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Not So Merry Christmas
12 years ago
Just a heads up... There's going to be a lot of seemingly self-entitled whining in this post, if you're not familiar with depression. First-world problems and all that. If you don't want to read about me being emo, go look at mah porn and enjoy your holidays.
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So I haven't had the greatest holidays.
Don't get me wrong. I got a couple of really great gifts, and I'm told there's more on the way. I had the day mostly off from work, and had dinner with friends, and played Apples to Apples and hung out. The people who got gifts from me, I'm pretty sure they loved them. I baked a pie and made rum balls.
But that's pretty much all superficial.
I have been, for the past several weeks now, seriously depressed. Crying every time I'm alone and free to do so unobserved. And sometimes, I haven't even been able to hold it back in public. I'm tired. It's been a struggle to just make it through the days. I'm barely taking care of myself and my cats. I've gained 30 lbs over the past couple of months. My apartment is a wreck and growing less habitable by the day. I drink myself into stupidity almost every night because I just want to escape and there's no way out.
I'm in a cage of my own creation. I loved Seattle. I loved living there, I loved my job there, I loved all the friends I made and the community and the places and events and my roommates and just about everything about the place. But two years ago, I moved to Chicago because I had an improperly diagnosed condition that was putting me in pain all the time, where I was missing work, couldn't hang out with friends, was constantly on pain medications, and my choices were to apply for disability or flee the state in hopes of a cure somewhere else. I came here and within days I was cured. But in the process I left behind everything I cared about.
I live in a tiny one-bedroom condo by myself. It's overcrowded because it's too tiny for all my stuff, there's no dishwasher and the kitchen is barely big enough to make a meal, I don't have any climate control other than cracking a window, and I'm alone. So very, very alone. I've never felt so isolated and lonely before in my life. But I can't leave.
I can't move to a bigger place. I can't rent a larger unit in this building, because I'd be paying at least 3 times as much as I currently am for any place that's bigger than mine. I'm trying to pay off my debt and save up, and my current place is rented to me by a "friend" for a steep discount which is allowing me to afford to do so. I can't move to a cheaper building, because all my local friends live in this building and all the nearby buildings are just as expensive. I rarely get to see my friends because my work/sleep schedule is opposite theirs, but if I moved out of this complex I'd see them even less, if ever. And I can't leave the city, because I've got a job that's training me in all of these things that I need to really have a career instead of bouncing from one bad customer service job to another. This godforsaken city, rife with insane homeless people, murders, crime, and overcrowding. I fucking HATE Chicago. I want out so bad and I can't leave because I'm just trying to make a good future for myself...
And I'm so lonely. All the streaming, all the IMs, all the internet relationships and friendships and Skype calls feel like just a distraction from the fact that I'm sitting in this tiny box all by myself, in a vast city of strangers, no one to talk to, no one to come home to, no one to just be there. It's just me, reaching out over an Internet connection trying and failing to feel like there's anything that matters and anyone that cares. It's just words on a box and in the end I'm still crying into my pillow in a cold bed with nothing but cats to snuggle up to.
I know it's just a phase. I know the depression comes and goes, and it'll go and I'll be okay again, someday. I don't know when; it just does. I don't want to take medications, because 2/3 of the shit they experimented on me with when they were trying to fix my pain issues in Seattle were antidepressants, and they either turn you into someone you're not, or a zombie, or they just plain take away your will to live. I'm just surviving one day at a time, waiting for it to pass, and it's so damn hard. And I feel like I have no one to lean on.
I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy, or support. It's just more words on a box. I just... it seems like everyone who commits suicide just keeps it in until the end, and everyone says "We never knew, if only he/she had said something, they seemed so happy/normal." I know how dangerous it is to keep it all in. I've survived this long and I intend to keep doing so. It's just hard, you know? I don't want to be the one who goes quietly in the end, where no one knows I'm gone until one of my coworkers drops by to ask why I missed my shift. I just... I just want to be happy again.
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
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So I haven't had the greatest holidays.
Don't get me wrong. I got a couple of really great gifts, and I'm told there's more on the way. I had the day mostly off from work, and had dinner with friends, and played Apples to Apples and hung out. The people who got gifts from me, I'm pretty sure they loved them. I baked a pie and made rum balls.
But that's pretty much all superficial.
I have been, for the past several weeks now, seriously depressed. Crying every time I'm alone and free to do so unobserved. And sometimes, I haven't even been able to hold it back in public. I'm tired. It's been a struggle to just make it through the days. I'm barely taking care of myself and my cats. I've gained 30 lbs over the past couple of months. My apartment is a wreck and growing less habitable by the day. I drink myself into stupidity almost every night because I just want to escape and there's no way out.
