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10 years ago
I noticed something. It seems to be an odd pattern I would rather kill myself than fall into. Now, I understand some of us have those amazing-tastic parental units. Not all of us do. My cousins, who I grew up with and considered more sisters, have one shy, quiet and gentle yet firm parent and one physically and mentally abusive, controlling and drunken jackass parent. Yeah, he can be there when and if you need him, mostly on his terms. I love the guy and after my father was demoted the title, this man was who I consider Dad. My cousins also have a younger brother, long story short, he's also my half brother. (funny family, huh?)
Onwards! My brother-cousin falls for girls and now women like my auntie, his mum. This one he's been with two years now and may marry has her personality to a t! My female cousins both fell for and dated bad-boys that grew into men just like their dad. Both married young and realized their mistakes after years...one only to marry another like her dad and the second following suit, as soon as he gets out of jail.
My father was much like my uncle, but in my little world, I was nine the first time he abused me in a new way. After I got over thinking it was my fault and was just plain scared, he lost the title Dad. Your daddy is supposed to be the one man who never does that shit to you. As I think about mates and being alone, I'm kinda glad sex doesn't rule my world or love life like it does my family. I'd rather not have someone like my mum was, abusive because she in turn was abused...has massive trauma and flipchanges personality and can't remember real things mostly. She's a better person and now I can have the relationship I never had with her. But...meh. I sure as duck don't want someone like my uncle or father, who were the same save my uncle wasn't sexually abusive.
After enough therapy, I realize I'm not going to be like my father. I had terrible anxiety I was going to molest children too because it's a vicious cycle. Abusers were most likely abused themselves. I am not and never will be terrible like that. My fear there is now gone after...oh, ten years.
Something I'm still working on is learning to fully trust someone. I'd always think in the back of my mind, is my mate molesting our kids? Will they? A part of me is happy I can't have kids and have to adopt, another part is sadder about it. At least I know my child would never be like my father.
I wonder how many people are like my family and are attracted to people like their parents in personality? Is this really how it works? For some of us, that's pretty sad.
Onwards! My brother-cousin falls for girls and now women like my auntie, his mum. This one he's been with two years now and may marry has her personality to a t! My female cousins both fell for and dated bad-boys that grew into men just like their dad. Both married young and realized their mistakes after years...one only to marry another like her dad and the second following suit, as soon as he gets out of jail.
My father was much like my uncle, but in my little world, I was nine the first time he abused me in a new way. After I got over thinking it was my fault and was just plain scared, he lost the title Dad. Your daddy is supposed to be the one man who never does that shit to you. As I think about mates and being alone, I'm kinda glad sex doesn't rule my world or love life like it does my family. I'd rather not have someone like my mum was, abusive because she in turn was abused...has massive trauma and flipchanges personality and can't remember real things mostly. She's a better person and now I can have the relationship I never had with her. But...meh. I sure as duck don't want someone like my uncle or father, who were the same save my uncle wasn't sexually abusive.
After enough therapy, I realize I'm not going to be like my father. I had terrible anxiety I was going to molest children too because it's a vicious cycle. Abusers were most likely abused themselves. I am not and never will be terrible like that. My fear there is now gone after...oh, ten years.
Something I'm still working on is learning to fully trust someone. I'd always think in the back of my mind, is my mate molesting our kids? Will they? A part of me is happy I can't have kids and have to adopt, another part is sadder about it. At least I know my child would never be like my father.
I wonder how many people are like my family and are attracted to people like their parents in personality? Is this really how it works? For some of us, that's pretty sad.
