I'm moving on from a long and painful chapter in my life and i'm accepting myself for who I am.

Admitting that i'm transgender is a painful process but in being honest with myself I have to face who I am in order to be happy. I am going to work on transitioning into becoming a woman. This all isn't easy and sometimes things can be overwhelming but I can't run away from things.

I know this means loss from me. I've been part of the gay community for so long and saying goodbye to that is painful. I have people I still love who things will never work out and that is painful. I know i'll end up facing discrimination and rejection in the future. It isn't easy looking at that. I honestly don't want things to be this way but some things you don't have a choice.

I've spent too many times crying over this kinda stuff. I attempted suicide over identity issues and it woke me up that things need to change. Truth be told, this is nothing new. I've fretted over identity issues for years. I haven't identified as male for years and I thought of myself as androgynous. Sure I leaned towards the feminine side, but I was in denial still. But every time I got called miss I was happy. It made me smile. Whenever I dressed up to look nice i tried to look as female as possible and I didn't understand why. But along with other things that are more private things finally make sense.

I'm not even sure why i'm writing this journal. I think it is more for myself than anything else.

Anyhow. So yeah. This is a hard time for me and I hope i can just make it through it okay.

~Lucille Pyrus
(formally known as Lucien Pyrus)