Sorry to whomever reads this .. I just needed to clear some thoughts..I do this best by writing. So please excuse the following... This is probably going to get as close to my honest self as I am willing to allow ... I may add more, I may delete this , we will see.


11/9/14 1:58 am.

So, a diary hmm? To myself, to others? I'm not sure yet..but there are things I need to air ...thoughts to write..for they won't stay quiet or leave me be. Though, to myself, or anyone reading this..it is not to place blame or fault..nor for sympathy though it may get personal..so try sta y indifferent..please. :) Simply, I hope it helps me see things more clearly..even if it's just to see exactly what i'm thinking..why I've been so unstable and unsettled recently..well..a lot longer than just recently..I should stop doing that..pretending things are fine..but heck, how else should I go about it?

Or perhaps it's a matter of self confessions... for example..this font is ok, but It's not exactly perfect.. though..
Nothing ever is, is it? But it's always fine, ok, alright. No matter what happens.
Indifference. I masquerade behind it at times, but usually, that's when I'm probably being most honest, because at the bottom of my heart, if there is such a thing, that's what I am, how I've learnt to be … to survive..

Survive is probably over stating it, … exist is probably more accurate.
I say this rolling a cigarette. Irony, no? To talk of existence when shortening one's own? Oh, I know the risks, for god's sake, I've had family die from smoking, or should I say, it's effects on the human body.
But.. It doesn't seem to bother me.. I know I should worry, should quit. Hey, I have cut down..but that's more due to not wanting to rely on things to make life seem easier.. plus it's an expensive habit that doesn't do my fitness (laughs mockingly) any good.

That said..there's a lot that does me no good, but I still just let it go.. I seem to just watch things in my life happen, like someone watching petals flow down a river. Oh. Apologies..I've always had a way of wording things well..sometimes too well.. I digress....

Talking of bad habits... Seems I've once again fell for a couple of human traits. I should know better by now of course, hence I distance myself from people, things..life. But admittedly..I still get human pangs of emotion, and other such things. Oh? Those traits..how rude of me not to explain.

Quite simply, getting attached..friends and such. And trust, a major one I should know to avoid like love ...like a plague of the most alluring kind.
Once again..I start acting more human, slowly making a very few “Proper” friends.. and worse, trusting them. Once again though, as I should expect by now, things fall apart, no matter how well I build and support them, no matter how much I try to avoid previous mistakes.


I guess the main mistake was thinking I could try to be normal, have real friends, make life “work”. Not to say I'm more than human, if anything, moreover, I become less human the longer I live..but all the better at masquerading as human.. as seeing the reason or sense behind it.
I know better .. I can live without it all.. I can live behind the façades.

But, it's hard..awfully so. I don't particularly care, but the more I have to fake it, the better I get at faking it..the more real it becomes..the harder it is to pull my self out of my own deception.

I'd like to extinguish it all, just like the cigarette I just had, but how am I to cope in life, in society, unless I have these guises, these defences? I can't leave myself at the mercy of other people, at the mercy of experience.. I've had enough experience in life and it's troubles to know it's dangerous.

These fake emotions, and their real counterparts are all I have. My only protection, asides wit and sarcasm. I've tried being out and out indifferent, but I have a habit of wanting to help others..

At the lowest form, I don't care, I am indifferent.. but all the guises I put up to help make life easier and cover that up, drag me in .. I lose either way. So .. I can't simply cut away from everything completely, nor can I throw myself into normality. How then, do I proceed? Hmm?

Do I allow myself to love, and care about people and life, and making something of this life? Or do I watch it all just drift past... To be honest.. I already do ..just watch it go by … careers, hobbies, people..they come and go just as quickly, and like a river, I can't grasp or control it...merely watch and take note..try to avoid the current sweeping me away.

I'm extremely passive, which doesn't help..I've learnt too much constraint..it's embedded into me … Possibly has somethng in relation to the distancing thing I do with everything, I suppose... But sometimes..I still want to scream, to lash out.. to make something notice I exist, beneath the masks, beneath the falsities, beneath the blending in and appeasing.
But , nothing ever comes of it.. I feel helpless, despite faking control.


I try and stay out of it, people.. my own thoughts..any sort of emotional feelings. That way I have some control, right? But it isn't enough to make things work apparently.
And when I try to be ..or should I say live, like any other person..or when I try and get somewhere in life... I still fail..something goes wrong, something bars my way.. Or it goes completely the opposite way to how I want to make my life.

Just look at my escape to Uni .. short lived independence.. I loved being away from it all.. family anyone I knew..how things were.
The fresh start and freedom, it was beautiful...but I couldnt understand or cope with it..with normality ..understanding that up till then, my life was all wrong.. So I grasped at straws while falling in despair and confusion.. other things happen that only quickened the confusion. I ended up homeless...but .. I loved it..Still free, from everything..not needing or depending .. nothingness. Maybe it' end there, or maybe i'd sort things out..Start my own life properly?

But no ...I ended up brought home ..My father didn't like me being homeless ..didn't understand that it was better for me...that..bringing me home..to my small room with this family? Would only send me deeper into despair..a feeling of utmost failure and helplessness. Since then nothing has improved..jobs I don't last in ..unemployment once and again and again ..hobbies never getting anywhere .. friends leaving or betraying trust.. those I love and care for hurting me, whether they mean to or not.
Friends and people I care for in countries I fear I shall ever be able to visit.

Life seems to not progress..and as I watch the river go by, everything flows with it except me, outside, left on the riverbank.. Life's too slow for me..too uncreative, and ..hell I really don't belong anymore..not anywhere or in any way...
So how do I proceed?
Make a life I resent? Accept hoplessness and just do nothing for the rest of my years, keeping out of everything? Or keep attempting and failing at getting things under control, to … live like anyone else?


Maybe that's why I love anime / manga so much..they are other lives, worlds I can escape to, with normal problems, normal lives. Reality leaves me alone briefly..but then I have to come back.

I hope one day I escape this situation ..one day.. live normally..truly be independent, happy...free. But.. if so far is anything to go by... I'll never be that fortunate. If so, I guess it's a waiting game until my final breaths..the sweet embrace of final nothingness .. but I must wait till then.

Despite the smiles, the fake , or brief happiness..those false, alluring moments? I can't wait for it to end..either way.
And if it takes that long?
Well...
It won't truly be death... I've been dead for too long already.

I guess that's enough for tonight..Perhaps another cigarette..some manga before I finally, in despisement, crash out? Hmm .. To let you in on a secret, I don't know which I despise more,,falling asleep, or being awake?