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Devastation/Reconciliation
11 years ago
WARNING: Four paragraphs of depression-venting, followed by two paragraphs of references to faith.
Summary: I'm poor, life sucks, I haven't given up hope, and my birthday's next week.
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It's been over a year and a half now. I still haven't found a real, stable, wage-paying job. I tried real estate for a while, but it turned into a money sink and I wasn't very good at it. I tried temp agencies, but they never had any jobs for me. I tried networking, but I just don't know that many people and I'm naturally introverted--another reason why real estate probably wasn't such a hot idea. But right no, I just need something, anything.
This has taken a heavy toll on my mind. When companies take the time to formally reject me, that's one thing... but waiting, not knowing, sending resumes out into the void, that's soul-crushing. Not even McDonald's would hire me. I spent most of last year living off of welfare checks and doing everything I could not to end up on the street; believe me, there were some very close calls. I got arrested once due to a stupid little fight, and that left a bloody red mark on my record; it stung because I had always prided myself on being a "good boy" and doing the right thing. I eventually had to leave my apartment and move back in with my father. That was exceptionally humiliating, as that and the unemployment checks mean that I'm a burden on my family and on society as a whole. This is one of my worst fears, and it's haunting me every day of my life.
My entire way of life has been disrupted. I loved buying gifts for people, but with no money of my own I certainly can't afford it. Not being able to commission artists is painful as well, and I have poor luck with free-art giveaways. I don't exactly clip coupons or pinch pennies, but I don't buy much of anything for myself anymore--just food, bills, and paying down debt when I can. I haven't bought new clothes, except for socks, in well over a year.
Things are looking very grim... and to make it worse, next Sunday is my birthday. I'll be 29. It feels like I'm rushing toward a deadline that I cannot meet. I've never had a very big birthday party, and I don't get very many gifts nowadays. Most of the time it's just practical stuff. This year... I'd like art, but I'm not all that popular and I haven't gotten anything from anyone before. But most of all, I just want the suffering to be over. I want to get a job, because I do have an excellent work ethic when I HAVE work. I want to get out of debt, to pay people back for their charity, to use my money to help others as much as I can. I want to be independent, to get my life back on track. I want to have reason to be optimistic again, to reignite my love for helping others. I want that part of me back.
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But I suppose I'm here for a reason. For a long time, I was treading water, just barely keeping my head afloat. But from here I'm able to see what it's like, what people go through. I can look back at who I was, who I had become, and what my values were. I've come to realize that I was heartless and insensitive. I used to take a "devil's advocate" stance on a number of issues, but for some reason those stances stuck and I started to believe in them. Now I can see those ideas for what they are. Regrettably, my spiritual life has become stagnant, but politically I've gravitated toward the center.
I'm certainly not very happy nowadays, but I think I've become a bit stronger. My life has taken a long, stressful detour through hell... and I'm not dead yet. My worst fears are becoming a harsh, bitter reality... and they haven't destroyed me yet. Most of life's comforts have been stripped from me, my resources are low, and most of my defense mechanisms have been rendered useless. But I can still laugh, smile, create, and believe. As life breaks me down and tears things off of me, I'm being reduced to a purer form of self, a distilled, super-saturated "me". Even now, I'm being tested in the fires that purify and produce gold. A part of me is even beginning to wonder if I'm capable of transcending this silly little thing called life.
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Again, I'd really love some art for my birthday... but aside from that, please just send me your prayers. Or, if you're not the praying-sort, just well-wishes and encouragement should do.
Summary: I'm poor, life sucks, I haven't given up hope, and my birthday's next week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been over a year and a half now. I still haven't found a real, stable, wage-paying job. I tried real estate for a while, but it turned into a money sink and I wasn't very good at it. I tried temp agencies, but they never had any jobs for me. I tried networking, but I just don't know that many people and I'm naturally introverted--another reason why real estate probably wasn't such a hot idea. But right no, I just need something, anything.
This has taken a heavy toll on my mind. When companies take the time to formally reject me, that's one thing... but waiting, not knowing, sending resumes out into the void, that's soul-crushing. Not even McDonald's would hire me. I spent most of last year living off of welfare checks and doing everything I could not to end up on the street; believe me, there were some very close calls. I got arrested once due to a stupid little fight, and that left a bloody red mark on my record; it stung because I had always prided myself on being a "good boy" and doing the right thing. I eventually had to leave my apartment and move back in with my father. That was exceptionally humiliating, as that and the unemployment checks mean that I'm a burden on my family and on society as a whole. This is one of my worst fears, and it's haunting me every day of my life.
My entire way of life has been disrupted. I loved buying gifts for people, but with no money of my own I certainly can't afford it. Not being able to commission artists is painful as well, and I have poor luck with free-art giveaways. I don't exactly clip coupons or pinch pennies, but I don't buy much of anything for myself anymore--just food, bills, and paying down debt when I can. I haven't bought new clothes, except for socks, in well over a year.
Things are looking very grim... and to make it worse, next Sunday is my birthday. I'll be 29. It feels like I'm rushing toward a deadline that I cannot meet. I've never had a very big birthday party, and I don't get very many gifts nowadays. Most of the time it's just practical stuff. This year... I'd like art, but I'm not all that popular and I haven't gotten anything from anyone before. But most of all, I just want the suffering to be over. I want to get a job, because I do have an excellent work ethic when I HAVE work. I want to get out of debt, to pay people back for their charity, to use my money to help others as much as I can. I want to be independent, to get my life back on track. I want to have reason to be optimistic again, to reignite my love for helping others. I want that part of me back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But I suppose I'm here for a reason. For a long time, I was treading water, just barely keeping my head afloat. But from here I'm able to see what it's like, what people go through. I can look back at who I was, who I had become, and what my values were. I've come to realize that I was heartless and insensitive. I used to take a "devil's advocate" stance on a number of issues, but for some reason those stances stuck and I started to believe in them. Now I can see those ideas for what they are. Regrettably, my spiritual life has become stagnant, but politically I've gravitated toward the center.
I'm certainly not very happy nowadays, but I think I've become a bit stronger. My life has taken a long, stressful detour through hell... and I'm not dead yet. My worst fears are becoming a harsh, bitter reality... and they haven't destroyed me yet. Most of life's comforts have been stripped from me, my resources are low, and most of my defense mechanisms have been rendered useless. But I can still laugh, smile, create, and believe. As life breaks me down and tears things off of me, I'm being reduced to a purer form of self, a distilled, super-saturated "me". Even now, I'm being tested in the fires that purify and produce gold. A part of me is even beginning to wonder if I'm capable of transcending this silly little thing called life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Again, I'd really love some art for my birthday... but aside from that, please just send me your prayers. Or, if you're not the praying-sort, just well-wishes and encouragement should do.
it sucks to hear things havent turned yet for you but im still hoping.