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Losing faith in humanity, one jumper cable at a time.
11 years ago
General
This is another one of my: "Losing faith in humanity, one person at a time" posts.
This happened a few weeks ago and I felt I just had to share it for the Lawls... This will not be in MLA format, or grammar checked, because I make up too many flarging motherpumping derpwords.
Oh yeah... Commas and Ellipsis for the win!
So was with 2 other furry fuck-sticks (I mean it as a term of endearment! You fuck-sticks know who you are and I lurve you both, but one more than the other, because penis and living in same house as me.) ^_^... Had some shitty feelgood food at a hometown buffet because AMERICA and fucking bacon and ice-cream on top of pizza rules! (you can decide if we ate it or fucked it, possibly both)...
We leave the Fatass Buffet full of food and much poop...
And see a 1969 Charger in the Best Buy parking lot....
So we had to go over and start drooling over said 1969 Charger that a guy drove every day. So of course I HAD to talk to the guy about all things Mopar and let him show off his car, because who the hell drives a car that most guys would pay $120k for, as a daily driver? That is a special guy and he had a great story to go with it... Was very satisfying and would make a great Michael J.J. Abrhams Bay directed action movie.
We all talked to him for a little over an hour and he had to take off after some weird drug baked rich white boy driving a slammed POS Mercedes with a universal body kit zip tied on, stared foaming at the mouth pretending he knew shit about anything car related when he didn't even know if his own Mercedes had a 6cylinder engine or a V8 (I mean total druggie baked stoner tool white boy with the backwards hat, sagging pants, and talking like he was some hot shit black rapper)... Though we put up with him because, 1969 Charger being driven everyday!
So the battery in the PT died because a door was open or lights were on or such, because, 1969 Charger being driven everyday! (If you know what a 'trailer queen' is, it was not one, and I hate trailer queens.) So anyway dead battery, only needed a quick jump and all would be great so we could get home and poop and or throw up... But the fuck-stick I love most "lost" his jumpers that I have told him everyone that drives should always have in their car because, reasons like fucking this goddamn situation right here!
So we think: "Crap! AAA will take forever to show up, lets just politely ask around."
Here is where humanity shines, was even going to give whoever helped us $10 bucks... And this is a bright faggy sparkle blue PT cruiser GT... Not exactly an evil looking car like my 1965 300...
The following is just a small sample of helpful people:
-Mom with snot nosed kids in minivan, gets in minivan as quickly as possible and takes off as if a bunch of faggots like us were going to hump her in her floppy stretched out beef-curtains.
-Mexicans in pickup truck, halfheartedly look around in places NO ONE with a pickup would EVER put jumper cables! Then say "sorry man, we took em' out yesterday."
-fart sniffing pricks in Toyota Prius "Oh... We don't keep jumper cables in THIS car." then walk off with their noses in the air like they were on a power walking marathon for a dildo made of gold.
-Dude with 1 kid and raised SUV that could fit 20, "Oh sorry, I had to take them out yesterday."
-rich prick couple with Lexus. Walks away really fast ignoring us completely as if we were piss covered homeless guys asking for spare change. (I had deodorant on and changed into a fresh thong 4 days ago... Sheesh, some people!)
-Guy in utility box truck with more toolboxes on it than a hardware store, "Sorry man... Had to take them out yesterday."
-Stupid white guy with backwards baseball cap with stupid stickers still all over the brim in riced Piece of shit Honda with stickers of car parts he didn't even have in said car, "Nah Brah I don't keep jumpers in here because it might mess with my delicate electronics, but good luck brah." His car also had a "double euro racing stripe backwards and on the passenger side, I made sure to point out he was a moron... Much like the fuck-stick I love so much that lost his jumpers.
....
Meanwhile, we are doing this and druggy McWhiteboyburnout is making deals with people all around us for whatever his code words for drugs was, we think (maybe he was actually getting a deal on new sub-woofers with random dudes), He says he knows a guy at a nearby dealership that would have some jumpers to spare (likely he meant drugs)... So we send the fuck-stick I love most off with druggy McSpazzface in his limo tinted front window, honda civic body-kitted, Mercedes, to nearby discount Car-mart, or certain death and or incarceration.
Me and other fuck-stick ask a few more jerkbags that, for some reason, ALL took their jumper cables out of their cars "the other day." I guess there was some massive party in the area and a small 1 square foot coil of jumper cables must have got in the way of all their beer and hotdogs and happy prescription medications, or something...
So at this point I go: "Meh... Lets just relax here while I call AAA like I should have done from the start, because people suck." So I call, and am all, in my most faggoty of voices telling the big black lady on the AAA service line about my fabulous Sparkle blue PT cruiser having a tizzy of a time starting and likely needing a big strong Adonis in a shining tow truck to come out and give its battery a sensual massage back to life, until she was laughing her ass off on the other end of the line along with many people in her office since we had to be on speaker phone by that time and could hear them all. (Side note... Humor can make tow trucks show up faster... Proven fact!)
