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Conflict. /EMO EMU INSIDE SCHIZO AHOY
16 years ago
My mind is just plain honestly screwed right up.
There are lines I cannot seem to cross, ones I normally try very hard not to. When these lines are crossed, I... react poorly. I become depressed, physically ill (such that my stomach becomes very very unsettled), and I have a hard time continuing. There's nothing wrong with that. Presumably, every single person has limits. No, I have problems with the fact that I try to do it ANYWAY--because I feel like it might make someone else happy.
I think this is why I've become a consent addict... I have a very, very hard time saying 'NO, I DO NOT ENJOY THIS.' to someone. I used to be much better at it. I wonder what happened? When did I stop mattering so much to myself? When'd I stop giving a damn, when did I stop saying "I have a future, I will work toward it, I deserve things that make me happy as much as other people do"?
I almost apologized. Just now. TO MY JOURNAL.
I mean it. I started to type I'm sorry. Who the hell am I apologizing to? It's not like me not digging SERIOUS NCplay is a new thing, or nescessarily a bad thing. ..Hm. Maybe a trip down memory lane will help me out here.
Gooo back in time.. and hey, there I am, young bunny, buying slaves from places like pens and.. ...always.. trying.. to do positive role play, every time. Hm. Liberation stuff, caring stuff. Sure, sex sometimes. But overall positive, INCLUDING the sex. Restoration of worth. Healing. Loving. Dependency-play or not. Hrm. I guess this is nothing new.
So why feel guilty about it? Why not indulge only the fantasies I can enjoy and not feel wrenched by? What makes me so god-damned unworthy of liking it, Me?
...Because I'm not them, huh? Zat it? Because I see myself as a mistake, and I don't want them to be sad because I told them no? Wise the hell up, Self! Truuust your inner bunny. If you're not into it, TELL THEM, for my ears' sake; they'll find someone who is and can be more into it than you are!
I think this talk has done us BOTH good. Mmhm.
Golem's still pissy we're not working, by the by, but he understands it's a time thing. Don't give up, real-life dude.
There are lines I cannot seem to cross, ones I normally try very hard not to. When these lines are crossed, I... react poorly. I become depressed, physically ill (such that my stomach becomes very very unsettled), and I have a hard time continuing. There's nothing wrong with that. Presumably, every single person has limits. No, I have problems with the fact that I try to do it ANYWAY--because I feel like it might make someone else happy.
I think this is why I've become a consent addict... I have a very, very hard time saying 'NO, I DO NOT ENJOY THIS.' to someone. I used to be much better at it. I wonder what happened? When did I stop mattering so much to myself? When'd I stop giving a damn, when did I stop saying "I have a future, I will work toward it, I deserve things that make me happy as much as other people do"?
I almost apologized. Just now. TO MY JOURNAL.
I mean it. I started to type I'm sorry. Who the hell am I apologizing to? It's not like me not digging SERIOUS NCplay is a new thing, or nescessarily a bad thing. ..Hm. Maybe a trip down memory lane will help me out here.
Gooo back in time.. and hey, there I am, young bunny, buying slaves from places like pens and.. ...always.. trying.. to do positive role play, every time. Hm. Liberation stuff, caring stuff. Sure, sex sometimes. But overall positive, INCLUDING the sex. Restoration of worth. Healing. Loving. Dependency-play or not. Hrm. I guess this is nothing new.
So why feel guilty about it? Why not indulge only the fantasies I can enjoy and not feel wrenched by? What makes me so god-damned unworthy of liking it, Me?
...Because I'm not them, huh? Zat it? Because I see myself as a mistake, and I don't want them to be sad because I told them no? Wise the hell up, Self! Truuust your inner bunny. If you're not into it, TELL THEM, for my ears' sake; they'll find someone who is and can be more into it than you are!
I think this talk has done us BOTH good. Mmhm.
Golem's still pissy we're not working, by the by, but he understands it's a time thing. Don't give up, real-life dude.
