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Love?
12 years ago
General
Yup.
I've given up. I'm much too much a mess and way too scared of...hell, all of the things. I'm afraid nobody but Ceri can ever love me for me and get past my looks. Nobody takes me seriously most of the time. We tiny, scrawny things can be dominant too! I admit, I need to work on anger issues, but I have my reasons. I'm not going to stand for being abused any longer. I'm away from my father now and I am safe and happy.
I'm afraid I'd damage a real person too much, I enjoy some kinky, crazy things...but I'm worried I wont listen to my play partner and would be unable to stop, so I settle for not doing things IRL. I have a morbid sense of humor and often find a roadkill comical, in a way. Like in the summer, there's so many gophers that look like they were reaching out and asking for help and somehow, I find it amusing.
I do not want to be a victim ever again,nor do I want to make someone else into one. What is love, if it's not always being hurt, being wounded? The love Ceri and I share is what I wanted in a sibling all of my life, growing up. I just wish I didn't cry randomly for no reason...or curl up into a ball and not move/eat for days. What's wrong with me?
Being blind enough to need a guide dog is awesome fun too. I have to learn to trust the thing I hate most. I can tolerate them, mostly...now. But sometimes even canine fursuiters, if they try to put their muzzle near me, especially if it's opened, it triggers me, bad. I know, I know, not every dog wants to give me more scars for life....but I'm working at it! The little monsters here, I let them sit by me and sometimes on me now, I think that's progress.
Blah, random rant of stupid feels done.
I've given up. I'm much too much a mess and way too scared of...hell, all of the things. I'm afraid nobody but Ceri can ever love me for me and get past my looks. Nobody takes me seriously most of the time. We tiny, scrawny things can be dominant too! I admit, I need to work on anger issues, but I have my reasons. I'm not going to stand for being abused any longer. I'm away from my father now and I am safe and happy.
I'm afraid I'd damage a real person too much, I enjoy some kinky, crazy things...but I'm worried I wont listen to my play partner and would be unable to stop, so I settle for not doing things IRL. I have a morbid sense of humor and often find a roadkill comical, in a way. Like in the summer, there's so many gophers that look like they were reaching out and asking for help and somehow, I find it amusing.
I do not want to be a victim ever again,nor do I want to make someone else into one. What is love, if it's not always being hurt, being wounded? The love Ceri and I share is what I wanted in a sibling all of my life, growing up. I just wish I didn't cry randomly for no reason...or curl up into a ball and not move/eat for days. What's wrong with me?
Being blind enough to need a guide dog is awesome fun too. I have to learn to trust the thing I hate most. I can tolerate them, mostly...now. But sometimes even canine fursuiters, if they try to put their muzzle near me, especially if it's opened, it triggers me, bad. I know, I know, not every dog wants to give me more scars for life....but I'm working at it! The little monsters here, I let them sit by me and sometimes on me now, I think that's progress.
Blah, random rant of stupid feels done.
