27/09/2014 2:00 AM

Well, back again. Not been too well recently. Damn flu/ cold thing ..seasonal I'm sure..tends to lay of for a bit and then sucker punch me twice as bad..second round of meds almost over already..hopefully it'll honestly ease off this time. Still..nothing I can't handle. Perhaps that, and other things have contributed to feeling more tired recently.

I've even dreamed in the last two nights, a rarity for me..even more oddly..they weren't nightmares or bad dreams either, which almost never happens. I forget them quickly, but can just recall some of the last... Hmm..seems to be playing on a sense of longing perhaps? Maybe my more human side is trying to break me subconsciously ? Make me more..emotional, human, than I intend? Admittedly, I do feel further away from things... more not only detached, but... Lost.

Lost. How ? I've always been lost.. why is it hitting me more than usual? It's uncomfortable..not unpleasant, but not comfortable at all. Am I to become more docile, or swing the opposite ..or maybe just fall further away from things? And why do I dream now, what does my subconscious plan to do? Slyly evoke emotions? Part of the dream was certainly love based... trying to remind me that I could fall in love, that it is normal, human, necessary to most. That it's another for of admiration that I simply choose to refuse. Sly, to sneak it past as simple admiration..knowing how I love to try see good in all things, as well as the negative. Though, 'tis no surprise my subconscious shares my cunning abilities. But the rest of the dream? Now that requires some further thought...or perhaps..further dreaming, should I be so lucky..

Despite such dreams...something is making me feel comfortable further away from people and friends.. almost, luring me further from them. What, I do not know.. and for now, I am wary of it. The distance I keep now is about as reasonable as I can manage..much further, and I'll lose my understanding of people, much closer, and I might fall prey to emotions and circumstances that arise from them, or should I say, further to prey. They're troublesome enough at this distance.

Again, my art suffers.. I'm not sure it's a block.. not even a lack of motivation..but maybe a lack of care, of love? Passion, I miss it sorely..but such is the price of mediocre. Such is the price of safety. Still, if I don't practice soon, I may lose the progress I made, painstakingly..if I haven't already, that is.

They say that some people are no longer truly living, but awaiting their finality. I wonder how close to the truth this might be in my case? Do I really still have a passion for life..or am I simply passing time? Passing time to please others, and then be done ? What truly drives me now? I don't think there is anything in particular anymore.
A leaf on a breeze, drifting through a desert.