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11 years ago
Okay, so lately, life has been a hell.
Since last time I wrote a journal, tons of shit have happened.
I was accused for harassing, manipulating and being plain horrible and awful to members and staff of the group www.domain-of-the-wolf.deviantart.com
That pretty much struck me down and I have been down ever since, and it's almost, at LEAST a month ago now, and I am STILL not better.
I know it's ridiculous and many people are probably gonna go "It's not real, they don't even know you face to face, get over it. You decide how your life is supposed to be."
It might not be real, and though I know it's false that I am a horrible person (all my friends at least, tells me that I am a nice person and relatively loyal to everyone that means something to me). Sure, I do dumb things every now and then, but who doesn't? It's human nature to do dumb things.
It's human nature to NOT BE PERFECT. I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be.
But being fake and accusing good people for bad things whilst making childish decissions, trying to make others believe that you're mature, is not right.
Admins: Quailmix, MatrixPotato and Buttgrapes/Spicybuns
are 3 of four people that accused me of being horrible.
A friend of theirs, and co-admin of the group www.dogs-of-canidale.deviantart.com too agreed to the fact that I was horrible.
and may I tell y'all that none of them gave a shit about me afterwards, it was like I wasn't even there. I was ignored for a long time and when they finally responded to notes as well as messages on skype, they were mean and rude.
I was 'fine' both mentally and physically before they treated me that badly.
But after their treatment, even if it was just messages they sent to me, I literally got sick. I felt bad, had lack of apetite, my depression kicked up, and even though I have begun to drink water and eat healthier foods again now, I am still not well.
I am constantly tired and I practically just wanna give up.
The only reason that I am still here and able to sit and type all of this shit is because I am too cowardly to kill myself.
Honestly, I should have died 1st January 2014.
I shouldn't have made it through, I should have died and been mangled in the worst possible way.
I would've been out of this hell forever.
Instead of being left with a death wish that keeps returning to me at every waking moment.
I feel better when I sleep.
I was good in my sleep.
But then I woke up.
If this is the reality I live in, if the real world I live in, insists on making me feel and have a horrible life, then I don't wanna live it.
I can't change my own life.
I've tried, and failed.
Every time I think that things are getting better they get worse.
Since last time I wrote a journal, tons of shit have happened.
I was accused for harassing, manipulating and being plain horrible and awful to members and staff of the group www.domain-of-the-wolf.deviantart.com
That pretty much struck me down and I have been down ever since, and it's almost, at LEAST a month ago now, and I am STILL not better.
I know it's ridiculous and many people are probably gonna go "It's not real, they don't even know you face to face, get over it. You decide how your life is supposed to be."
It might not be real, and though I know it's false that I am a horrible person (all my friends at least, tells me that I am a nice person and relatively loyal to everyone that means something to me). Sure, I do dumb things every now and then, but who doesn't? It's human nature to do dumb things.
It's human nature to NOT BE PERFECT. I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be.
But being fake and accusing good people for bad things whilst making childish decissions, trying to make others believe that you're mature, is not right.
Admins: Quailmix, MatrixPotato and Buttgrapes/Spicybuns
are 3 of four people that accused me of being horrible.
A friend of theirs, and co-admin of the group www.dogs-of-canidale.deviantart.com too agreed to the fact that I was horrible.
and may I tell y'all that none of them gave a shit about me afterwards, it was like I wasn't even there. I was ignored for a long time and when they finally responded to notes as well as messages on skype, they were mean and rude.
I was 'fine' both mentally and physically before they treated me that badly.
But after their treatment, even if it was just messages they sent to me, I literally got sick. I felt bad, had lack of apetite, my depression kicked up, and even though I have begun to drink water and eat healthier foods again now, I am still not well.
I am constantly tired and I practically just wanna give up.
The only reason that I am still here and able to sit and type all of this shit is because I am too cowardly to kill myself.
Honestly, I should have died 1st January 2014.
I shouldn't have made it through, I should have died and been mangled in the worst possible way.
I would've been out of this hell forever.
Instead of being left with a death wish that keeps returning to me at every waking moment.
I feel better when I sleep.
I was good in my sleep.
But then I woke up.
If this is the reality I live in, if the real world I live in, insists on making me feel and have a horrible life, then I don't wanna live it.
I can't change my own life.
I've tried, and failed.
Every time I think that things are getting better they get worse.
I know this journal is 3 weeks old but I found you through an art piece, thought I'd check out your page/gallery, and saw this on the front... so I thought I'd talk to you...
While I consider myself acquaintances at least with MatrixPotato (I used to talk to them a long time ago, they were generally nice to me, but we've fallen out of talking to each other for the most part, not sure why, don't really care. I comment occasionally on their art/journals, but other than that we live separate lives) and I've never had a bad experience from them... I will assume you're not lying. I've never talked with you so I'll believe you until you prove otherwise... I don't know if Matrix was convinced of things (as I've been the victim of lies before and being convinced of things) or if they started it, I don't care, it's none of my business. I'm not going to think badly of either of you. I just want to begin with that... To let you know that even though I know them and have never been lied to as far as I know... that I'm going to assume you're not lying.
I know no one is perfect... everyone makes mistakes. I don't know what happened between all of you and that's okay with me, you can tell me or not tell me, I won't push. Just know that you don't deserve to die...
I suffer from anxiety, depression, ptsd, schizophrenia... my anxiety, especially within the past few months, is bad enough I've had to visit the E.R. because my stomach was literally eating itself with acid I was so stressed... I had three days where I was in so much pain I couldn't eat, drink, or sleep... and I cried often... and I don't cry. I get chest pains often and have to be careful how much stress I put myself under because I simply cannot deal with it. I don't know how to handle my emotions and am always worried I'm offending people because when people meet me in person they think I'm mad or want to kill them all the time... which I don't, I just have resting bitch face and don't know how to show I care sometimes... I have to make extra effort to show others I do care and it's just easier for me over the internet, lol.
But enough about me, now that I gave you the rundown so you know that I'm not just some stupid prat who doesn't know what I'm talking about... I want you to know that lives are worth it... even yours. I know that most people would say you've never met them so why do you care but I'm the kind of person and I know people who have had their names slandered over the net and I know the feeling... and you're not alone. I'm the kind who takes you as you are, regardless of rumors, and lets you show me for yourself what you're like... (Unless there's obvious evidence that you like steal art and are a total dickwad, then I block before meeting them... But that doesn't include you >.> )
But uh... I don't even know you and I "give a shit" about you. <3 Hope that doesn't bother you...
But, yeah... if you want to talk or anything, you can vent to me, I don't tell anyone other than maybe my girlfriend that I live with or my therapist but they don't tell shit to anybody... and maybe, if you want to try being friends... we could do that too, if it doesn't bother you that is.
Sorry if this is a lot by the way, usually I don't know what all to say so I either say too little or too much.
Just know it's okay, and if you want to talk, I'll listen <3
Thanks <3
You're very welcome <3