that I have no desire to inflict this upon my fantasies. I am an out of control timebomb in real life that continuously and carelessly unleashes that violence in many forms on those around me. Thankfully I am not willing to physically hurt people anymore. But the damage that I do to the people who surround me is no less staggering, and would do the stompiest macro proud.
My characters growth I suppose stems from that I only ever see my worst traits becoming more dominant, and so my character changes to try and compensate for my own shortcomings. More and more, to compensate for the person who is continually less and less.
Thank you for reading my little sob story. For anyone who suggests that I just change my ways, thank you for advice I have been given for 27 years and have yet been able to make good on. To anyone who knows that I am a good person, thank you for thinking that about Ciraeon and the mask that I put forward for the rest of you so that you won't have to deal with the vicious person behind it all. I won't be going anywhere anytime soon, so hopefully I'll expose as few of you to whirlwind that is me when it's not filtered through a keyboard and a screen.
Furry as a fantasy for me has always been about being aspirations. I think that for the most part, people create a persona character who embodies their ideals. A highly fetishized character just reflects a set of sexual ideals, and people may incorporate more or less aspects. I fall into the more anti-thesis family of personas. Ciraeon always has been a character that incorporates those aspects that are what I would aspire to, but are anti-thetical to the person on the other end of the screen. A me that I would be if I could.
Shi is large. And on many levels. But something that I've always tried to drill into people getting into to macro and hyper is that presence is more important than numbers. Cira is no manner the scale eye catching to say the least, and love it or hate it shi is comfortable in hir scales. I am not. I am large with no presence. I am utterly forgettable and just a large piece of meat. I wish I was more. But I am not.
The hyper comes more from not so much a sense of wanting overwhelming sexuality as a sense of presence again. A person of such aura and ambience that can be comfortable in hir own sexuality and is comfortable with letting people relate to it on a physical level, even if it is more platonic or with some people intimate. Which is very funny, considering the person who dreamed hir up is a recluse who has no sexuality, and is immensely uncomfortable with anything pertaining to his own person.
And then there's the macro side of things, the seeming expectation of lavishing in destruction. I think for a lot of macros it is an expression of power. To be above reproach, free to act as they will upon whomever is less powerful, in this context smaller, than they are. Everyone wants to be powerful. My power comes in being able to control that, to be gentle and loving even on such a scale and being in command of such staggering strength. I am capable of enough violence in real life that I have no desire to inflict this upon my fantasies. I am an out of control timebomb in real life that continuously and carelessly unleashes that violence in many forms on those around me. Thankfully I am not willing to physically hurt people anymore. But the damage that I do to the people who surround me is no less staggering, and would do the stompiest macro proud.
My characters growth I suppose stems from that I only ever see my worst traits becoming more dominant, and so my character changes to try and compensate for my own shortcomings. More and more, to compensate for the person who is continually less and less.
Thank you for reading my little sob story. For anyone who suggests that I just change my ways, thank you for advice I have been given for 27 years and have yet been able to make good on. To anyone who knows that I am a good person, thank you for thinking that about Ciraeon and the mask that I put forward for the rest of you so that you won't have to deal with the vicious person behind it all. I won't be going anywhere anytime soon, so hopefully I'll expose as few of you to whirlwind that is me when it's not filtered through a keyboard and a screen.
And I can relate to doing things here that I couldn't do in real life, even if the body was no where near capable. Because I just *couldn't*.
*hugs and hugs, smiling and gazing* We're as real as is necessary, dear.
My favorite fantasies have involved amazing, erotic things happening to nice people.
Ya know... unless your a super smart dog posting pictures of ANthronized you on our site, then you ahve won the Awward. Otherwise, we're alittle far from being the outspoken ones we are with our FUr/persona and that's no lie, you just have to stop pressuring yourself or your mind to think that You and Ciraeon are different cause one is big and Desired.Respected and one is not. Your both, to me, ON the same level, if not you being mroe present then your Sona... ANd... to repeat myself, You over your sona cause your sona doesn't talk back to me or there friends, YOu do for Hir. |D
That's why my face, my mask, is so insanely over-the-top about everything: he's kind of the unlocking of the binds of the normal world!
