I'm sorry for my absence and that I haven't been very responsive. Especially to those that have sent notes or left comments that I haven't responded to. I've been dealing with depression for quite a while, almost 2 years now. The serverity of it has its highs and lows, and the last couple weeks it has been very bad.
I see things I need to do, things I need to respond to, things I should want to do cause they're things I enjoy... but I can just never get the drive, motivation, or energy to get myself to do it. Most of the time, all I can do is sleep. I slept about 30 hours this last weekend. I can't even bring myself to play video games most of the time.
It seems to be getting worse. The only thing I can ever really force myself to do is get up and go to work, cause I have to. But even that is getting harder and harder. Especially when I think about it. I'm agonizing myself doing labor for 8 hours a day, simply to sustain myself. But what for? A worthless life with nothing good and no happiness, and ABSOLUTELY NO hope that that will ever change. So why go to work? To prolong hell? Why not just let it all end now? The more I realize this, the harder it is to even do what I "have" to do.

I've been going to a therapist. I'm not sure for how long now. 8 sessions? Maybe 9. I don't know that its helped. It could be my fault though, that I'm just not as depressed on the days I go, and I just seem better off to them than I am. I think they think because I'm trying things to solve my depression, they want to just support that for now and see if it works. But I'm about at my wits end here. I don't want to ask them to have a doctor prescribe me anti-depressants though, or increase the meager amount I'm on.
Yeah, if they got me some really good anti-depressants it might actually really make me happy. That's great, happiness is what I want. But it would be a false, dependent happiness. Dependent upon those pills. And after being depressed for so long, I probably do have some actual chemical imbalances in the brain, but the core, root causes of my depression are outside sources. Things that could be fixed. And if fixed, I could find happiness. If not fixed, well, I could go on anti-depressants and be happy, but it would just be a bandaid over the wound.
I know myself. I am not ambitious, I am not a take charge kind of person. I am complacent. I am VERY complacent. If I am happy with something, I will NEVER, EVER do anything to try and make it better. Therefore, if a negative stimulus is taken away (unhappiness) by an anti-depressant, I would simply stop ever trying to fix the things in my life causing me depression. On the flip-side, I'm so depressed that its extremely, extremely hard to come up with the energy or motivation to get myself to try and fix my depression as it is now.

As for what's causing the depression. Primarily, its not having a girlfriend. And the knowledge that I never will have one. I try. I've set up profiles on a few dating sites, message people, try to talk to people, and they never message me back, or just up and vanish. I don't know what's so fucking wrong with me, but I guess life is just telling me to give it up and end everything. That, and having pretty much no people around here to be friends with. I have online friends, I have friends that live quite a ways away, there's hardly anyone that lives actually nearby, (as in, the same city/ less than 30 minutes away), where I can just call them up and be like, hey, can I come by and hang for a bit?

So what do I get to do every night day after day? Sit here, alone, in this apartment. Starring at a computer screen. Refreshing FA, twitter, facebook. Over and over and over and over. Hearing about how everyone else has all these buddies they are out doing this or that with.

So, once again, I'm sorry that its taken me a long time in the past to get to comments and notes, and currently is taking a while yet again. I hope to respond to stuff shortly, and post some more stuff soon. If my depression allows, and I don't just decide to ..

Anyway, I leave you with lyrics from one of my most hated songs, but that pretty much sum up exactly how I feel

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault