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Goodbye Mr. Williams
11 years ago
Robin Williams was and will always be a magnificent being filled who entertained the world for as long as I can remember. At the lovely age of 40, that’s a long time. Happy Days, Mork and Mindy, Good Morning Vietnam, Aladdin, Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, Dead Poets Society... just to name a few. These were some of my favorite Robin Williams appearances. Hook is still one of my all time favorites and now, I dont know if I will be able to watch it for awhile without breaking out in tears at the loss of this amazing actor and entertainer.
Im just a silly little fan. Awed by the antics of this clown that won our hearts across generations. Whether he was a dramatic actor, a comedic actor, a philanthropist or a family man, he gave his whole heart into whatever he was doing. Working with children, animals, adults... he made you laugh until you cried. And if you were crying, he made you laugh. Many a reporter couldnt keep their cool while interviewing this wonderful jester, even making the usually cool cucumber of Barbara Walters giggle in glee.
I know he had his dark points, drug and alcohol abuse which he still struggled with until shortly before he died. He wasnt quiet about his addictions nor his multiple stints in rehab, but he was quiet about the biggest battle he was facing in his life.
Depression.
Its a heartless disease. Effecting everyone from the rich to the poor, the rainbow of races, the men, the females, the kids to the elderly. Single, married, straight or gay. Depression hits everyone in various stages, some to the blue days and some to the dark days of suicidal thoughts. Its not something that can be fixed with a rainbow sticker and some glitter. Cheer up is not an option and never will be. Its weird like that. One can be depressed for days on end, and one day... not be. But those bright days never last. And as sure as the day is long, the blanket comes back and covers you.
In 2003, I tried to commit suicide. I was new at it, and just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. And the naive part of me thought that downing an entire brand new bottle of aspirin was the way to go while drinking beer or something. An ex friend got concerned and called an ambulance when I said goodbye to him. I stayed 3 days under observation and came out with a diagnosis of Chronic Depression or Dysthymia.
Now, Chronic Depression is not the same as Manic Depression.
Lets compare Depression to a big chocolate cake freshly frosted and decorated.
Chronic Depression is taking a nice little slice of it. Still probably too much for your diet. But lets splurge a little.
Manic Depression is eating the entire cake, going to the store and buying 4 more cakes and eating them while shoving butter into your mouth and throwing cupcakes at the cat.
Im sad. All the time. I feel useless, worthless, unsatisfied. I think my family would be better off without me. I consider myself a burden and I dont think anyone really likes me. I still think of suicide on a daily basis but its fleeting because I have “goals”. I get severely anti-social and if I dont have prior commitments, I lay in bed all day sleeping off and on because I just dont have the energy to move or the mind set to deal.
I constantly get people telling me to cheer up, or why am I moping, or even better... “There are people out there with worse problems so get the fuck out of your funk.”
*eye roll*
When I found out that Robin Williams died... my first thought was... “I didnt know he was sick.” Maybe it was a heart attack? A car accident? Brain Aneurism? Something explainable. Something solid.
But when I heard Depression. I knew.. I knew that his demons finally reared their heads and he just couldnt anymore. The fighting day after day to smile and take a breath and live... was just too much to bear. He was tired. Tired of fighting so long.
I knew. Anyone who is suffering from depression knows. We have all stood at the edge of the cliff, looking over into the churning sea, wondering if this was the day we would take that step. Something always takes our hand and leads us back. Whether its children, spouses, friends... but sometimes they arent there to take our hands. Sometimes its just not enough.
Im just a silly little fan. Awed by the antics of this clown that won our hearts across generations. Whether he was a dramatic actor, a comedic actor, a philanthropist or a family man, he gave his whole heart into whatever he was doing. Working with children, animals, adults... he made you laugh until you cried. And if you were crying, he made you laugh. Many a reporter couldnt keep their cool while interviewing this wonderful jester, even making the usually cool cucumber of Barbara Walters giggle in glee.
I know he had his dark points, drug and alcohol abuse which he still struggled with until shortly before he died. He wasnt quiet about his addictions nor his multiple stints in rehab, but he was quiet about the biggest battle he was facing in his life.
Depression.
Its a heartless disease. Effecting everyone from the rich to the poor, the rainbow of races, the men, the females, the kids to the elderly. Single, married, straight or gay. Depression hits everyone in various stages, some to the blue days and some to the dark days of suicidal thoughts. Its not something that can be fixed with a rainbow sticker and some glitter. Cheer up is not an option and never will be. Its weird like that. One can be depressed for days on end, and one day... not be. But those bright days never last. And as sure as the day is long, the blanket comes back and covers you.
In 2003, I tried to commit suicide. I was new at it, and just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. And the naive part of me thought that downing an entire brand new bottle of aspirin was the way to go while drinking beer or something. An ex friend got concerned and called an ambulance when I said goodbye to him. I stayed 3 days under observation and came out with a diagnosis of Chronic Depression or Dysthymia.
Now, Chronic Depression is not the same as Manic Depression.
Lets compare Depression to a big chocolate cake freshly frosted and decorated.
Chronic Depression is taking a nice little slice of it. Still probably too much for your diet. But lets splurge a little.
Manic Depression is eating the entire cake, going to the store and buying 4 more cakes and eating them while shoving butter into your mouth and throwing cupcakes at the cat.
Im sad. All the time. I feel useless, worthless, unsatisfied. I think my family would be better off without me. I consider myself a burden and I dont think anyone really likes me. I still think of suicide on a daily basis but its fleeting because I have “goals”. I get severely anti-social and if I dont have prior commitments, I lay in bed all day sleeping off and on because I just dont have the energy to move or the mind set to deal.
I constantly get people telling me to cheer up, or why am I moping, or even better... “There are people out there with worse problems so get the fuck out of your funk.”
*eye roll*
When I found out that Robin Williams died... my first thought was... “I didnt know he was sick.” Maybe it was a heart attack? A car accident? Brain Aneurism? Something explainable. Something solid.
But when I heard Depression. I knew.. I knew that his demons finally reared their heads and he just couldnt anymore. The fighting day after day to smile and take a breath and live... was just too much to bear. He was tired. Tired of fighting so long.
I knew. Anyone who is suffering from depression knows. We have all stood at the edge of the cliff, looking over into the churning sea, wondering if this was the day we would take that step. Something always takes our hand and leads us back. Whether its children, spouses, friends... but sometimes they arent there to take our hands. Sometimes its just not enough.