While we are waiting some dude and his jail-bait girlfriend decide to rob the nearby Best Buy of display cellphones, and cops are suddenly all over the place like someone just shot the President of Uranus (heh), or such.... Yay entertainment! I thought I would trip the bad guy as he ran by, but knowing California I'd likely get sued for injuring a poor defenseless criminal so I just laughed as all the overweight cops waddled after the dude.
Then I thought, Oh crap, where did the fuck-stick I love so much go? Hope he isn't dead or had his butt ruined by someone other than me. At this point said fuck-stick calls and says, like we all suspected, that "Daddys-mercedes-McDruggy-toolboy" didn't know shit and was busy rambling about something to a person that was actually a palm tree (I shit you not)... So fuck-stick that I love so much was walking back with no jumpers.
Meanwhile the cops are beating the holy living hell out of the guy that took display phones and can't find his jail-bait girlfriend.
-For the hell of it I decide to ask a guy in an electrical utility truck if he had any way to jump-start the fag-mobile. The second he said "Sorry..." I cut him off and said, "Lemmie guess, you took them out yesterday." and he goes, "Uh.. Yeah... Sorry man."
.... >.< Motherfucking ELECTRICAL truck... With wires all over it!
No way to jump...
Took em' out yesterday...
... Did I ever mention how much I love humanity and how much people care in the world? No? Because they FUCKING DON'T!
THEN THE TOW TRUCK SHOWS UP 30 minutes after calling AAA (without humor it usually takes them over an hour and a half to forever and then some), Jump-starts the turbocharged sparkle-wagon in 2 seconds... The fuck-stick I love so much makes it back with his butthole still intact (at least until bedtime, giggitty!), and we make a blue sparkly rainbow B-line for the nearest Pep-Boys to force him to buy some goddamned, motherfucking, jumper cables!
Moral of the story: Umm... People are lying assholes, and sometimes an asshole asking nicely for a jump start may give you $10 bucks or more for jump starting his fag-mobile and thereby removing some of your general asshole status... Or rape and kill you (gotta be realistic here, don't jump start the batteries of guys with white windowless vans that say free candy on the side... Well... Unless they actually have free candy... Yummy!)... So... Yeah, ya never know, but when someone asks me if I have jumper cables in my cars, and I do, I go "Fuck yes, I will gladly jump start the shit out of your car so you can go on with your motherfucking glorious day!"
This happened a few weeks ago and I felt I just had to share it for the Lawls... This will not be in MLA format, or grammar checked, because I make up too many flarging motherpumping derpwords.
Oh yeah... Commas and Ellipsis for the win!
So was with 2 other furry fuck-sticks (I mean it as a term of endearment! You fuck-sticks know who you are and I lurve you both, but one more than the other, because penis and living in same house as me.) ^_^... Had some shitty feelgood food at a hometown buffet because AMERICA and fucking bacon and ice-cream on top of pizza rules! (you can decide if we ate it or fucked it, possibly both)...
We leave the Fatass Buffet full of food and much poop...
And see a 1969 Charger in the Best Buy parking lot....
So we had to go over and start drooling over said 1969 Charger that a guy drove every day. So of course I HAD to talk to the guy about all things Mopar and let him show off his car, because who the hell drives a car that most guys would pay $120k for, as a daily driver? That is a special guy and he had a great story to go with it... Was very satisfying and would make a great Michael J.J. Abrhams Bay directed action movie.
We all talked to him for a little over an hour and he had to take off after some weird drug baked rich white boy driving a slammed POS Mercedes with a universal body kit zip tied on, stared foaming at the mouth pretending he knew shit about anything car related when he didn't even know if his own Mercedes had a 6cylinder engine or a V8 (I mean total druggie baked stoner tool white boy with the backwards hat, sagging pants, and talking like he was some hot shit black rapper)... Though we put up with him because, 1969 Charger being driven everyday!
So the battery in the PT died because a door was open or lights were on or such, because, 1969 Charger being driven everyday! (If you know what a 'trailer queen' is, it was not one, and I hate trailer queens.) So anyway dead battery, only needed a quick jump and all would be great so we could get home and poop and or throw up... But the fuck-stick I love most "lost" his jumpers that I have told him everyone that drives should always have in their car because, reasons like fucking this goddamn situation right here!
So we think: "Crap! AAA will take forever to show up, lets just politely ask around."
Here is where humanity shines, was even going to give whoever helped us $10 bucks... And this is a bright faggy sparkle blue PT cruiser GT... Not exactly an evil looking car like my 1965 300...
The following is just a small sample of helpful people:
-Mom with snot nosed kids in minivan, gets in minivan as quickly as possible and takes off as if a bunch of faggots like us were going to hump her in her floppy stretched out beef-curtains.
-Mexicans in pickup truck, halfheartedly look around in places NO ONE with a pickup would EVER put jumper cables! Then say "sorry man, we took em' out yesterday."
-fart sniffing pricks in Toyota Prius "Oh... We don't keep jumper cables in THIS car." then walk off with their noses in the air like they were on a power walking marathon for a dildo made of gold.
-Dude with 1 kid and raised SUV that could fit 20, "Oh sorry, I had to take them out yesterday."