I'm in a cage of my own creation. I loved Seattle. I loved living there, I loved my job there, I loved all the friends I made and the community and the places and events and my roommates and just about everything about the place. But two years ago, I moved to Chicago because I had an improperly diagnosed condition that was putting me in pain all the time, where I was missing work, couldn't hang out with friends, was constantly on pain medications, and my choices were to apply for disability or flee the state in hopes of a cure somewhere else. I came here and within days I was cured. But in the process I left behind everything I cared about.
I live in a tiny one-bedroom condo by myself. It's overcrowded because it's too tiny for all my stuff, there's no dishwasher and the kitchen is barely big enough to make a meal, I don't have any climate control other than cracking a window, and I'm alone. So very, very alone. I've never felt so isolated and lonely before in my life. But I can't leave.
I can't move to a bigger place. I can't rent a larger unit in this building, because I'd be paying at least 3 times as much as I currently am for any place that's bigger than mine. I'm trying to pay off my debt and save up, and my current place is rented to me by a "friend" for a steep discount which is allowing me to afford to do so. I can't move to a cheaper building, because all my local friends live in this building and all the nearby buildings are just as expensive. I rarely get to see my friends because my work/sleep schedule is opposite theirs, but if I moved out of this complex I'd see them even less, if ever. And I can't leave the city, because I've got a job that's training me in all of these things that I need to really have a career instead of bouncing from one bad customer service job to another. This godforsaken city, rife with insane homeless people, murders, crime, and overcrowding. I fucking HATE Chicago. I want out so bad and I can't leave because I'm just trying to make a good future for myself...
And I'm so lonely. All the streaming, all the IMs, all the internet relationships and friendships and Skype calls feel like just a distraction from the fact that I'm sitting in this tiny box all by myself, in a vast city of strangers, no one to talk to, no one to come home to, no one to just be there. It's just me, reaching out over an Internet connection trying and failing to feel like there's anything that matters and anyone that cares. It's just words on a box and in the end I'm still crying into my pillow in a cold bed with nothing but cats to snuggle up to.
I know it's just a phase. I know the depression comes and goes, and it'll go and I'll be okay again, someday. I don't know when; it just does. I don't want to take medications, because 2/3 of the shit they experimented on me with when they were trying to fix my pain issues in Seattle were antidepressants, and they either turn you into someone you're not, or a zombie, or they just plain take away your will to live. I'm just surviving one day at a time, waiting for it to pass, and it's so damn hard. And I feel like I have no one to lean on.
I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy, or support. It's just more words on a box. I just... it seems like everyone who commits suicide just keeps it in until the end, and everyone says "We never knew, if only he/she had said something, they seemed so happy/normal." I know how dangerous it is to keep it all in. I've survived this long and I intend to keep doing so. It's just hard, you know? I don't want to be the one who goes quietly in the end, where no one knows I'm gone until one of my coworkers drops by to ask why I missed my shift. I just... I just want to be happy again.
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
Head my words, miss. You're strong and wise. You'll make it. I have faith.
Keep well, miss.
But the good news is you'll get through it, even if by no other means than just muddling through things day by day until the passing of time washes away your woes.
I know what it's like to be stuck in a rut, living in a lousy situation in a lousy city with few friends and vanishingly little contact with the outside world. I spent a whole decade like that. It wasn't much fun. But I muddled along, did what I could, and now I'm rolling up on year number 2 of living my dream.
I know it's just more words on the screen, but I care.
I can't tell you that there's an easy answer for dealing with depression, because there isn't one. I can tell you, though, that you're not a bad, weak or inferior person for being depressed. It's not your fault, and it doesn't make you any less awesome.
I think an important key to managing it is to try your best to not get completely wrapped up in your daily grind, as that tends to just feed the cycle. If you do the same thing every day, then the days will all bleed into each other and you'll feel like time is standing still and you aren't moving forward. If you go to the same places every day, then the world will seem tiny and limiting and filled with nothing but your troubles.
Do your best to try to find new experiences every day. It'll seem pointless and hollow, even completely futile, but it'll help you slowly chip away at the depression little by little, even if it doesn't feel like it.
