can you simplify this please? you kinda just ran right from one topic into another and the point of the journal got lost in the center quagmire of it so what was the point you were trying to get across?

There isn't a point, per se. I wrote this out because I have been and still am confused why I don't find anything that exists to be attractive. It's a "stream of consciousness" writing, so I don't expect many people to be able to follow it.

ah ok then, while I cant say I experience a lot of what you say in this journal, but I can say that you could also look to yourself. finding other stuff appealing can often start from finding qualities in yourself that you really like. that's how it was for me, but even tho I found my soul and spirit attractive I didn't put much stock in my looks. that's when I learned that it takes both finding yourself attractive and having others find you attractive to make great strides in finding what you like. my mate tells me often how attractive I am to him and it helps me a lot and it makes me think about the things im attracted too and I look for things I like and my mate likes that we can share as a couple. I hope ive been able to help you to some small degree.

To be completely clear from the start, and to avoid any possible conflict in communication, I am not saying that I "understand" or that "i know how you feel, bro" or any of that kind of stuff....but I do know what it feels like to not be attracted to the body of the human being.

I can only create friendships with the people that i meet, and only when there is a deep emotional bond with them can i begin to be attracted to them sexually...and by 'sexually' I mean a deep want to make the other person feel good and for them to show their love in return regardless of what it is. Only two people have ever managed to create that bond with me.

I have discovered after a long time that there are, in fact, things that turn me on and off, but that still hasn't redefined what intimacy is for me...

the fact that the current person i am with is NOT a fur, and yet embraces who i am for how different and weird i am and actively works to make me feel like i can be myself has got to be Love...Don't give up on love...on finding those pure souls that wander in search of something that the earthly world cant offer them...something that only another soul can.

Physical attraction is overrated. I hope you can find someone who can embrace your views on life and love, and/or already shares the same views as you.

*hugs*

Thank you very much for sharing your story. This is helping me. :)

Im glad :) ...i know personal stories arent the best use for times like these but yay

Off topic, but do you remember who i am?

I've struggled long with the idea and cause of homosexuality and fetishes, as they didn't seem to have any evolutionary advantage. I don't have a clear answer per se; only certain faint guidelines on how to treat the subject. This is just my opinion and part experience; it may not be right; it may not be exactly logical; but at least it's something to think about. As you seem to enjoy the idea of evolution (not intelligent design) let's now dive into the thematic!

Why do you fell in love with a certain fetish, and not the whole person? Simply, because it's your brain taking over. You are a person, but you are also a body, a living creature with craves for living. Here's an example: do you like pizza? Or do you like to live? 9 out of 10 people would say they like pizza, but when you ask them, if they like their life, maybe 4 would agree. Without pizza, they would starve and die (hey, I'm exaggerating for the sake of example). Pizza is the one thing we take here for granted: we need it to survive. As much as we need fresh air, food, water, a place to deposit or recycle our excrement, a place to sleep peacefully, and possibly a partner to reproduce.

I think the thing with the fetishes is that the animal part of our brain is taking over, because the personality/ego is standing in the way. It's like your Windows computer broke down, and in order to flesh out a paper you resort to the typewriter. Your sexual-animal brain tells you to have a partner, to breed, but your personality or higher brain tells you should follow the code of the pack/horde/tribe/society you're living in. Personality and social in us invents all kinds of psychological contraptions to keep us from having sex. So the animal brain comes with a solution - the fetishes; something that has a deep, rooted access to the lower brain functions, something that overrides the high-level contraptions that the society imposed on our personality brain. You might not be aware of the contraptions, as they're usually imprinted to you at young age, are a kind of trauma, or genetically inherited.

Simply put: if one cannot think a way to seduce a girl, or is too scared of approaching one, the animal brain would make him a breast fetish or a vagina fetish. So one would not look for the girl, but for a pussy, and the thought of pussy would be more comforting for him that the thought of a full-featured girl with a personality.

In other words: can't talk the dude into cuddles, then tickle his feet.

(That is basically what you meant to say. Duh.)

