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A topic thats something close to me, Suicide.
5 years ago
With the recent suicide over someoen that I didnt know in the furry fandom, iv seen alot of those that were close to them commenting how they wish they were her for them more, and even some cotemplaing taking there own life because of various reasons. And as someone that was mere momens from pulling the trigger, and blowing my brains out, but didnt. I feel responsible to help try and prevent this from happeing to someone else.
When I was young, mid teens, My parents that were never married started to argue and fight alot. Complicate that with a school that gave no shoits about me or my problems and you can see why I walked down a dark path. Eventually they did split up. Me, my mom, and my older half brother stayed with mom. My dad moved to ohio. After a year I moved in with my dad. I was tired of school, tired of my mom doing weed (At the time I was very anti drug of any kind) and I just hated my life. For the first couple years life was good. i wasthe last 2-3 years that wernt. My granpa moved in, and he was a hard man, did everything his way. I hated him. It was at this point we had several fireams in the house including one of my own. I was in a xbox live party chat when some people were arguing and I just couldnt take it anymore.
So I grabbed my gun, loaded a magazine, locked the slide and loaded a round, and pressed it to the side of my head. I hen told the people what I was planning to do, they spent the next 5 minues talking me out of it. If it wasnt for them id either be dead, or a vegtable. Ever since that day I have remand depressed and had thoughts of commiting suicide. But I never did, never even hought of attemptping it again. The memory of holding a gun to my own head has stayed with me, and is clear as day. It haunts, it scares me, and its not something I ever wish to repeat. I never told my father this. The only ones tha know are my closest friends, my mother, and my brother. Something thats sticks out is that my father told me that suicide is never worth it. It doesnt make the pain go away, it just moves it to someone else. My family and friends would have been devistated if I killed myself. What effects would my death have caused? Suffering for my mother? Hate on my father for letting it happen? Grief and saddnes to everyone? Surely a hell of a lot more then I was feeling.
Its these very things that make me wish I could help those deeling with the death of this person that commited suicide. hey blame themselves, and have even gone to hurt themselves over it. I know how the feeel as Iv been there. I just lost my dad to hypotherima in January. I know what is like o wish to have been their for them. I wish every day hat my dad was still alive. I have a friend that misses someone that was close to them. They also commited suicide and my friend has never been the same. I wish I could help him, but i dont know how. I wcan never nor would I ever be able to replace he person they loved.
This is why im making this journol. Theres no sugar coating this. So im sorry if this epsets anyone that reads this. You canno go blaming your self for the actions that others take opon themselves. Do not blame yourself for somone commiting suicide. Their are tools that those suffering can use to possably help them, you have a life of your own, you cant possably be where someone needs you all the time. Its just not possable. And even if you are, rying to fight the never ending thoughts that drive you to do this ac is not something that can be easily won. These thoughts drive you, they control you. They make you believe that suicide is the only answer, the only way to make he pain and suffering your tired of enduring stop. But the truth is, Thats all a lie. The pain doesnt stop, the suffering doesnt. stop. You might not feel it anymore, but those that were close to you, those that loved you. They will feel that pain forever, And tht pain can possably do to them, what it did to you. Dont let that happen. You have a choice, face your demons, fight back, and say no. Or let it consume you, and watch as the pain spreads even further. I know what pth im choosing, and iv walked it for 10-12 years of my life. Dont let it happen to you. Dont blame yourself, there is no-one to blame.
On the topic of blame, dont hur yourself over this either. Be it a suicide attempt or because it makes you feel human, or be it some kind of recompence. Dont go down that road. it will mess you up jaust as much as suicide will.
Just know this, you are not alone, their is help if you look for it, there are friends that will do everything the can to help you, But you have o remeber that YOU are the one that can truely help yourself. YOU are your own rock. Nothing can brake you if YOU stay strong. So please, I urge anyone that reads this. Please. Dont do something stpid that you might not live to regret. Please, I beg you. TAlK to someone, anyone. dont go to the extreame. Dont let pain and suffering be the deciding factor. Its going to be a long, hard road. It will not be easy, but you must perciver. If not for yoursef, then for hose you care about, for those that look up to you.