With that being said: Your life is pretty rough already, from the sound of it. Anyone would be feeling bad, and then you have depression on top of it. So I'm amazed you're holding together at all; I'm not sure I'd have the resolve to last where you are, in the way you're describing. Hell, I've been breaking down just because my parents moved a few states away and was freaked out about my classes at school. The fact that you're reaching out like this is a good sign; it means, no matter how bad you're feeling, you don't want to give up on your life. My best suggestion would be to hold onto that, and just remember you're not the only person out there dealing with depression. I can imagine how hard everything you've described would be with my own depression, and as I said, I don't know how I'd cope.
Just don't feel like you're alone. You're not; we may be across the internet, but there's people who at least care enough about you to listen to what's bugging you and want to see you keep holding on. Even if you can't have any sort of physical affection or human interaction, we're still here to listen and relate.
I'm sorry for rambling on...I just tend to have a lot of sympathy for fellow depression sufferers and I don't like to just leave them feeling like they're alone. I know how I feel when I feel like that, and it feels like nobody even cares sometimes. So I don't want someone else to feel that way when I can offer my ear to listen.
I'm so sorry. :/ I hope it gets better for you, I really do.
I know we have only spoken a few times on your streams, but I want you to know, I very much understand what you are talking about. It is painful not having someone to connect with, especially if you are the kind of person that craves being together with others. Some people are just fine alone, they can get along with just themselves to talk to, and that is great for them. But some people need others in their lives day to day. I grew up in a small but tight knit family, and had a mate for many years, now that we are over the last year and a half have been very hard. I have a room-mate, but even that is not the same, not by a long shot.
Regardless of your life style, Sub, Dom, Pet, etc..., or just the most "normal" of people, if you are the kind of person that lives for others, or just needs a partner in their life, then living without is more then just hard, it is fairly emotionally crippling. If you are prone to depression it is even worse. I understand that feeling set too well.
My rambling aside, I truly hope you can get what you want out of your life sweetie, the career training, the home, the Lover, all of it.
*smiles warmly*
I would offer a hug, but you said hugs make you weepy.
The same person in your life is trying to help me out as well. We were discussing crime in Chicago the other night. He said he felt safe in the particular area that you're in.
I'm in the same boat you are: Lonely, depressed, suicidal. Wanna switch places? I live in said friend's condo, you live here in Utah. I wonder if we'd be happier? Well, you probably wouldn't. However horrible and lonely you think Chicago is, Utah is 10 times worse. The only thing better here is that it's low-crime. Otherwise, it's absolutely horrible.
Your life and my life is more intertwined than we realize. Maybe we can figure something out that would help us both out. Note me if you're interested.
You see, I get attached to some person because at some point they happen to shine their inner beauty. I get to see what a wonderful person they are, and I get attracted to them. I feel that need to reward that person, to make up for what God did not give them; to bring their life to the level at which I believe they deserve to be.
But then, that person no longer shines like that. And I know full well that this it is my ultimate failure: I keep believing that they are still just as shiny on the inside as I saw them at that some point. All I need to do is just add a little polish here and there, to tease that shininess and beauty of their soul out of them.
But I always fail at that. Because that amazing, shiny soul I've seen is... gone. And I am just unable to fathom how is it at all possible. For all I know, I have not changed to the worst despite the time passed — and you know me, I'm always looking back and analyzing, myself and others, to learn from past mistakes. You've known me for 12 years; our acquaintance started with me helping you; today, I'm still helping you. (It should be noted that, luckily, you are one of the very few persons whos souls still shine).
But helping people is hard. It is especially hard when my efforts are not only not recognized, but plain off dismissed. When the person allegedly in distress, to cheer whom up I dropped anything and everything, and came to talk and listen to, looks straight through me and complains that there's "no one to talk to", "no one to just be there", "nothing to snuggle up to".
You know, I am simply out of words that could properly describe how disheartening it is to be called "nobody".
It is really hard for me to live in the world where physical attractiveness is valued more than years of loyalty; where someone pledges their loyalty to you just to call it off later; where being a Master is about calling the pet names and slapping her around, not about doing the Master's job of actually providing for her living.
Fortunately, I have Leo on whom I can count in all circumstances, and your inner light to show me the way out whenever I'm about to fall into the darkness.
Sorry. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
So fine, if you're going to do it this way, we'll do it this way. Right in front of everyone.
"No one to talk to" and "no one to be there" is disheartening? I see you less than once a month. I can count the number of times we've interacted this year on my fingers. And we live in the same apartment building. I appreciate you helping me with this apartment, and the inkling of help I had from you in getting my job, but that doesn't make you a shoulder to lean on, or someone I can confide in. As much as I value your advice and assistance, that doesn't mean I am comfortable confiding in you, especially in light of our rocky past. And the fact that you are taking my loneliness as a personal insult is appalling to me. We had a long talk last night. I felt better after it. I cried in front of you and confided what was bothering me and what I meant by what I said and we had a good long conversation as friends and then you pull this? Not okay.
