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Depressed rambling.
11 years ago
Just wanted to put this into words. If you don't want to hear somebody crying about stupid things, don't bother reading.
You ever just feel realy really lonely? I'll start with some of the events that lead up to my current feels, and work forward from there.
I met a guy on Second Life who seemed too good to be true. I was already digging him before I dropped the 'diaper' bomb on him. Amazingly, it turned out he fancied himself a daddy. I felt like I'd found the holy graal. After a few days, he stopped talking to me. I didn't know why. I tried to find out, but the best I could get from him was that he was 'going through somethnig'. It sounds stupid and selfish, but it was really hard to find somebody so amazing, then not be talked to for a week on end. I tried to help him through it as best I could, but he wouldn't let me in, and I guess in the end I pushed to hard. He broke things off.
I was depressed for a few days, but got over it. OK, maybe it was a week or two.
A couple of months later, I found out one of my online friends was in the pony AB/DL scene. He was even somebody I'd seen content from. In a state of shock, I got to know his secret side, and visa versa. He fancied himself a dominant, and liked sisses, so I guess we hit it off a bit. We played around on cam a bit, and I thought things were going great. Problem was, I was with somebody, sort of. It wasn't super serious, but it was enough to feel guilty, and the other guy started to go silent because he felt the same way.
I finally mustered the courage to break things off but didn't want to make the new guy feel bad for me dumping the old guy, so I figured I'd wait a couple of weeks. This was convenient, because I was actually moving out from home for the first time, all the way to Illinois (from California) to room with an old friend.
I suddenly got told one day that he had a new boyfriend. It was somebody he'd talked about a lot, and I knew that that was the real reason for the sudden guilt.
I was devestated. I hadn't been in really any kind of relationship in over 6 years, and suddenly 3 of them show up and disappear on me. I felt horrible, guilty, selfish, but most of all depressed. I kept thinking, and still do, about all the stupid things I'd done, working myself up with what if's. What if I hadn't been so clingy, what if I'd said something right away. It still eats away at me.
I was reading AB/DL stories in bed tonight, and came across one that broke me down. A cute little story about a girl getting caught in diapers, breaking down, and her friend offering to play mommy.
The feels were astronomical. I feel stupid for saying it, but it hurts so bad being alone. I haven't done anything to deserve it, so I feel bad wanting it, but I need a daddy in my life. I need to make him happy. I need to be called his little girl, praised when I'm good, punished when I'm bad. I need somebody to sing me to sleep, or tell me bedtime stories. I'd even just take an "I love you" before bed. It's on my mind more and more every week, and I just can't take the depression anymore.
I was hoping typing this out would help things a bit, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm going to go back to bed and hope I can get to sleep this time. :c
You ever just feel realy really lonely? I'll start with some of the events that lead up to my current feels, and work forward from there.
I met a guy on Second Life who seemed too good to be true. I was already digging him before I dropped the 'diaper' bomb on him. Amazingly, it turned out he fancied himself a daddy. I felt like I'd found the holy graal. After a few days, he stopped talking to me. I didn't know why. I tried to find out, but the best I could get from him was that he was 'going through somethnig'. It sounds stupid and selfish, but it was really hard to find somebody so amazing, then not be talked to for a week on end. I tried to help him through it as best I could, but he wouldn't let me in, and I guess in the end I pushed to hard. He broke things off.
I was depressed for a few days, but got over it. OK, maybe it was a week or two.
A couple of months later, I found out one of my online friends was in the pony AB/DL scene. He was even somebody I'd seen content from. In a state of shock, I got to know his secret side, and visa versa. He fancied himself a dominant, and liked sisses, so I guess we hit it off a bit. We played around on cam a bit, and I thought things were going great. Problem was, I was with somebody, sort of. It wasn't super serious, but it was enough to feel guilty, and the other guy started to go silent because he felt the same way.
I finally mustered the courage to break things off but didn't want to make the new guy feel bad for me dumping the old guy, so I figured I'd wait a couple of weeks. This was convenient, because I was actually moving out from home for the first time, all the way to Illinois (from California) to room with an old friend.
I suddenly got told one day that he had a new boyfriend. It was somebody he'd talked about a lot, and I knew that that was the real reason for the sudden guilt.
I was devestated. I hadn't been in really any kind of relationship in over 6 years, and suddenly 3 of them show up and disappear on me. I felt horrible, guilty, selfish, but most of all depressed. I kept thinking, and still do, about all the stupid things I'd done, working myself up with what if's. What if I hadn't been so clingy, what if I'd said something right away. It still eats away at me.
I was reading AB/DL stories in bed tonight, and came across one that broke me down. A cute little story about a girl getting caught in diapers, breaking down, and her friend offering to play mommy.
The feels were astronomical. I feel stupid for saying it, but it hurts so bad being alone. I haven't done anything to deserve it, so I feel bad wanting it, but I need a daddy in my life. I need to make him happy. I need to be called his little girl, praised when I'm good, punished when I'm bad. I need somebody to sing me to sleep, or tell me bedtime stories. I'd even just take an "I love you" before bed. It's on my mind more and more every week, and I just can't take the depression anymore.
I was hoping typing this out would help things a bit, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm going to go back to bed and hope I can get to sleep this time. :c
NoxVulpes
~noxvulpes
Mates certainly are rare and hard to come by specially those who will accept all of our little quirks. It is unfortunate that you have had to exsperance "rejection", i'm sure you already have been told this but its doesn't always have to be your fault, you ask all these questions that you will probably never get an answer to and eat yourself up from the inside out with guilt and depression when you had nothing to do with why they broke off or it didn't work out,There is someone out there for every one you just might have to wait a little while to find the right one. Never sell yourself short just because you feel desperate, you know that just like a diamond you are made special and unique by what some even you may view as your flaws. *Hugs* hold in there, theirs always a light on the other side of life's storms.
Brony-Tux
~brony-tux
OP
Thanks for reading and responding. I really, really appreciate it. I've been having one of those weeks, I guess. It's silly, I've heard all this a million times, but hearing it again does help a bit.
