Some of you may have wondered, where is the chow? Then again, others would not even have that thought surface in their minds, no matter. I found myself at the crux of the new year pondering stuff, so much so that I dared once more to take a trip into my often tortured mind, more or less like shock treatment of the soul to see how I would tick in the new year. I dropped everything, the art, the replying to journals which are piling up to take this little mental vacation, or so it seemed.

As usual, the gate keeper, a faceless entity, devoid of any features which would either give it human or anthro distinction, as well as sex pointed the way to that dusty old door. I've gone this path many times and for a brief second, I felt that fear of the unknown, but it faded when I knew what I had to face on the other side. This was a journey I had to make a alone so I left the chow at the door, his wizened face grew worried because I seldom faced difficulties without him, but this time I had to go alone, for his sake for he would not survive the trip without suffering some kind of damage.

I summoned a bit of false bravery as I walked down the dusty path, seeing on either sides the many highs and lows of my life. The same old story, the same old song playing over and over again, of loves rejected, of friendships torn apart due to mistrust, of difficulties with family, the list went on like a parade in front of me, but still I moved forward, I've had shed emotions for these before and like the economy, they tanked, the only thing to do is save it for a rainy day. This time, this journey had a slightly different feel. As if something was following me, in the distance unseen.
At first I thought it was the chow, following me, to see if I was ok, but no, this was something different yet familiar.

I was treated to the same old scenes, but something was missing. I stopped and thought about it, I saw the present, I saw part of the past, and the uncertain future that was generated by my many fears and misgivings. "You have not forgotten me." the voice said, somewhere in the mists of my mind. So familiar, so soft. "You only let me to to run free in the forgotten regions of your mind, to save me from the harshness of the real world, but I could not stray far." Again, I thought of the chow, but knew it was not him. One step forward I tried to make, expecting to step on an emotional land mine, yet my foot stopped. Below it was something from my early childhood, a foam cut-out of a deer.

"I was your first, long before there were any others. We played together in the fields of your fantasy, you running to try to catch up to me while I slowed down just enough for you to keep up." I picked up the foam toy and glanced at it, wondering why the emotions I felt were joyful, yet painful. The voice became more clear now, a female voice, yet different than any I have heard in my waking life. "Back then, we were together, your little secret that you shared with no one because you felt no one would understand. We slept together, ate together even though I was hidden from view." I tried to speak but I could not find my voice. The female voice knew this and comforted me, coaxing me to walk forward without fear.

"Our togetherness began to fade when we took that trip to Florida, the assault you faced by those boys, it ended with them ripping my physical form apart, and with you being....." I stopped her, it was one memory I did not want to be replayed. In front of me I saw her ripped form fade. "My presence in the real world was destroyed, but my spirit continued to live on within you. As you grew, so did I. When your thoughts towards me began to evolve to a more intimate state, I was happy, yet you grew scared and gently pushed me away." I nodded in agreement and felt shame and fear.

A few steps further placed me into the here and now, a struggling artist and writer with all the angst and fears that comes with the title. "Your memories of me faded, but I was still there, I visited you in your dreams but my form was undefined, a wisp. When you first started writing, I saw myself there, still undefined until you wrote that one story." I felt arms around me, strong yet firm and loving. "You honored me when you wrote that story and I felt myself return. Although you now have the chow, he knew of me and helped me get closer to you again, can't you feel it?"

I indeed felt it, a stirring within me. The sweet voice grew stronger in my ears, her presence more defined as she pressed up against me. "You have gone through a lot in my absence, and it totally taxed the chow to his limits, but I am here now." We walked forward, together with her behind me. I grew worried that I still could not see her face to face, yet I knew what she looked like, in my drawings, in my stories, and that glimmer of her in the art of others. "I can not guarantee that I will be able to fight off your fears, but I will always be there. I will be in the hearts and minds of your friends, old and new. I will visit you in your dreams, providing the bunnies don't get angry. When you are alone I will be that thought that will comfort you when all others have forsaken you."

My journey came to an end, for now, the chow waiting for me to take up his space by my side, glancing to my other side. I dared not look but I knew she was there.

I know this was too long to read, but heck, I had to get this off my chest to start the new year fresh. As soon as I can get myself motivated, I'll finish up on what I started, and do some new art. Again my apologizes for those who wished me well for the new year but I have not responded yet, for submissions not commented upon or faved, or anything else in general. But know that in my comments, if I seem a bit more up beat, friendly and somewhat loving, know that it's just the deer doe helping me cope with stuff.

Cheers.