Why do one finds inhuman form attractive? Again a contraption. I wouldn't worry too much about that; it might be a remainder from a time when we were still hanging from the branches and living in the jungle. Here's how I see it: being attracted to creatures similar to yourself (but not completely same) isn't good for you, but perhaps could be positive for the biological diversity. It's a little far-fetched theory, so let me start early. Think of a wolf who likes to mate with foxes. While it's unlikely that this would happen in nature, it is not impossible. The pair would mate, and of course there would be no offspring, just hormones playing a tune on the brain piano. But look from the greater perspective: in 100.000 years, 1.000.000 foxes would give in to 1.000.000 wolves (that itself cries for an orgy commission) and with the huge number of combinations and all different factors included, there will be an offspring eventually. And if I'm to put my hopes on statistics, there would be more than a few offsprings. Error checking algorithms in the DNA code are state of the art, but they aren't perfect. Let's say that in 1.000.000 intercourses, we would have 10.000 fox-wolf hybrids (1% chance). Out of that 10.000 folves, at least 50% would be defective, carrying a lethal gene that would end the creature's life before it reaches adulthood, and at least 40% would be rejected by the mother. So cut the math and let's assume now, that over the 100.000 years period, there would be 100 folves who are capable of living on their own, sharing the genetics of both wolves and foxes. They could posses traits and advantages of both species, and hormones that attract sexual partners of both. Their DNA would also be more susceptible to mating with either of the canid species. Out of that 100 folves, let us imagine 6 of them would get engaged with a second folf of the opposite gender. They would encounter one another, sniff out and conclude that they're made for each other (insert KISS song here). They would have offspring, and their offspring would mate too. And they would all be folves. The folves of the second generation would mate with the existing folves. Two generations ahead, the folves would be no longer able to successfully mate with original foxes or wolves, because their DNA has started diversifying. And voila! A small deviation in sexual attraction has created a new species.

On the other hand, a huge deviation in sexual attraction doesn't lead anywhere; the DNA difference between a fox and a dolphin, or between a human and a rat are too great to allow successful gestation. So we could certainly say that it is just a waste of energy and a health threat to both species. Yet the fetish itself remains: a desire to mate, a contraption which the lower brain applied improperly.

When I dress up in a New Age or scientology mindset, I could come up with a fantasy explanation that the 'furry' was a meme-complex implanted to us by ancient aliens, so we would learn and prepare to live together with all the thousands of other races in the galaxy. To prepare minds of some of us (or maybe all) for the ultimate diversity, once the cloaking generator (manifested by detectable microwave background radiation) around our solar system is turned off by the Galatic Federation officials. Gosh, that'd make a good story. But then all the people would have to become furries, or get involved with the hyper-diversity one way or another. Eh. That's a bit too off I guess. As I'm now involved with furry, ten years ago I was involved with sci-fi (but then there weren't internet, only people).

Nowdays, I think that furry is just an echo of memory imprints from our childhood: the cartoons, the comics, the facial shapes of characters with big eyes and muzzles, reminding us of small children, which should be protected, because they are more closer to animals than grown-ups, because they share the love of life, and without that primordial love life appears difficult.

And so you said: life. It has to be lived, no matter. So we choose niches and ways to fit ourselves in. Humans are humans, and that is the hard, concrete fact. My heart was broken when I understood that the foxie I was going to date (and whom I've had sex over IRC numerous times) is a human in fact, and not exactly the best looking one in the world. But over time I got used to it, and learned to see a human behind the mask, to perceive a human, and to enjoy their company. I did that by understanding humans as another species: as another kind of furries that have a slightly different physique. Yes, there are anthropomorphic foxes out there! There are lustful bunnies and sadistic wolves with chainmalls and leather. There are rats in lab coats and raccoons at rave parties. They can't be reached right now, so let them be. It's all a part of life. As there are diamond miners in Nigeria, there are white-collar people walking their dogs in Central Park. Currently, there are humans, and that's what we have to work with.

Humans can be lustful, maybe not as sleezy or sleek as foxes or bunnies, but that's what they are. Humans can be sadistic, with chainmalls and leather, and wear lab coats. Humans can go to rave parties, hell - humans invented rave parties. Humans might be badly drawn (Darwin isn't much of an artist) but they have their style, and sooner or later you'll have to settle with the fact that you can only love a human, hurt a human, and forgive me for being rude - fuck a human.

Animals are there to be a kind of a mirror in which we reflect ourselves. Time we spend with them is in fact time of introspection; when our brains are turned inside out. Animals teach us things sometimes; but all they teach us are things that we should've had known already. Simple facts that we ignore: sleep when you are sleepy; breed when you want it; eat when you are hungry. Follow your society, like wovles or elk follow their pack in order to survive, but if you cannot then just leave and be a lone star howling at the moon in a trailer somewhere in North Dakota badlands. Do what thou whilst, harm no one. You give purpose to life, but life itself doesn't care about you. Not everyone finds life a two-way street. You must find it's own meaning, with the traits and heritage you have from birth and with experience gathered during long years.

