I have shut myself off from showing a lot of my emotions right now.
It isn't that I don't feel them, it's that if i show them, it makes it worse with my group of friends.
It isn't that I don't care, don't love someone, that I'm not hurt or angry or upset, but if I show I am upset,
if I let on, I make the situation worse.
I feel like I keep failing people.
I can't be there when they need me. But how can I be?
I'm 150 miles away from my home town where all my major friends are.
I'm falling apart with stress.

Recently my boyfriend Lancyth came to see me. I was delighted beyond belief.
He got to see THON for the first time (a huge event at Penn State to benefit kids with cancer), which is big for me.
He came to campus with me and walked me to class. He got to enjoy a few days with me.
He wasn't here for one day before I was crying in his arms.
Am I awful to him for crying to him the first time I have seen him since January?
I think I am the worst thing on earth for him. I beg him to do better than me every day.
But I thank God and anything else involved that I have him in my life, because no one else is there for me like him.
He is the only one who has always, ALWAYS, been behind me. Through my mistakes (which are huge),
my school taking me away, my family issues, my anxiety issues, my need for attention, he is there.
So when he was here, I cried to him. I hid in his arms and cried because I had no one else.
And I cried over school stressing me out, and my friends being so far away, and the fact I was happy he was here.
I cried that I wasn't over past loves. I cried over a friend going through something I can't help him with.
I cried over missing people. I just cried and cried.
And he was there for me.
I am lucky to have him but I am so sad that he has to carry me so much but I feel like I cant trust anyone
like I trust him. (Not that I don't have people I vent to but none like him)
I've lied, I've cheated, I've pushed, I've ran. I am tired, just tired.
But every day, I wake up and I try to be there for everyone and try to show everyone I care.

So forgive me if I seem like a zombie sometimes.
I am pretty dense lately but it's a wall to keep myself shut off from people, because lately, when I finally
open up, I lose the person i opened up to, or it causes another fight, or I am ignored completely.
So this is just how I am dealing. I show people I care, but I don't talk about my problems to them anymore.
I don't plan on leaving anyone but especially people on here, I just don't look at the site every day,
I don't check my phone all the time, I don't check facebook all the time.
But msg me somewhere, and eventually, I will get back to you.
Give me up to a day though. if it is an emergency, call me, Don't have my number? Ask for it.
Actually, calling in general is best for me because my wording is poor as shit and will not sound nice sometimes.
I hate texting and msges for that reason.
It takes me hours to have one conversation, that ends in an argument, that only need to be 10 minutes.

Ok, my "rant is over" I know only like 3 people will read this so I don't know what I even bother.
I try.