Dont spread the pain, improve yourself to make the pain go away. Bethere for each other, never think your alone. Because your not. here are others hat care about you, no matter what you might think.
When I was young, mid teens, My parents that were never married started to argue and fight alot. Complicate that with a school that gave no shoits about me or my problems and you can see why I walked down a dark path. Eventually they did split up. Me, my mom, and my older half brother stayed with mom. My dad moved to ohio. After a year I moved in with my dad. I was tired of school, tired of my mom doing weed (At the time I was very anti drug of any kind) and I just hated my life. For the first couple years life was good. i wasthe last 2-3 years that wernt. My granpa moved in, and he was a hard man, did everything his way. I hated him. It was at this point we had several fireams in the house including one of my own. I was in a xbox live party chat when some people were arguing and I just couldnt take it anymore.
So I grabbed my gun, loaded a magazine, locked the slide and loaded a round, and pressed it to the side of my head. I hen told the people what I was planning to do, they spent the next 5 minues talking me out of it. If it wasnt for them id either be dead, or a vegtable. Ever since that day I have remand depressed and had thoughts of commiting suicide. But I never did, never even hought of attemptping it again. The memory of holding a gun to my own head has stayed with me, and is clear as day. It haunts, it scares me, and its not something I ever wish to repeat. I never told my father this. The only ones tha know are my closest friends, my mother, and my brother. Something thats sticks out is that my father told me that suicide is never worth it. It doesnt make the pain go away, it just moves it to someone else. My family and friends would have been devistated if I killed myself. What effects would my death have caused? Suffering for my mother? Hate on my father for letting it happen? Grief and saddnes to everyone? Surely a hell of a lot more then I was feeling.
Its these very things that make me wish I could help those deeling with the death of this person that commited suicide. hey blame themselves, and have even gone to hurt themselves over it. I know how the feeel as Iv been there. I just lost my dad to hypotherima in January. I know what is like o wish to have been their for them. I wish every day hat my dad was still alive. I have a friend that misses someone that was close to them. They also commited suicide and my friend has never been the same. I wish I could help him, but i dont know how. I wcan never nor would I ever be able to replace he person they loved.
This is why im making this journol. Theres no sugar coating this. So im sorry if this epsets anyone that reads this. You canno go blaming your self for the actions that others take opon themselves. Do not blame yourself for somone commiting suicide. Their are tools that those suffering can use to possably help them, you have a life of your own, you cant possably be where someone needs you all the time. Its just not possable. And even if you are, rying to fight the never ending thoughts that drive you to do this ac is not something that can be easily won. These thoughts drive you, they control you. They make you believe that suicide is the only answer, the only way to make he pain and suffering your tired of enduring stop. But the truth is, Thats all a lie. The pain doesnt stop, the suffering doesnt. stop. You might not feel it anymore, but those that were close to you, those that loved you. They will feel that pain forever, And tht pain can possably do to them, what it did to you. Dont let that happen. You have a choice, face your demons, fight back, and say no. Or let it consume you, and watch as the pain spreads even further. I know what pth im choosing, and iv walked it for 10-12 years of my life. Dont let it happen to you. Dont blame yourself, there is no-one to blame.
On the topic of blame, dont hur yourself over this either. Be it a suicide attempt or because it makes you feel human, or be it some kind of recompence. Dont go down that road. it will mess you up jaust as much as suicide will.
Just know this, you are not alone, their is help if you look for it, there are friends that will do everything the can to help you, But you have o remeber that YOU are the one that can truely help yourself. YOU are your own rock. Nothing can brake you if YOU stay strong. So please, I urge anyone that reads this. Please. Dont do something stpid that you might not live to regret. Please, I beg you. TAlK to someone, anyone. dont go to the extreame. Dont let pain and suffering be the deciding factor. Its going to be a long, hard road. It will not be easy, but you must perciver. If not for yoursef, then for hose you care about, for those that look up to you.
Dont spread the pain, improve yourself to make the pain go away. Bethere for each other, never think your alone. Because your not. here are others hat care about you, no matter what you might think.