And Darwin help me, when I've first discovered the fandom, I was a shrieky, lone tween who didn't know what he wanted. I supposed I was gay, because the porn aroused me; and I didn't know anything other than porn. I was angry at homosexuals, and jealous of the ones who were open about their orientation. Possibility of meeting a gay guy terrified me to the point of homophobia. Maybe I was damn scared, or just shy, not sure. I had no idea that the moving images were hiding actual persons; I was turned on by fetish of body parts and their interactions. You see, my animalistic brain did an override, to try saving my personality brain from loneliness overload (which could be calculated down to a self-esteem issue, but that's another story). The reason for that, as I percieve it, is because I never really did form bonds with people; I didn't go out and play as a kid, my mother wouldn't let me go, so I stayed at home all day long and read books. Later on, when I started working, I didn't really want to go out on a party, or go somewhere with the two friends I had from junior high. I stayed at home, ogled at books or at the computer (I was regarded as only geek in the neighborhood). The latter brought me to the fandom, following two hideous links, like Alice in Wonderland followed the white rabbit and... Well, you know that story.

I signed up to my first forum around the Fur-Piled comic. I started talking; communicating. I discovered I wasn't alone, and that there were hundreds of people sharing the same interest. I still remember the first time I came to a chatroom, and being surrounded with various people I knew and trusted. Suddenly, they started snuggling and doing the TF thing. I watched, shocked at first, then surprised. People were having sex in front of me (textual, but still), and they were real people I knew, and then, I knew I was rewired. All the porn I've been watching suddenly became humane, understandable. Something that could happen to me. Something I could do to someone. And then the porn lost it's appeal, because I understood it was something regarding fetishes, fuel for the jumper wires that our animal brain was putting over our neurons.

Just then, as I was watching something beautiful, a friend licked me. We started playing. It... Was a miracle. Someone actually showed affection! To me! I licked back, and snuggled. And we had sex. I had it for the first time.

Next morning, I had the most beautiful wakeup, ever. Sun beaing through the window felt different, it was a new sun. Air in the room was a new air. And I didn't feel like a virgin anymore. It didn't matter that I lost it through the screen and keyboard, and that I didn't cum afterwards. I learned my lession: virginity was a state of mind.

Fast forward one month - I think it was mid-november 2009 - while I was relaxing on my bed, listening to Knotcast, it all finally came to me, the whole big idea what life is, and what the whole furry fandom meant to say to my subconsciousness. There are masks and under those masks are people, humans, nude, smoking a cigar or reading a book, or brushing their teeth. Bam of illumination! All those thoughts that I had, were also shared with multitude of others. I'm not a special snowflake, I'm just like the rest of them, and they're just like me. Looking at people, I did look at my reflection. My own species. It was a delicate and powerful sensation.

And one day, I would eventually find my human, and we'd be open about everything, we'd be like a pair of animals, but still humans. And we'd be like dogs, fighting in the dirt, and we'd be still humans. We'd be like raccoons, biting each other and stealing food, but we'd be still humans. And we'd be like horses, watching ourselves poop big time and then eat grass, and we'd be still humans.

And I realized, it's a love of life that I craved for, something that only animals and small children had. Throw away social constructs, throw away identities, just live. Be fully ignorant and fully immersed at the same time, at the same intensity.

It was like waking from a dream. Well, I think Darwin saved me that day, because I was ready to out myself to everyone I knew, and that would probably end up with me being beaten to death or thrown away on the streets with the hoboes. But I was fearless, like a dire wolf. No problem seemed unsolvable. I didn't have an image to keep, I didn't have any self-esteem issues anymore, no poison to spit out. I wanted to do what felt right, what made me feel good. It was a kind of nirvana. As I said, Darwin saved me that day. Oh good Darwin, make me understand this isn't Canada or Belgium, people get their brains spilled over the pavement for wearing rainbow bracelets!

So when you say, different creatures living together, (...) without things in the way of what life matters , I know exactly what you think. But all those creatures are people, homo sapiens, the most stupid animal in the Darwin's kingdom. And that, I think, is the greatest gift I received from the furries; the fact that they taught me how to be a man. Gave me a taste of how paradise looks like, and why I ought to be a good person in order to earn it's glades.

I would suggest to try smashing that husk and jumping into the world that is meant to be your oyster. Your thoughts form your habits, and your habits tend to shape your fate. Humans are as boring as you make them so.

Hell, I could even tell you a story how I turned my foxie from a miserable basement geek into a horny devil, but hey, that's a whole other story. :3