It speaks volumes to your character as a human being! Course I'm a humanist so i'm a bit biased into thinkin in those terms, but I feel it's nonetheless true!
._.
So to that my friend I thank you :)
This really puts it into a good perspective, thank you very much!
Always loved your character for hir design, I felt shi was well thought up and done in all aspects!
That's all I can say really, for I see so much of my own thoughts and reflections in your words and can relate to most of them.
When I initially got into furry it was purely for sexual release and satisfaction. I was 19 years old and ofcourse chocked full or hormones, and I found this community so full of like-minded individuals that I immediately dove in. Soon after I created Archie and then later Phrase as sexual avatars, nothing more. But then over the course of a few years I had discovered that the sexual aspects were being taken over or overwritten by my own personality, in effect that those characters were now becoming extensions of myself and my feelings rather than conduits for my pent up sexuality.
Now, more than 10 years later, I find myself in a situation quite as you have described. Archie and Phrase are big, but it's not so much as to be sexual than it is to simply be; Archie is macro and hyper-endowed, but he also reflects a softer and more playful side of myself and as such can be easily described as a "gentle giant", wishing to avoid destruction and general mayhem (except for perhaps an occasional wall being blown out accidentally, to emphasize his dimensions in certain situation, hehe) and instead be all snuggly and kisses; Phrase is the more reserved and assertive aspect of my personality, for when I wish to be the one in control of my situations and surroundings in such a manner that it is others who have to accommodate me - rather vice-versa as I have usually experienced in real life. But even shi is quickly becoming a more relaxed and carefree version of my personal attitudes.
With my characters it is not about sex anymore (much to the frustration of some of those who wish to seek me out online, hehe) so much as it is simply relaxing and enjoying my time spent online and in the furry chatrooms. The enjoyment comes from simply being large and comfortable rather than swinging hyper-dick around. They are representations of what I can only aspire to be in real life, both in terms of physicality as well as emotional liberty and freedom.
My reasoning might not be entirely the same as yours, Cir, but I feel I can relate on some level, which is why your journal compelled me to write this lengthy reply.
For starters, I'm not really a furry, just enjoys the art. Thus my character is human, but just any human. I best describe him as a cartoon. Yes, a human cartoon character. He's is me, as in he is a reflection of myself. He likes what I like, he wears what I wear, yet he's a toon. Why? Well not only is he a reflection but also more an exaggerated version of myself. I'm like to wear hats on occasion, he wears one all the time. I tend to be silly, he's outrageous. I can a a big geek, he can be a MAJOR geek. He is how I see myself, a silly, geeky cartoon. That may sound like a bad thing but to me it's not. As a toon, he's able to express more and thus , as to say, display my emotions like a big circus show. Though him I do the utmost batshit insane things that realty would not allow me to do. He shout shouts to the world "This is who I am!"
So why a regular ol' human instead of ,say , well pretty anything else? Because he's also a display of my weakness and insecurities. He's not strong, he's shorter than most others, sometimes his behavior is less than acceptable. He can be pushed around. He has no super powers, not magic, not even a proper fighting style. He's considered normal compared to the dragons and robots and what have you.
Despite all his shortcomings, he still has my strengths and some more. He's friendly, gentle, kind and funny. He is also more social than I. He uses what he does know and willing to learn new tricks. He expresses my thought and feels that normally I would afraid to share with the public. He does things I would not even consider doing. He takes in the bizarre take a cup of coffee. He does what I wish can do.
He's a expression my inner child, full of wonder and curiosity.
He is me. He is my thoughts, my fears, my emotions. He is Seba the lil human, and his what I'm proud to be.