And as far as "nothing to snuggle up to" and your ideas of what a Master are, you are not, and never will be, my Master or in any kind of snuggle-worthy relationship with me. Our personalities are insanely incompatible, as you should have figured out years ago by how much we fight. You are one of two people that I have ever struck in anger in my life. You do not understand me, I do not understand you, and your persistence in criticizing my personal life and choices while simultaneously lamenting my lack of closeness to you is a factor that makes it very uncomfortable to be around you. I cannot snuggle with someone who makes me uncomfortable.
I still recognize and appreciate your help when it is provided. I still talk with you and confide in you when you come over to visit. I still consider you a friend. But do not assume that you can buy my confidence and closeness with favors. There's more to friendship than that.
http://www.lafflist.org/wiki/Join_the_List!
There is also a group here on Fur Affinity where many of the same local events are announced called
With that said, our next big event coming up is the annual LAFF New Year's Eve party, which is taking place at a Residence Inn in Oak Brook, Illinois, from December 31st-January 1st. You can find more information about that event on this website here: http://newyearsevecon.com/
You were saying that you feel that Chicago is a city of strangers with no one to talk to or hang out with, but it really doesn't have to be that way. There are a ton of great people who are part of LAFF, and we have events all over Northeast Illinois, Northwest Indiana, and Southeast Wisconsin, including within the city of Chicago itself. Try to make it out to one of our events sometime-- you just might hit it off with some great local furs. I myself have met nearly all of my best furry friends through LAFF. I personally really enjoy the twice-a-month bowling meets that we have every month out in Downers Grove, so I can personally highly recommend that particular event. The before-mentioned New Year's Eve party is always an absolute blast as well and I will be attending it again this year for what I think is the 9th year-in-a-row. So please, don't be a stranger-- join our e-mail list and give some of our local furmeets a try!
In any case, I sincerely hope that your life-situation improves in 2014, and that you find something that makes you happy again. Take care, and I wish you the best!
Throughout my own life my depression has followed me, the good times, the bad times, even through the times when I was without a home. You're making something of yourself, and achieving getting career training in a stressful environment in a city you hate. That's an amazing thing, I know it's not something I could pull off. Just remember there are people that can understand a least part of what you are feeling. Anyway enough of my babbling, bottom line is this If you wanna talk, there's skype or several other ways to talk. If you want it I'll give you my cell # I work till midnight Eastern time so I'm up late. You don't have to keep things bottled up and you're not alone cause we do care about you.
I'm gonna start asking questions in the area. Know that we're only a phone call away, and my statement to you that I will always answer the phone for you if you ring still stands. I just ask that you not call me on shift - regretfully,that is the one time that I can't answer.
You're a strong woman. If you weren't, you wouldn't have made it this far, survived this long. You know that better than anyone else ever will. You say you'll be okay eventually, and I agree, because I sincerely believe that despite the shitty life circumstances you find yourself in, you will succeed. How do I know this? Because you're still here, and you're still trying. That's crucially important - without that, nothing else matters. Don't give up.
I admire you having moved so far for yourself. I've not done such a thing and as much as I know I need to, I find the idea scary even as I prepare to move only five states away and rely entirely on myself for the first time in my life. I'm trying to make sure that I have a "career" as you put it before I do so, so that I can afford to do more than barely pay for rent, utilities and food. It's been difficult, but I eventually got tired of drinking and hating myself and escaping in a bunch of different things. I got tired of myself, of accepting less than my best from myself, settling for less than what I wanted, and buckled down for some uncomfortable experiences and pain, then managed to improve my life a little. You did more than that by moving out to Chicago, and though the circumstances aren't what you hoped for, I know you'll find a way to brighter times again.
Stay strong, take care, and please talk to someone if you need it, K'sharra. Sometimes "words on a box" can be all the help we need.
I so wish I could just give you a big hug right now both online and in the real world because you seem like you could use a hug. *offers a hug*
I'm going to go back to what I normally do now.
I can only offer hugs and amazing spankings.
Also letting your home get dirty and trashed adds to the depression. Start on doing some cleaning but take your time. If you do something at least once a day, it will be done in the end. But nothing is going to get done till you get yourself motivated. No one can do this but yourself. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you. ((big Mino hug)) and remember, you are NOT ALONE! If you need someone to talk to, go to a priest, or call a help line, or a friend.
