A blonde walks into a bar. She says "ouch".

(with apologies to those of fair hair and high intellect)

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

(Arguable in how clean it is, but I don't think it's that bad :P)

this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAJxpo4lrB4

I have a lot but I can't remember most of them most of the time, so my mom gave me one...


What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

D'Artagnan and Ilya Muromets have challenged one another to a duel. D'Artagnan takes a piece of chalk and draws an X on Ilya's breastblate, boasting "Here is where I shall run ye through and through with my rapier!"

Ilya turns to his fellow Bogatyr, Alyosha, and says "Cover him whole with flour. I shall bring my mace to bear against this rapscallion."

*breastplate

Why did Simba's father die?

He couldn't Mufasa :P

A neutron walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?"

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

---

Did you hear about the dolphin trainer who lost his job, and committed suicide?

The note he left said that his life had no more porpoise.

A bar is walked into by a man in passive voice.

A friend of mine told me this one once: "There's only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary code, and those who don't."

Ha! i got it!

teehee

An anthro dog walks down on the sidewalk and by passes an anthro cat, he turns and says: Hello Kitty!

http://www.jokes.com/funny-animal-j.....---got-grapes-

I don't know why I find it funny.

♫ Then he waddled away, waddle-waddle-waddle. ♫

Just in case you have no clue what I'm referencing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFPf7wrLWxg

It is great joke, though better in song. ^^;

I have a few in mind, but can't think of them at the moment so here's a phrase from a shirt I've seen b4. " What's a place like you doing in a girl like this?"

They say the invention of the shovel was Groundbreaking!

The .NET framework.

XD

Three women are waiting to get into heaven, Saint Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says "I'm going to let you in but you can't step on any ducks." The woman find this odd but go in, Sure enough heaven is filled with ducks. One of the women steps on a duck immediately and Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man they had ever seen and says "I warned you not to step on any ducks, as punishment you will be chained to this man for all eternity." A few days go by and second woman steps on a duck, Saint Peter comes along with yet another ugly man and chains him to the second woman. Weeks go by and the third woman has made every effort to avoid stepping on any ducks. Suddenly Saint Peter walks by with the most attractive man she had ever seen and without saying anything handcuffs him to her, The woman looks at the man and says "I wonder what I did to deserve you?" the man replies "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck."

I found this one to be quite amusing for a clean joke.

Three kids are running from security in a grocery store. When the security guard starts to catches up to them, they decide to split up and hide. One hides in a tomato pile. One hides in an orange pile. While the third hides in a pile of potatoes. When the guard finally catches up to the spot they decide to hide he starts inspecting the fruit and veg. Hoping to make the guard go away the first kid goes, "Moew.", and the second kid joins in, "Meow.", while the third kid goes, "poooe-taaay-toooe.". The guard stops for a second and goes, "wait a tick, tomatoes and oranges don't meow!"

Stupid, I know, but it gets me every time.

Oh! Also!

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

Poe-tay-toeeeee! Oh god

Probably this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5ed.....n&index=20

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who don't expect this joke to be in base three.

Two guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks.

What's great about having a broken vacuum cleaner?

It doesn't suck.

"How do I look?"

"Like a vampire with a day pass."

One of my favorites from Red Skelton: "You look like a million! Maybe older..."

A snake slithers into a music store and is rifling through the piano sheet music. The clerk comes up to him and says, "Can I help you find anything today?" And the snake replies, "Yeah, got anything without a lot of chords?"

Also, this thread...so much win: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1cdszh/

There is a really really good pun I know of but I don't think it falls under the title of 'clean joke' x37

As for clean jokes, I got nothing x3

What's the last thing to through a bug's head when he hits a windshield?
his butt. *splat*

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three. His left ear, his right ear and his Final Frontier!

McDonalds is a restoraunt.

One lit candle meets another. One of them says: "Hey, we should go out, today!" *ba-dump-tsh*

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Ah, got another!
Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff! *bah-dum-tsh*

Three girls are in an airplane flying. the blonde one finishes her banana and throws it out the window. The brunette didn't like oranges, and threw it out the window. The red-head found out her apple was a bomb and threw it out a window.

When they landed and walked outside they saw a man holding his ankle. The blond-haired girl asked "What's wrong?"
The man cringed, "I slipped on a banana peel..." They nodded in understanding and walked away with a grin. The brunette found a boy holding a leash with a dead dog on the end, crying. "What's wrong?" she asked,
"My dog died because and orange fell from the sky and killed him!" The boy cried, the girls hugged him and turned, but giggled slighty. Then the red-head found a boy laughing next to his grandmother's wheelchair. the Elderly woman looking at her toosh. "What's up?" the girl asked. The boy stopped laughing for a split second. "My grandma farted and the building blew up!" the girls and the boy all started laughing together.

Dead dogs ain't funny, neither is throwing bombs but hey, it's clean enough.

---

There were three ducks, one slept in the toilet, one slept outside and one slept in a cage. The next day the ducks met up. The third duck ruffled his feathers. "My sleep was comfortable."
the second duck nodded, "My sleep was only slightly restless."
the first duck shivered "There was a lot of rain and a log fell on me!"
pay attention to the numbers.

breaking the ice hurr--
dirty joke:
a white hrose fell into some mud.

clean joke:
A dirty horse took a bath.

These are more for the scientifically literate.


Two bacteria walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve bacteria in here." The bacteria replied, "But we work here. We're Staph."

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve infectious diseases in here." The infectious disease replies, "Well you're not a very good host."

An infrared photon walks into a bar and says, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

A Neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve Neutrinos in here." The Neutrino replied, "No worries. I'm just passing through."

Some Helium gas drifts into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here." The Helium doesn't react.

LOL! x3

"Scientifically literate" must have a seriously fucking loose definition in your country, motherfucker.

That's the best XD

Two people walk into a bar, one is an scientist.
The bartender ask what they want to drink.
The scientist says: "I want some H2O, please."
The other one says: "Oh, that sounds good. Give me some H2O, too."
They get their drinks and drink. The non-scientist died.

_____________________________________________________________________________

One reason for the 2.WW was, that Germany had no money anymore. As Nazi-Germany invaded their neighbours, they also wanted to get the gold of those countrys asap.
There was a nice saying for that: "After the first German tank, comes the Dresdner Bank"

Three men walk into a bar. At least one of them should've seen it coming!
Why did the baker throw away his excess dough? He didn't knead it!

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"