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I doubt many will read this
11 years ago
…but I feel I have to get it off my chest regardless.
I'm 25 years old, I don't have any education beyond high school and I work a job I despise just to survive with a little bit of comfort. I live with my parents because I can't afford to be on my own. I suffer from severe, crippling depression that I have not sought help for(more on that later). My life is a complete wreck, I have no sense of self-worth whatsoever and I have spent the good part of the past 5-7 years battling with a desire to take my own life every single day.
That is in part why I'm writing this journal, in the event that I finally break and end my own life, at least there will be some sort of record left behind so people know why.
I haven't been without hope, I had for a short time attended college as a theoretical physics major. I dropped out due to complications at home but I maintained that one day I would go back. Working in the space industry has always been a dream of mine. A couple years later I was accepted into a private flight school. Another passion of mine is commercial flight so I was pretty ecstatic at a chance to turn my life around. Had to drop out of there as well, my student loans/grants didn't cover the tuition and I had no chance of making up the difference on my own.
I have many times considered going into therapy/psychiatric care. However I am hesitant to do so as I could ruin my life just as easily as it could help it. The stain of mental illness is one that never goes away. It affects your every day life, career opportunities and even friendships. I'm terrified that even if I recover that I'll never be viewed the same again. People will still look at me as that crazy guy my entire life. Every job I apply for will see it on my medical history. It's permanent and it leads people to mistrust and avoid you.
At this point in my life I can barely do anything. It's hard enough to get up and go to work every day. I've basically given up showering and all attempts at grooming myself. I just can't find the motivation. Even doing things I used to enjoy has become a chore. I just sleep, go to work, sleep, repeat.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped this way and I have no one to talk to. I've tried suicide hotlines but I just can't make the words come out. I can only talk about my problems online for some reason I can't explain. In person I just lock up and refuse to speak. It's so frustrating.
If you read this than thank you, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do but I just want every one to know that I appreciate you all. I really do.
I'm 25 years old, I don't have any education beyond high school and I work a job I despise just to survive with a little bit of comfort. I live with my parents because I can't afford to be on my own. I suffer from severe, crippling depression that I have not sought help for(more on that later). My life is a complete wreck, I have no sense of self-worth whatsoever and I have spent the good part of the past 5-7 years battling with a desire to take my own life every single day.
That is in part why I'm writing this journal, in the event that I finally break and end my own life, at least there will be some sort of record left behind so people know why.
I haven't been without hope, I had for a short time attended college as a theoretical physics major. I dropped out due to complications at home but I maintained that one day I would go back. Working in the space industry has always been a dream of mine. A couple years later I was accepted into a private flight school. Another passion of mine is commercial flight so I was pretty ecstatic at a chance to turn my life around. Had to drop out of there as well, my student loans/grants didn't cover the tuition and I had no chance of making up the difference on my own.
I have many times considered going into therapy/psychiatric care. However I am hesitant to do so as I could ruin my life just as easily as it could help it. The stain of mental illness is one that never goes away. It affects your every day life, career opportunities and even friendships. I'm terrified that even if I recover that I'll never be viewed the same again. People will still look at me as that crazy guy my entire life. Every job I apply for will see it on my medical history. It's permanent and it leads people to mistrust and avoid you.
At this point in my life I can barely do anything. It's hard enough to get up and go to work every day. I've basically given up showering and all attempts at grooming myself. I just can't find the motivation. Even doing things I used to enjoy has become a chore. I just sleep, go to work, sleep, repeat.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped this way and I have no one to talk to. I've tried suicide hotlines but I just can't make the words come out. I can only talk about my problems online for some reason I can't explain. In person I just lock up and refuse to speak. It's so frustrating.
If you read this than thank you, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do but I just want every one to know that I appreciate you all. I really do.
If you ever need an ear, you've got one here.
Be strong
I am really sorry for what you are going through and I wish I can help out at anyway I can. All I can do is hope for you and hope you'll get yourself back up and get out of the rut you are in. Be well, dude.
You may need to go on medications....
As for my advice, that is a bit more complicated. I suffered with depression when I was very young. I was publicly hated in my middle school, went through 5 social therapy classes, and all they got me was a steaming bitterness towards humanity. Then, when I was contemplating ending it, my mother was kind enough to notice and take me to a psychiatrist. Within a month I was able get strait A's in school. Turns out, what I had was 7$ a month in meds to cure. Damn, I wish I started earlier.
It won't go away overnight, but once you actually start fixing the problem, the energy you get will feed back into you and you will be able to figure out how to proceed. You just need to take that leap of faith.
As to the "stain of mental illness", well it's actually bullshit. Something like 60% of americans have some sort of mential illness, and if you don't want people to know than you just don't tell them. You can sue the ass off of anyone who tells without your permission.
it sucks living with your parents. its too bad our economies arent better built for moving out. i was homeless for a while and couhc surfing for even longer because i couldnt live at home, but even working full time at a little above minimum wage i couldnt afford a place.
i ope things look up for you. get help where you can.
I urge you to seek that help, hun. It won't "stain" your record at all. It doesn't work that way. They can't look at your medical records without your permission. Its illegal.
If you need to talk about anything, or vent, or need a shoulder... anything, hun, you have my information. *Squeezes tight*
Mental illness is exactly what it says: an illness. Your brain isn't producing the chemicals it's supposed to; part of your body isn't working the way it should. If you broke your arm or started coughing up blood, you wouldn't worry about what people thought, you'd go see a doctor and get treatment. The fact that it's your brain, not your arm or lungs or whatever, shouldn't change that reaction. Please don't let fear of a stigma (as others have said, it's confidential information, people won't even know unless you tell them) stop you from getting help.