Take care
In the meantime... I mostly drink just before bed, because being insensible helps me make the decision to sleep. I've been going to bed later and later, and I know that when I get like this, I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up. I know, it's irrational, and I'm familiar with the effects of habitat and alcohol on mood. I've been doing this too long to NOT know. But it creeps up on you, and when you finally look up and see what a hole you've dug yourself into, it just seems too daunting and you just sink deeper.
I AM trying. And I don't drink soda. I think it's the food that's been getting to me. It's one of the few pleasures left to me, and so I let myself overindulge.
Hun, I've been there and, unfortunately, experienced that. I'm only a phone call (or text) away, since I gave you my number a while ago. I don't care about the time of day, or night either, irregardless of whether or not you're a blubbering mess.
Don't drink when you're depressed. That just makes things feel a lot worse. Yes... I can speak from experience on that.
If you need me for anything, I'll be here. *keeps holding close*
I've lost my parents and a brother (pasted away a week before Easter this year) in the last 3 years and my other siblings are out of state.
I live in an empty (not too rub it in) 4 bedroom house that I have to move out of next year...
It's not fun being alone, depressed and having no friends or companions...and there are times I do want too cry.
Your not alone...
I spent years laying about in depression and such, so I have the motivation to never go back, and to try and encourage others as well. I'm still not in a great place, but it's better than being at the bottom of the hole.
It also sounds like you want someone. But, you have to remember that you have to take care of number one before you can take care of anyone else. It sucks, it's down right painful but, it's impossible to get what you want most unless you're in a good spot.
Just remember, we're all pulling for ya.
Other than that, I try to manage the clutter. And if I get a sudden urge to clean, I cancel all plans (other than work of course) and do it.
Mainly, though, I do have hope for you as you are aware of the problems, aware of the impact they have on you. That's already better than many others coping with depression. Also, the feeling of loneliness is always magnified at this time of year with all the non-subtle and non-stop barrage of "Family! Friends! Togertherness at the holidays! And if you don't have it, what's wrong with you!" messages bombarded everywhere. Working on holidays should not be a stigma, it's what you do. And as you said, it gives you a real future, as you mentioned before. Hold on to that, despite the blackness currently around. Hold onto us, if you can. We want to help carry you through this and other similar moments, as there will be, as there have been before, and you went through them too.
We are here, we are listening. Continue talking, please, in whatever form.
For what my company is worth, if it would make you feel better I'd be glad to hang out with you for a while someday if I'm up around Chicago or if you're a couple of hours downstate.
I would say to make that your goal, I'm sure there are people who can help you get out of chicago.
You won't be alone much longer, my pet.
It starts off with random depression, progresses to Fuck Not Given to everything in life, and it all kinda snowballs down from there. Hyperbole And A Half did a pretty good spread on it at one point.
If you ever want to vent or just chat or whatever, I can send you infoz. If you need anything that I can help with, please let me know. Because sometimes the difference between an even darker place and a somewhat less dark place is knowing that someone, somewhere, gives a damn about you.
The place I was working at the time decided to make themselves new "trees" one year, so instead of throwing it away, they gave me one of their old ones. I still have it, although I don't really have anywhere to put it. It's made out of coat hangers, about a h=foot in diameter and a foot and a half tall. It's beside my screen now on top of a pile of papers that I never tot around to filing because I'm out of folders. (I have a mini-hanging folder doohickus that's saving more space than it's taking up.) But like celebrating "The Holidays," it's really more gesture than anything.
I got a smaller tree from Dollarama, but I haven't gotten around to trimming it yet. I think it'll fit in a shoe box, it would be perfect for your place! Bit late now, though.
Pity about that re-gifting business, but at least it was a mistake, not on purpose. Whoever eventually got your art is lucky to have an original K'Sharra! I just hope it wasn't *cough* inappropriate...
You know, it might be true that Christmas is pretty superficial without its religious context. Even so, us non-believers have made a pretty good thing out it putting Christmas into its own context. It's about giving and caring about others, acknowledging and remembering the people you love. And as you say, if you don't have them close and don't have the emotional energy to at least help others in need, it's as pointless as a Boxing Week sale.
"There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say," returned [Scrooge's nephew:] "Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come around -- apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that -- as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, Uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"
Hang in there, continue surviving, and endure. It may take a little while, but things will improve: you will have more time at some point; you will have the option of changing your schedule; you will be able to move into a place with more space; you will be able to spend more face time with your friends, wherever they are.
Be safe. Stay Focused. Hang in there.
And I know you this already, but it'll pass. You're going to meet the right people and have fun again.
Cheers, and best of luck getting over this.