I should add that some of those I hurt and betryed will see this. For them I say this. Do not feel bad for me. Do not pitty me. This is my burden to carry. Not yours.

I must ask you this, can anyone here truly say they haven't themselves made mistakes? Haven't made mistakes that they regret to this day? That they could wish they re-do? Because I can tell you that I have had my fair share of mistakes.

When I was 16, I normally bragged to my siblings and friends about how great I was academically and often showed off my awards to them. But then my performance at school work had begun to decline (I mean from an average of A- to a D- within a three month period), I had grossly underestimated the difficultly of the next level's work and because of that I spent most of time not studying and doing not essential stuff (while saying to myself that I will do the work tomorrow, funny how tomorrow never came). So when my tests started to appear and assignments become due, I then would finally start on the work (knowing I only hours to complete month long assignments) just to stare at this weird language written on my work, demanding me to do things I couldn't comprehend. I was too stubborn to ask for help, as that would destroy my identity as a genius (I seriously thought that) but yet the only thing I could do was to continually stare at that sheet of paper, until that due date strucked and all I could do was hand in a paper that only had my name in the upper-right corner. I would often cry over this, knowing I had just lost my only talent.

This continued on for the rest of the year, what were once A's were replaced by F's, I didn't tell my parents, siblings or friends about my situation, I acted like everything was fine. This continued until, my mum had been cleaning up in my room when she found one of my marked tests, 1/20 highlighted in red ink at the top of page. She continued to scan around for more of my marked work, all with the same direr results. Her reaction of all that was soul-destroying, she didn't say anything to me, she just went to her room, crying. It was that moment I considered myself one thing and one thing only, worthless, no more worthy that the muck under a shoe.

I really didn't speak to anyone for about six months afterwards, knowing I wasn't worth the time or effort. I was actually suicidal at that point, I figured what was the point of living, I have no good quailites (and it didn't help that I was still trying to figure out my DL side of things) and was nothing more than a waste of space, I had considered at least two methods to proceed with the task. It wasn't until the end of the six months that I was presented a choice, I could either be worthless and try numerous forms of suicides until one day I succeed or I could think about what things I do have and try to make something good from it, I fortunately chose the latter (a choice I am forever graceful for).

I decided to attend another school (much better one) and got help with my work, which I finally managed to get up to a healthy grade average and now I am attending my first year of university to complete a degree.

And now I live under the purpose that as long I have the ability to make people happy, I am worthy to continue living.


This mistake still haunts me, knowing about my past arrogants and how well I screwed up. But my piece of advice is this;

don't dwell on the past, if you have said sorry then there is nothing more you can do for them, what is done is done.

Think about how you can improve, be honest, do you have the ability to make people happy? If you said no, your a liar. As long as you can speak or write or gesture or produce any kind of emotion then you have the potential to make someone happy (which is a great goal to have).

And remember, you can decide that today is the first day of your new life, a better one.

This will sound odd. I know that but still. I have already gone through one life. A life as a wolf. I can recall past memories from it. My life was better then. Now in this. my second chance. It is dreadfull. My body is broken, or begining to break. I have no job. All I do is stay home and play Xbox. I have no friends in life. Just those on Xbox that il probably never meet. out of 46 friends iv met 1. I don't show emotion. I bury it because it brings back painful moments. Iv tried living my life to its fullest and all it seems to do is get my dead ends and brick walls.

Before you ask. This is how im "Broken"
* Ecto dermal displasia. In short: The reduced ability to sweat. With other effects from fingure strength and growth to bad teeth and other things
* My knees are shot. They dont hold my weight and give out on me.
* my eye sight and hearing is really bad. I cant read those big green road signs untill im a car length away. I have impacted ear wax in both ears that requires surgery to remove. Im prettey much deaf.
* My back is shot from a year of logging with my dad.
* i might have carpol tunnel.

So yeah. my life is pretty much dead.

Truth be told, I don't have any disabilities which means I can't relate to it feels. And being a Christian means I can't relate to your prior life's memories.

Though let me tell you this, you said you remember life as a wolf and it was better then than now because your body is broken. But look at the faithful dog (which to a degree a wolf as well), I remember reading about dogs that have gone blind, deaf and lost a leg and forever bonded into a wheelchair, and whats the first thing on his when ever he wakes up in the morning? To go check on his owner so they can go play together, completely ignoring the fact that he is disabled and crippled. All that dog wants is to enjoy life to the fullest.

You say that your life is dead, but what is the definition of death? The death of the soul? Well, my definition of death is that when you no longer have a conscious of right and wrong, you still have regret for any negative impacts you had on people and you apologised for it, that clearly shows you have a conscious and therefore not dead (think about all the murderers and rapists who get imprisoned every year for their crimes, and most of them have no regret for what they've done, they are the ones truly dead).

You say you have no friends, well the same could be implied to me, and it much worse compared to you. I truly struggle to make friends, I fear every time I talk or post some a comment, review or personal message to anyone regardless of how much I know them or how many times I done so (including you) that I will get a backlash, hatred fulled comment stating how dare you talk to me, about how inappropriate my message was and that I should just jump off a cliff and leave them alone with their friends in peace. And this is a fear that I will likely never be able to shake off, it is something I have to accept about myself.

The last thing I will say is this, you consider yourself worthless but thats not the case, I get great joy from seeing any comments I receive you (one of the highlights of my day) knowing that you put the time and effort to write something that had some relation to me that wasn't negative, so thank you for that. I know your depressed, and I hope that you find yourself without any negative consequences. I know your capable of doing so.

So I end this comment by offering you a cuddle, cuddle

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. it means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” - Unknown

I fail. Check bottom msg for reaply ^^;

*Cuddles back*

Its just really hard going through this life. Being born with a semi rare birth defect. Being bullied through out my life. (Till I fought back) My parrents splitting up. Stayed with my irl father for 4 years. That was stressful to say the least. moved to WA stae to be with a girl. That ended badly. Back in NY state and im doing better. But not by much.

I do thank you for the time you take to reaply. It does mean a lot to me. Maybe in the next few months things will get better. Guess I should be opptinistic. (Bad spelling) But we will have to wait and see. :)

hehe, I can't spell optimintic either (I am not bright for a Border Collie). But anyway I have my fingers crossed that it will get better for you.

We all have our spelling fails. Some times they can be quite entertaining. My paws are crossed aswell :)

optimntisc... opetmistic... optmintisc.... Oh forget it, I give up.

lol