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Preoccupied
11 years ago
Sorry, I know, I have some things I really need to finish. I kept scrapping my sketches for the ConBadgeExchange amongst personal/gift art sketches because I'm just really upset lately.
I try hard to be happy. I do. I know I should be grateful for certain things in my life. I have some good friends, a possible relationship may happen, I didn't die in the car accident and I'm not mangled beyond repair.
It's just, I hurt a lot. Inside and out. Will I be alone forever? Will I find love the way I want or need it? Can a cuddle ever just be a cuddle? Can I be a big dog when it comes time to say goodbye to my furkid, who had kept me from committing suicide I have lost count how many times? When my world goes completely dark, how will I manage? I'm scared of that. Well, both.
It's easy to pretend he'd be with me forever, even when he began to gray and sleep most of the time. We walk, oh yes. My baby loves his walks! When I end up having to carry him home from the park most days it gets a little harder to pretend. He needs to talk still and he is always determined to go to the park. He refuses to turn back before we reach our little bench and watch, sometimes people, sometimes other dogs. Sometimes nothing, we just sit side by side. I know no other dog will ever have a place in my heart like you. You are the special one, I'll always love my future dogs, even your girl, but none will be the same. You helped me heal, you kept me as safe as you could, even if it meant being hurt yourself. Our long walks to escape life and reality that lead us into the deep woods, nowhere...anywhere. The times I was going to do it, I was going to leave. Then it would hit me, you'd murdered and when that threat was gone, it became more of a, who would love and take care of you the way I do?
Your love keeps you by my side, at my feet and even in my lap or just touching me at all times. My love makes me tear up when I hear you struggle to breathe and to know I can't stop the one thing against us. Time. Time, you suck. Age crept up on us, it's going to take you from me, my sweet boy. I'm happy the medicine helps you some, but for how long? I wait for you to tell me you give up, you no longer can stand it but I know, deep down you won't. You're not going to do that to me. It's all going to be up to me, to decide when time is enough. When our time should end. That just kills me inside. The vet has no real answers. What is comfortable enough? Then again, it would be cruel to make you sleep now, if you can live another year and be ok. It consumes me and at random, I cry. Sometimes hard, sometimes just silent tears.
I don't think I can be strong, or face life without you there. How can I do anything when such a large chunk of my world is crumbling away? I hate that I have to decide to lose you, I have to battle myself and choose when it's right, how to tell.
Yup, a sadsack or rainbow rottie over here. I can't really sleep, I keep worrying each night will be his last as I cuddle him against me.
I need to get back to drawing and distracting myself. I don't cry as much.
I try hard to be happy. I do. I know I should be grateful for certain things in my life. I have some good friends, a possible relationship may happen, I didn't die in the car accident and I'm not mangled beyond repair.
It's just, I hurt a lot. Inside and out. Will I be alone forever? Will I find love the way I want or need it? Can a cuddle ever just be a cuddle? Can I be a big dog when it comes time to say goodbye to my furkid, who had kept me from committing suicide I have lost count how many times? When my world goes completely dark, how will I manage? I'm scared of that. Well, both.
It's easy to pretend he'd be with me forever, even when he began to gray and sleep most of the time. We walk, oh yes. My baby loves his walks! When I end up having to carry him home from the park most days it gets a little harder to pretend. He needs to talk still and he is always determined to go to the park. He refuses to turn back before we reach our little bench and watch, sometimes people, sometimes other dogs. Sometimes nothing, we just sit side by side. I know no other dog will ever have a place in my heart like you. You are the special one, I'll always love my future dogs, even your girl, but none will be the same. You helped me heal, you kept me as safe as you could, even if it meant being hurt yourself. Our long walks to escape life and reality that lead us into the deep woods, nowhere...anywhere. The times I was going to do it, I was going to leave. Then it would hit me, you'd murdered and when that threat was gone, it became more of a, who would love and take care of you the way I do?
Your love keeps you by my side, at my feet and even in my lap or just touching me at all times. My love makes me tear up when I hear you struggle to breathe and to know I can't stop the one thing against us. Time. Time, you suck. Age crept up on us, it's going to take you from me, my sweet boy. I'm happy the medicine helps you some, but for how long? I wait for you to tell me you give up, you no longer can stand it but I know, deep down you won't. You're not going to do that to me. It's all going to be up to me, to decide when time is enough. When our time should end. That just kills me inside. The vet has no real answers. What is comfortable enough? Then again, it would be cruel to make you sleep now, if you can live another year and be ok. It consumes me and at random, I cry. Sometimes hard, sometimes just silent tears.
I don't think I can be strong, or face life without you there. How can I do anything when such a large chunk of my world is crumbling away? I hate that I have to decide to lose you, I have to battle myself and choose when it's right, how to tell.
Yup, a sadsack or rainbow rottie over here. I can't really sleep, I keep worrying each night will be his last as I cuddle him against me.
I need to get back to drawing and distracting myself. I don't cry as much.
