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Drama Llama's Bad Advice for the Stupid
12 years ago
I just figured out how I can become more popular! I'm going to start an ADVICE COLUMN where desperate people can write to me, and spew their guts out about the most intimate details of their private lives, only in public! I will then tell them how in my highly opinionated opinion they should behave; what they should be doing with themselves in their spare time, who they should be dating, how to break their DISGUSTING PERSONAL HABITS and all sorts of other things!
Then they will write me letters to thank me for making their small, meaningless lives even more meaningless and shallow! And, someone might even offer me a job providing professional counseling.
Wow! Why didn't I think of this before?!
*Does the Happy Llama Dance, albeit somewhat gloomily*
Okay, it's up to you guys now. All four of my readers. Write in to me and tell me in gruesome detail about some sort of HORRIBLE PERSONAL PROBLEM you have. It can be about your awful relationship with your alcoholic, verbally abusive gun-toting spouse or about your boss that grabs your asscheeks at work even though you are the same gender, or you can even tell me about the embarrassing social disease you picked up at the last furry con!
I will then pretend like I care a whole bunch about your problem and offer heartfelt yet irrelevant advice on how to deal with your entire life based upon a vague 3 minute snapshot! (Hey, does this sound at all like some radio show with a certain irritating female hostess who pretends to be a doctor?).
C'mon folks! Send me your letters!
Then they will write me letters to thank me for making their small, meaningless lives even more meaningless and shallow! And, someone might even offer me a job providing professional counseling.
Wow! Why didn't I think of this before?!
*Does the Happy Llama Dance, albeit somewhat gloomily*
Okay, it's up to you guys now. All four of my readers. Write in to me and tell me in gruesome detail about some sort of HORRIBLE PERSONAL PROBLEM you have. It can be about your awful relationship with your alcoholic, verbally abusive gun-toting spouse or about your boss that grabs your asscheeks at work even though you are the same gender, or you can even tell me about the embarrassing social disease you picked up at the last furry con!
I will then pretend like I care a whole bunch about your problem and offer heartfelt yet irrelevant advice on how to deal with your entire life based upon a vague 3 minute snapshot! (Hey, does this sound at all like some radio show with a certain irritating female hostess who pretends to be a doctor?).
C'mon folks! Send me your letters!
*mind goes crazy*
Especially ME.
I suck at math and I will have to drop a business and social math class because I don't understand shit.
There is a possibility that government takes the financial aid program out. If that happens, I will have to join the military because I don't have enough money to pay for school T.T
Oh and the nursing program is really hard! I study in a community college, and I am about to need to transfer to a University, but they only let a few people with high grades get in, and I am not getting as good grades as I should, even if I do try hard.
There, those are my stupid school problems T.T
P.S. Maybe your whole existance is the problem itself D:
How should I handle this?
Soooo- Next time you see them at a furry event, walk by them with a big, brightly colored, really thick and sticky sugar-based cocktail. Then, pretend to trip and spill it all over them (make sure you get the head, too)! You will stain it permanently, and they will be too embarrassed to ever wear the suit again! There's no such thing as cleaning a fursuit. That's why they all smell funny!
If you can't just pick something up and be good at it immediately, what's the point in even trying?! The best thing you could do at this point is simply give up in frustration.
Do trumpets come with a "ragequit" button?
If you can't just pick something up and be good at it immediately, what's the point in even trying?! The best thing you could do at this point is simply give up in frustration.
Do trumpets come with a "ragequit" button?
Also, make sure to complain to all your friends about how expensive your trumpet was and how you'll never get that kind of money back out of it when you quit.
I really hate it when I hit "post" twice. I'm no good at this kind of stuff!
*ragequits*
I had recieved a telephone call a couple of years ago telling me I was randomly selected to save the world, and now I'm at a loss on how to stop him. What should I do?
Find someone else to do your dirty work. Pay them under the table, in cash and if they fail spectacularly you can then blame their incompetence and no one will think less of you. Assuming there is anyone left for you to assign the blame. You WERE selected randomly, after all!
Be that as it may, at least your disgusting personal habit is personal and doesn't involve other people (at least, Llama presumes so).
Llama has discovered that Furries display an astonishing variety of gross habits ranging from chewing with their mouths open, salivating excessively, making cute squeaky noises and, worst of all, demanding hugs. In fact, he is surprised that more of them don't take after their pets and groom their genitals with their own tongues, but he attributes this to anatomical impossibilities rather than lack of desire.
Now, with respect to your own revolting (tho hardly unique) problem, Llama recommends dousing your sticky fingers in a bowl of Sriracha sauce and wasabi paste every morning. Not only will this serve as a fiery deterrent to nose-picking, if even you even attempt to dig around in there it will open your sinuses better than any amount of booger-hooking could accomplish.
NEXT!!!
*sighs*
fine! So, as you are probably not aware- Llamas are ungulates- We don't eat meat! YUCK! Meat is murder!
My advice to you is GIVE UP THE MEAT! Go veggie! Eat alfalfa and lettuce and edemame. They say going veggie makes you lose weight and feel better about yourself so maybe that will help you attract this guy you kinda have um, 'feelings' for.
On the other hand, I've never felt any better about myself. And, in fact, I have never even felt good about myself!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? What's a Marry Sue?!
I Don't understaaaaannnnd!
I even get jealous of Dilbert.
Maybe then people would LEAVE ME ALONE!