FA+
Shop
So...
12 years ago
Current avatar is by 
What's going on? I went on a hiatus, then fell off the face of the earth, practically. Well, the reason I started the hiatus is different from the reason I'm posting this journal. It's funny how things change. There are several things I want to cover here, so it will probably be TL/DR for some. So it doesn't make my page extremely long, I've decided to save it in a sta.sh file on DA and paste the link here -
http://sta.sh/06cn3pv072o
Also, as I feel it relates to what I've said here, I feel I should mention that I've been reading up on the Avoidant Personality Disorder subtypes, specifically self-deserting, and although I can't diagnose myself based on a paragraph on the internet, a lot of this sounds shockingly similar to the things I've felt -
-Self-deserting avoidant - including depressive features
A clear example of the influence of different personality domains is found in this last subtype of avoidant patterns. Self-deserting avoidants combine the social (interpersonal) retreating of the avoidant with the ruminative (cognitive) self-devaluation of the depressive personality. These individuals immerse themselves in a surrogate fantasy existence to avoid the discomfort of having to relate to others. They are not, however, unaware of their use of these tactics (unless, for example, they are concurrently experiencing a major depressive episode with psychosis), and this makes them painfully aware of their perceived inadequacies. Fantasy gradually becomes less effective, and their thoughts center more and more on the misery of their lives and the anguish of past experiences. Waking dreams are displaced by painful ruminations. Thus totally interiorized, the feelings that motivated their initial withdrawal reverberate unremittingly. More and more, they cannot tolerate being themselves and seek to completely withdraw from their own conscious awareness, an existential abnegation of selfhood. As this process proceeds, selfdeserting avoidants become outside spectators, observing from without the drama of their frightening transformation.
http://sta.sh/06cn3pv072o
Also, as I feel it relates to what I've said here, I feel I should mention that I've been reading up on the Avoidant Personality Disorder subtypes, specifically self-deserting, and although I can't diagnose myself based on a paragraph on the internet, a lot of this sounds shockingly similar to the things I've felt -
-Self-deserting avoidant - including depressive features
A clear example of the influence of different personality domains is found in this last subtype of avoidant patterns. Self-deserting avoidants combine the social (interpersonal) retreating of the avoidant with the ruminative (cognitive) self-devaluation of the depressive personality. These individuals immerse themselves in a surrogate fantasy existence to avoid the discomfort of having to relate to others. They are not, however, unaware of their use of these tactics (unless, for example, they are concurrently experiencing a major depressive episode with psychosis), and this makes them painfully aware of their perceived inadequacies. Fantasy gradually becomes less effective, and their thoughts center more and more on the misery of their lives and the anguish of past experiences. Waking dreams are displaced by painful ruminations. Thus totally interiorized, the feelings that motivated their initial withdrawal reverberate unremittingly. More and more, they cannot tolerate being themselves and seek to completely withdraw from their own conscious awareness, an existential abnegation of selfhood. As this process proceeds, selfdeserting avoidants become outside spectators, observing from without the drama of their frightening transformation.
Anyway... Welcome Back!
As if I haven't been talking to you elsewhere bout this >w>