I'm not really sure why, but every time I sit down and try to write this journal I come up blank. Either that or I just become incredibly frustrated and have no idea what to do or say. There's so much I desperately want to get off my chest, because I think it would make me feel better, but I don't even know where to start and, if I did, how to word it.

My brain has become this weird place where thoughts float, and problems that I used to be able to see as whole entities are now broken down into tiny ones. I used to know what courses of action were necessary to rectify those problems, but now I feel like I don't. It's sort of like all the branches on my bubble chart disappeared or broke.

What I can tell you is that I'm feeling hopeless, and that talking to anyone through the Internet right now feels impossible. Every time I try to get on Skype or say something my fingers just quit, and I close my computer. I can tell you that the plans we made to come here were useless because we can't get back home without Lucca having to push me up a lot of hills, and she just isn't strong enough for that. My body is in constant pain, by mid-day my feed and ankles look like balloons, and all I want is an adult. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost my voice, and though I can sit back and know that Lucca is suffering and can't do all this on her own, I don't even know what to say or do to get help for me.

Portland is lonely. Anytime spent without Lucca is lonely. I want whatever glue there was holding my mind together to come back, but Yaku ran away with it. There has to be someway to get real help but I don't know how to get it. I just hope that the people who need me can be okay for now because I can't be here. I can't be anywhere.

Love,
Jonathan