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Relationships and Why I Can't
11 years ago
*takes the bone out of his mouth*
Fair warning, this is just a rant I am posting to try to sort my thoughts out and hopefully get just a little insight from anyone who watches my Journals (I know I rarely read any of the journals I get on my list anymore since I never have time).
So, I watch on Facebook a lot, or just look around me. Here's a relationship. There's a relationship. Relationships all around me. Usually I don't let it bother me. But, every once in a while, it clicks in my head about them and gets to me some.
The unfortunate thing for me is that I have relatively left myself with no way to be in a relationship. I have no real experience with being in a relationship. So, I would hate to have someone waste their time on someone who doesn't know anything. At the same time, I wouldn't want to be with someone with the same lack of experience I do because I would feel bad for not having the experience to help lead the relationship when needed. This may seem a bit stupid, but I don't like troubling others. And since I don't know any better when it comes to matters of relationships, I would feel like all I am is a burden to someone who would want to have a relationship. I am not really that good when it comes to showing care. If someone has a problem, I feel bad and inadequet for being unable to comfort them because I don't even know what I could start to say to help them feel better. At the same time, I don't want to trouble anyone with my own problems and wouldn't be able to open up to someone with my problems as I don't want them to waste their time on me. I feel inadequet as I don't know much of anything about being intimate either. I would feel bad for being unable to take the lead and feel bad having to have someone lead me. In the end, the big problem for me is basically that I feel too inadequet for my lack of experience and don't want to trouble someone because of it, but also feel bad if someone does waste their time on me because of my inexperience.
Well, that was my basic rant journal for the evening. Figured I would post it just to calm my mind and everything. Hope everyone is good.
So, I watch on Facebook a lot, or just look around me. Here's a relationship. There's a relationship. Relationships all around me. Usually I don't let it bother me. But, every once in a while, it clicks in my head about them and gets to me some.
The unfortunate thing for me is that I have relatively left myself with no way to be in a relationship. I have no real experience with being in a relationship. So, I would hate to have someone waste their time on someone who doesn't know anything. At the same time, I wouldn't want to be with someone with the same lack of experience I do because I would feel bad for not having the experience to help lead the relationship when needed. This may seem a bit stupid, but I don't like troubling others. And since I don't know any better when it comes to matters of relationships, I would feel like all I am is a burden to someone who would want to have a relationship. I am not really that good when it comes to showing care. If someone has a problem, I feel bad and inadequet for being unable to comfort them because I don't even know what I could start to say to help them feel better. At the same time, I don't want to trouble anyone with my own problems and wouldn't be able to open up to someone with my problems as I don't want them to waste their time on me. I feel inadequet as I don't know much of anything about being intimate either. I would feel bad for being unable to take the lead and feel bad having to have someone lead me. In the end, the big problem for me is basically that I feel too inadequet for my lack of experience and don't want to trouble someone because of it, but also feel bad if someone does waste their time on me because of my inexperience.
Well, that was my basic rant journal for the evening. Figured I would post it just to calm my mind and everything. Hope everyone is good.
I'm more of a nusence than you may think. I'm needy, clingy, selfish, always scared I did something wrong and annoying. But to make it even worse, I also act like nothing bothers me, because that way people don't worry about me. I act strong even though I'm really scared. Because if I don't, then I'll break down and cry.
Even then, I'm not even very good at acting strong, either.