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Homeless.
11 years ago
General
Basically
My "mentor" is a crazy fuck.
I've been battling potential homelessness.
I haven't slept in my own bed in two weeks because I have had no bed to sleep in.
I fight with my parents all the time.
I got a car.
It immediately broke down.
I can barely afford to eat.
Met a guy, he's amazing but he's a recovering addict so I worry about him all the time, and circumstances make being with him impossible right now so. The foreveralone life continues.
Some of my persistent (read: stalkerish) ex-suitors are being persistent again so I'm nervous all the time.
My life is full of people who only want to fuck me. I don't want fucked. I want loved.
Though, there's more and more evidence that Alex broke me for good. That I'm incapable of falling in love anymore.
I haven't had a much needed face to face talk with anyone because I just have to fix everyone else's problems all the time.
So I've bottled all this up.
I'm at one of the lowest points in my life. Certainly the lowest point since I've quit cutting.
I think about relapsing way too much.
If it wasn't for Mr. Ex-addict's "no more drugs" anniversary being close to my "no more cutting" anniversary, and our subsequent promise to celebrate them together, I probably would have relapsed by now.
Fighting with the two people I rely on most, because they haven't been here despite me needing them and them knowing I need them.
Feels like I have no one.
Except him. And he might never be mine in the way I want.
I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm worn out in every sense of the word. And I'm alone. So very fucking alone.
My "mentor" is a crazy fuck.
I've been battling potential homelessness.
I haven't slept in my own bed in two weeks because I have had no bed to sleep in.
I fight with my parents all the time.
I got a car.
It immediately broke down.
I can barely afford to eat.
Met a guy, he's amazing but he's a recovering addict so I worry about him all the time, and circumstances make being with him impossible right now so. The foreveralone life continues.
Some of my persistent (read: stalkerish) ex-suitors are being persistent again so I'm nervous all the time.
My life is full of people who only want to fuck me. I don't want fucked. I want loved.
Though, there's more and more evidence that Alex broke me for good. That I'm incapable of falling in love anymore.
I haven't had a much needed face to face talk with anyone because I just have to fix everyone else's problems all the time.
So I've bottled all this up.
I'm at one of the lowest points in my life. Certainly the lowest point since I've quit cutting.
I think about relapsing way too much.
If it wasn't for Mr. Ex-addict's "no more drugs" anniversary being close to my "no more cutting" anniversary, and our subsequent promise to celebrate them together, I probably would have relapsed by now.
Fighting with the two people I rely on most, because they haven't been here despite me needing them and them knowing I need them.
Feels like I have no one.
Except him. And he might never be mine in the way I want.
I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm worn out in every sense of the word. And I'm alone. So very fucking alone.
If he's a crazy fuck, it's only a good thing that it didn't last for long. Noticing these kinds of things early on is imperative, in more ways than one. Having your mind and heart played with is... well, unfair and utterly unforgivable.
Potential homelessness? What?!?!?! Ó.Ò
Lacking a bed of your own is bollocks, but try to endure it. It's uncomfortable, but sleeping in a harder surface actually can help back pains and such.
There may be someone amongst your friends from whom you could ask help with the car.
Everyone fights with their parents. However I don't know the details so I dare not speak for you, so if you wish to share by all means Lani :)
If the current circumstances for dating are against you, why not just try wait for now, for a ''moment to strike'' if you will?
What comes to stalkerish ex-suitors and ''lemme fuck you'' kinda guys, ignore and/or kick 'em in the balls
You are and will be loved, you just wait. In the meantime, show everyone who are just after meaningless encounters how meaningless they are.
If I could I'd do face to face talks with you till I dropped dead. Alas not for now but am still available for hubbie-wifey talksies whenever you have a good moment for it. In regards of talking with people close to you, ask for support and a shoulder instead of being theirs for a change. You are a helping, comforting person by nature but it ought to be a two-way road where your feelings and worries are addressed as well.
May sound somewhat far-fetched, but have you talked about any of your worries with your parents maybe?
The mutual promise of not relapsing is a good thing Lani. And I beg of you, don't relapse. There's nothing gain in doing so.. *tight huggles*
You feel alone, I can relate to that. You're not however. There's always someone and something.. *nuzzles*