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11 years ago
In the last 6 months i have barely gotten out of bed. I've stopped my trainning and have written nothing.
For a year or two i've been sinking deeper and deeper into depression. So bad I've lost my ability to focus and my motivation has fallen to pieces. I have fallen apart.
My loving wife Beckaroo has been here to hold my hand and to make sure i get to therapy ans take my meds. My world though, continued to grow smaller, darker and infinity less pleasant.
I've been living by the skin of my teeth. But every time i think of going through with it i have these two little kids that i would be leaving behind, wondering if they would think i didn't love them. It stops me by crushing me down into a sobbing mess. Even writing this tears stream down my face at the thought of hurting those kids and disappointing my wife.
I've been fighting an identity issue for nearly 30 years. it is the only part of my life for long stretches of memory that remains. I have done so much damage by not addressing the issue. It's like a beach where the beautiful white sands have been washed away leaving only the black mud. When i look through my past the good times fade and the memories of my mistakes and breakdowns stand out from dwelling on them and building them up instead of holding on to the good times with both hands.
I am Gay. My family and friends now know. But i still must hide it from the mass public out of fear that my in-laws find out and cause problem for the wonderful woman that has been my wife for ten years in sept.
The stress of my old job was a catalyst. but it also made me realize after a couple of years i run away from the people around me. it was fear of letting anyone close enough to see that something was wrong.
Now life must start over. Sure some of you might be thinking that is a little mellow dramatic. Maybe it is. But it is a huge obstacle shutting off all the fears and the hatred i felt within myself. it is taking time. hopefully not a life time.
I must relearn who i am after thinking i had it figured out countless times. and learning that each one of those times i was lying to myself and hiding behind this facade.
Thank you for reading.
For a year or two i've been sinking deeper and deeper into depression. So bad I've lost my ability to focus and my motivation has fallen to pieces. I have fallen apart.
My loving wife Beckaroo has been here to hold my hand and to make sure i get to therapy ans take my meds. My world though, continued to grow smaller, darker and infinity less pleasant.
I've been living by the skin of my teeth. But every time i think of going through with it i have these two little kids that i would be leaving behind, wondering if they would think i didn't love them. It stops me by crushing me down into a sobbing mess. Even writing this tears stream down my face at the thought of hurting those kids and disappointing my wife.
I've been fighting an identity issue for nearly 30 years. it is the only part of my life for long stretches of memory that remains. I have done so much damage by not addressing the issue. It's like a beach where the beautiful white sands have been washed away leaving only the black mud. When i look through my past the good times fade and the memories of my mistakes and breakdowns stand out from dwelling on them and building them up instead of holding on to the good times with both hands.
I am Gay. My family and friends now know. But i still must hide it from the mass public out of fear that my in-laws find out and cause problem for the wonderful woman that has been my wife for ten years in sept.
The stress of my old job was a catalyst. but it also made me realize after a couple of years i run away from the people around me. it was fear of letting anyone close enough to see that something was wrong.
Now life must start over. Sure some of you might be thinking that is a little mellow dramatic. Maybe it is. But it is a huge obstacle shutting off all the fears and the hatred i felt within myself. it is taking time. hopefully not a life time.
I must relearn who i am after thinking i had it figured out countless times. and learning that each one of those times i was lying to myself and hiding behind this facade.
Thank you for reading.
Lots of love and hugs,
Alkane
As for your struggle to find yourself along with realizing your orientation...don't worry about it too much. The more you sweat it, the worse you'll perform and more likely you are to slip once more. Stay strong, and know that you are in control of who you are and no one can break that. Starting over again might not be easy, but it's also the result of your victory over "going through with it".
All the best for you and your future Thad. *hugs*
You and Becka are constantly in my thoughts...
Know that I love and support you both and if you ever want to chat.. I am here for you both.
Take care and try not to let the depression eat away at you too much.. You are a strong, caring person who has always brought a smile to my face.
You've always been an incredibly talented guy! Many times Ive actually been jealous of your writing skills!