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Memories of the past, where did I go
17 years ago
General
Last night as I went to bed I fell alseep pondering that who I am now is not who I used to be or even who I identify myself as anymore. I found a cache of photos on my computer from when I first moved to Massachusetts. Looking back I'm disturbed.
I went from never leaving the house without makeup/hair/gothesque punk outfits on to not caring anymore. Corsets were a daily part of my clothing cycle. I almost never wore pants. There was a time my hair would never be the same each month, same with boyfriends or girlfriends. I lived life to the fullest each day and damn what other people wanted or felt. I worked out, I went clubbing, I had flings, I partied. There were mornings with hangovers, cigar taste in my mouth from kissing a boy I'd just met..
I was the top star of my Japanese class and if one jealous boy in it talked badly about me my teacher would threaten failure. I kept strange hours and for weeks at a time was too busy to be online. I gamed and went to D&D groups...A girlfriend and I broke into the boys restroom on our campus and stole the condom machines then painted them and hung them in her boyfriends room.
I may not have been beautiful but I was still decently attractive and my attitude drew boys to me. I reveled in being a mistress for many. I was loved and I gave love in return. My friends flew me to California for X-mas because I just "Rocked".
In short I lived.
Now I work and go to class and just hope to escape home at the end of each day and hole myself up inside away from the world. What happened?
I went from never leaving the house without makeup/hair/gothesque punk outfits on to not caring anymore. Corsets were a daily part of my clothing cycle. I almost never wore pants. There was a time my hair would never be the same each month, same with boyfriends or girlfriends. I lived life to the fullest each day and damn what other people wanted or felt. I worked out, I went clubbing, I had flings, I partied. There were mornings with hangovers, cigar taste in my mouth from kissing a boy I'd just met..
I was the top star of my Japanese class and if one jealous boy in it talked badly about me my teacher would threaten failure. I kept strange hours and for weeks at a time was too busy to be online. I gamed and went to D&D groups...A girlfriend and I broke into the boys restroom on our campus and stole the condom machines then painted them and hung them in her boyfriends room.
I may not have been beautiful but I was still decently attractive and my attitude drew boys to me. I reveled in being a mistress for many. I was loved and I gave love in return. My friends flew me to California for X-mas because I just "Rocked".
In short I lived.
Now I work and go to class and just hope to escape home at the end of each day and hole myself up inside away from the world. What happened?
I miss being the vibrant free spirit. Now I just feel like a haggard old woman always worrying about the bills and school.
Time to save for a hairstyling at least..
Now I feel LIKE one of my aunts...T_T
I suppose if it were me the question would be, did you stop because it didn't feel as good anymore, because you were hurt, perhaps because you weren't sure it would be the same, and those happy memories mean so much that you didn't want to taint them?
My only suggestion is that if it's a rut, just getting lost in a pattern of the mundane, give yourself the license to break free. Until then I hope that your home may be a castle, and not a prison, for your spirit. :)
In the end, I'm sorry you don't feel like yourself anymore. I don't know what the trick is to fix this. Maybe moving back to where you were? Maybe dressing like who you were before?
I know a fwe people who miss college and want to go back and live those days over again.. I'm not sure if that's how you feel.
Good luck. :o