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Here we go again... (warning, vent/complaining within)
12 years ago
Seriously, what is it with me and feeling like shit the moment I try to make something worthwhile out of my pathetic life? I mean, it's been a few MONTHS that my apartment is disgustingly dirty and dusty, yet I do fuck-all about it. If I can't even take care of myself and my environment, how will it be when I get a job and take care of OTHER'S stuff? I don't know if I should even try, since I'd do nothing but waste people's valuable time, yet I can't just sit idly on my scaly ass all my life. I'm getting fat, extremely unhealthy, and I sleep for nearly 20 hours EVERY DAY. It's worse than death.
I want to change, and to change how I live, but I always go back to old habits and patterns and it infuriates me when I realize it. It's like being stuck in a never-ending loop. This is the third time this happens now, and this time I'm just pissed beyond thinking straight. I'd punch a hole in the wall (and break my whole hand) just so I can check if I'm still real, if I'm still alive. There's been so many missed opportunities that could have given me a better life, and they don't come back in those loops. Like that comic shop project. I don't know what's gonna happen, if I will keep going anymore. I'm starting to feel an intense dislike for the guy I was going to work with on this, because he is exactly how I am, only a bit more of a no-life and idk... he smells like a rotting corpse 24/7, so does his apartment, and he seems happy in his condition of nothingness and putrid lifestyle. Why can't I be happy with nothing? Why must I have something in order to be happy?
And this makes me come to another question; happiness. I can'T feel it at all, nothing, never. I don't get myself, I can't be happy even with things that give me thrills and that I was waiting for a long time to get myself. Even when among my friends, I just can'T feel a thing, I smile and laugh and all, but... it always feels unnatural and even guilty to do so, like something is not WANTING me to be happy. And on the opposite, I feel sadness and despair and lonesome, but I can'T bring myself to show it, I just poker-face my way out of it. And forget about crying, I haven'T done so for... almost 8 years now, no matter how intense the feelings get.
I just want to destroy everything. Everything that I am and build myself anew, better. I wouldn't care if everyone forgot me in the process. I wouldn't care if I had to start a new life completely. I just want to be someone or something else. Something that I'm not, and that I'll never be.
I really don't get anything of this. Why must I contend myself with darkness, and be burned by the light when I reach out to it? IF this keeps up there'll be nothing left but a hollow husk or less.
I'm dying, but not in the way that most people see it. My spirit is dying. Not just mine anymore, we are both dying this time. Darvo and I.
I guess I should stop here. I talk too much, and talk is worthless.
Maybe I'll see the sunrise again...
Darvo F.
I want to change, and to change how I live, but I always go back to old habits and patterns and it infuriates me when I realize it. It's like being stuck in a never-ending loop. This is the third time this happens now, and this time I'm just pissed beyond thinking straight. I'd punch a hole in the wall (and break my whole hand) just so I can check if I'm still real, if I'm still alive. There's been so many missed opportunities that could have given me a better life, and they don't come back in those loops. Like that comic shop project. I don't know what's gonna happen, if I will keep going anymore. I'm starting to feel an intense dislike for the guy I was going to work with on this, because he is exactly how I am, only a bit more of a no-life and idk... he smells like a rotting corpse 24/7, so does his apartment, and he seems happy in his condition of nothingness and putrid lifestyle. Why can't I be happy with nothing? Why must I have something in order to be happy?
And this makes me come to another question; happiness. I can'T feel it at all, nothing, never. I don't get myself, I can't be happy even with things that give me thrills and that I was waiting for a long time to get myself. Even when among my friends, I just can'T feel a thing, I smile and laugh and all, but... it always feels unnatural and even guilty to do so, like something is not WANTING me to be happy. And on the opposite, I feel sadness and despair and lonesome, but I can'T bring myself to show it, I just poker-face my way out of it. And forget about crying, I haven'T done so for... almost 8 years now, no matter how intense the feelings get.
I just want to destroy everything. Everything that I am and build myself anew, better. I wouldn't care if everyone forgot me in the process. I wouldn't care if I had to start a new life completely. I just want to be someone or something else. Something that I'm not, and that I'll never be.
I really don't get anything of this. Why must I contend myself with darkness, and be burned by the light when I reach out to it? IF this keeps up there'll be nothing left but a hollow husk or less.
I'm dying, but not in the way that most people see it. My spirit is dying. Not just mine anymore, we are both dying this time. Darvo and I.
I guess I should stop here. I talk too much, and talk is worthless.
Maybe I'll see the sunrise again...
Darvo F.
but you've gotta push forwards! flailing about all day hating yourself isn't gonna make everything better, you've gotta make a strive to improve! and i'm talking from experience here yo, if you don't do anything about it or make any move you'll spiral into a pit of never ending depression and hopelessness.
so come on bro gogogogo give life another shot! you've gotta keep trying till it's over yoo
*super huggles for Darvo~*