I'm long over due for questioning my own morality. I turned in a wallet I found in the parking lot today at work. It was full of cash and I easily could have taken it and no one would have been the wiser. The exact amount is unknown to me but security at work is weak and the consequences were avoidable. Normally I should be filled with the satisfaction of doing a good deed and connecting with another person and understanding what it must be like to have lost something so valuable, but those thoughts weren't on my mind. What was: "Is anybody looking at me? Did anyone see me pick this up? Would I be caught? These were the thoughts and scenarios plowing my brain and my only real concerns.

The second problem arises when I end up running into the person in question who returned asking about their wallet. I told them I turned it, as any model citizen should have. When she returned with it in tow she offered me $40 for my trouble which I declined. If my intentions and thought processes were as selfish as they were when I found it, why would I turn down an honestly earned reward? What stayed my metaphorical hand that I not take credit for my less than willing act of kindness. I forced myself to do the "right thing" by society's standards and refused to be recognized for it. It doesn't add up, unless you consider my pride but why then would I be concerned enough to need to manifest my thoughts in a form where they will be ignored or I'll get a lame reply talking about how I'm secretly a goodie two shoes who doesn't want anyone to know I attempt to do the right thing. I do attempt, but nothing is more important than what I want and what makes me happy. I'm selfish at heart and my occasional kindness is only ever for the shock factor or because I have something greater to gain. This isn't a shell or a cover it's a reality and as such is the source of my overall confusion.