-rich prick couple with Lexus. Walks away really fast ignoring us completely as if we were piss covered homeless guys asking for spare change. (I had deodorant on and changed into a fresh thong 4 days ago... Sheesh, some people!)
-Guy in utility box truck with more toolboxes on it than a hardware store, "Sorry man... Had to take them out yesterday."
-Stupid white guy with backwards baseball cap with stupid stickers still all over the brim in riced Piece of shit Honda with stickers of car parts he didn't even have in said car, "Nah Brah I don't keep jumpers in here because it might mess with my delicate electronics, but good luck brah." His car also had a "double euro racing stripe backwards and on the passenger side, I made sure to point out he was a moron... Much like the fuck-stick I love so much that lost his jumpers.
....
Meanwhile, we are doing this and druggy McWhiteboyburnout is making deals with people all around us for whatever his code words for drugs was, we think (maybe he was actually getting a deal on new sub-woofers with random dudes), He says he knows a guy at a nearby dealership that would have some jumpers to spare (likely he meant drugs)... So we send the fuck-stick I love most off with druggy McSpazzface in his limo tinted front window, honda civic body-kitted, Mercedes, to nearby discount Car-mart, or certain death and or incarceration.
Me and other fuck-stick ask a few more jerkbags that, for some reason, ALL took their jumper cables out of their cars "the other day." I guess there was some massive party in the area and a small 1 square foot coil of jumper cables must have got in the way of all their beer and hotdogs and happy prescription medications, or something...
So at this point I go: "Meh... Lets just relax here while I call AAA like I should have done from the start, because people suck." So I call, and am all, in my most faggoty of voices telling the big black lady on the AAA service line about my fabulous Sparkle blue PT cruiser having a tizzy of a time starting and likely needing a big strong Adonis in a shining tow truck to come out and give its battery a sensual massage back to life, until she was laughing her ass off on the other end of the line along with many people in her office since we had to be on speaker phone by that time and could hear them all. (Side note... Humor can make tow trucks show up faster... Proven fact!)
While we are waiting some dude and his jail-bait girlfriend decide to rob the nearby Best Buy of display cellphones, and cops are suddenly all over the place like someone just shot the President of Uranus (heh), or such.... Yay entertainment! I thought I would trip the bad guy as he ran by, but knowing California I'd likely get sued for injuring a poor defenseless criminal so I just laughed as all the overweight cops waddled after the dude.
Then I thought, Oh crap, where did the fuck-stick I love so much go? Hope he isn't dead or had his butt ruined by someone other than me. At this point said fuck-stick calls and says, like we all suspected, that "Daddys-mercedes-McDruggy-toolboy" didn't know shit and was busy rambling about something to a person that was actually a palm tree (I shit you not)... So fuck-stick that I love so much was walking back with no jumpers.
Meanwhile the cops are beating the holy living hell out of the guy that took display phones and can't find his jail-bait girlfriend.
-For the hell of it I decide to ask a guy in an electrical utility truck if he had any way to jump-start the fag-mobile. The second he said "Sorry..." I cut him off and said, "Lemmie guess, you took them out yesterday." and he goes, "Uh.. Yeah... Sorry man."
.... >.< Motherfucking ELECTRICAL truck... With wires all over it!
No way to jump...
Took em' out yesterday...
... Did I ever mention how much I love humanity and how much people care in the world? No? Because they FUCKING DON'T!
THEN THE TOW TRUCK SHOWS UP 30 minutes after calling AAA (without humor it usually takes them over an hour and a half to forever and then some), Jump-starts the turbocharged sparkle-wagon in 2 seconds... The fuck-stick I love so much makes it back with his butthole still intact (at least until bedtime, giggitty!), and we make a blue sparkly rainbow B-line for the nearest Pep-Boys to force him to buy some goddamned, motherfucking, jumper cables!
Moral of the story: Umm... People are lying assholes, and sometimes an asshole asking nicely for a jump start may give you $10 bucks or more for jump starting his fag-mobile and thereby removing some of your general asshole status... Or rape and kill you (gotta be realistic here, don't jump start the batteries of guys with white windowless vans that say free candy on the side... Well... Unless they actually have free candy... Yummy!)... So... Yeah, ya never know, but when someone asks me if I have jumper cables in my cars, and I do, I go "Fuck yes, I will gladly jump start the shit out of your car so you can go on with your motherfucking glorious day!"
By the way... Are those jumpers for batteries or nipples?
Well you usually dont want to use the same jumper cables you use on cars to then use on your balls or nipples as you may have to worry about lead exposure... Err... Well.. Umm... Not that I would know, of course... From experience... Or anything...
Umm... So... How's the weather down there, it is nipply... I mean weathery?
*whistles all innocently*
Always nice to know there are still, at least, a few motorists out there with some motoring manners. ^_^
I lost count on how many I have jumped off.
Now as for a sexy gay furret, you night get something else jumped
Hey now... I do the gay jumping round these here parts. *points to crotch* Giggitty!
But on-topic, what a shame for all that hassle. *rub-rubs*