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I'm loosing my mind, and I'm so tired... (Venting)
11 years ago
I really need to vent right now.
I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, just all around tired. My sleep schedule has been nonexistent the last few weeks as I've been staying up all night, sometimes until 8am, because I can't be woken up by an alarm since I sleep so deeply (I've looked for alternatives, even vibrating bands, and nothing seems to work). This means that whenever I want to contact somebody in the UK about my visa or university course I have to stay up all night. This has led to me pretty much going to sleep at 8 only to wake up at anywhere from 3-5 in the afternoon. By this time I've missed most of the day, and when everyone goes to bed I can't sleep, so I just drive around or sit in my room. To be perfectly honest I have no idea which instils me more with a feeling of isolation and depression. Driving around with nothing to do but wait, no one awake to talk to. At first this was paradise, now every night is just like solitary confinement.
Worst of all I have no idea when I'm going to regain any sense of schedule. I'm waiting on a visa, I have no idea when it will arrive, and plan to leave the day it arrives. Compounding my stress is the fact that if it is late, and doesn't come by Oct. 4, and I'm not in the UK by the 6th I don't go to school this year. All my work, $4000, and all the stress for nothing.
The days have started blending into each other and I just want it to be over. I just want to sleep until it's over. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I honestly do. This is mentally torturous.
And I know people are reading this tempted to tell me to suck it up, but you have no idea what this is like. To be constantly tired, alone, and waiting, but you don't know when it's all going to end, and even if it's going to result in anything.
I've been brought to tears every night the last week because I can't stand this anymore. My emotions spike and dull wildly, everything from emptiness and numbness to rage and paranoia. I feel physically ill nearly all the time, mostly from stress. I can't get my mind off the entire predicament. So far I only have fleeting distractions from the stress, and as stupid as it is the reality show 'Utopia' has been the only consistent respite from it all.
I just want to get back to my life, because so far the last few weeks have felt like nothing but a long, long nightmare. And to be perfectly honest I spent about 3 hours two nights ago completely believing it actually WAS a nightmare, and that I was just sleeping. I spent about an hour trying to 'wake myself up.' In retrospect this is obviously foolish, but at the very least it clearly shows how desperate I am for this all to be over.
I'm so tired of this...
I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, just all around tired. My sleep schedule has been nonexistent the last few weeks as I've been staying up all night, sometimes until 8am, because I can't be woken up by an alarm since I sleep so deeply (I've looked for alternatives, even vibrating bands, and nothing seems to work). This means that whenever I want to contact somebody in the UK about my visa or university course I have to stay up all night. This has led to me pretty much going to sleep at 8 only to wake up at anywhere from 3-5 in the afternoon. By this time I've missed most of the day, and when everyone goes to bed I can't sleep, so I just drive around or sit in my room. To be perfectly honest I have no idea which instils me more with a feeling of isolation and depression. Driving around with nothing to do but wait, no one awake to talk to. At first this was paradise, now every night is just like solitary confinement.
Worst of all I have no idea when I'm going to regain any sense of schedule. I'm waiting on a visa, I have no idea when it will arrive, and plan to leave the day it arrives. Compounding my stress is the fact that if it is late, and doesn't come by Oct. 4, and I'm not in the UK by the 6th I don't go to school this year. All my work, $4000, and all the stress for nothing.
The days have started blending into each other and I just want it to be over. I just want to sleep until it's over. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I honestly do. This is mentally torturous.
And I know people are reading this tempted to tell me to suck it up, but you have no idea what this is like. To be constantly tired, alone, and waiting, but you don't know when it's all going to end, and even if it's going to result in anything.
I've been brought to tears every night the last week because I can't stand this anymore. My emotions spike and dull wildly, everything from emptiness and numbness to rage and paranoia. I feel physically ill nearly all the time, mostly from stress. I can't get my mind off the entire predicament. So far I only have fleeting distractions from the stress, and as stupid as it is the reality show 'Utopia' has been the only consistent respite from it all.
I just want to get back to my life, because so far the last few weeks have felt like nothing but a long, long nightmare. And to be perfectly honest I spent about 3 hours two nights ago completely believing it actually WAS a nightmare, and that I was just sleeping. I spent about an hour trying to 'wake myself up.' In retrospect this is obviously foolish, but at the very least it clearly shows how desperate I am for this all to be over.
I'm so tired of this...
