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Loneliness Rant
10 years ago
Call me a drama/attention whore if you wish. It won't be the first time I have over this kind of thing so I know how to deal with people with that kind of insensitivity.
It's been 2 years since it really started to affect me but it crept up on me and before I knew it the feeling has put me through agony for countless days. About early to mid 2013 things started getting worse much faster.
I lost most of the friends I was close with after finishing college, since they all moved on their separate ways and there's little hope of meeting them again regularly. The first thing that hit me was how much I missed hanging out with them in early 2013 just to play video games as it was probably the most fun I've had in years. Now I want to go back to being able to do that so hard it hurts... And going back to my consoles just makes for a sad reminder of the silence of playing alone.
Then about 4 months ago, I lost what good friends I thought I had left. This time it was the internet friends, coming out with reasons like "you didn't send me messages", yet someone else would get angry at me for sending them a message while they were busy, without any warning, so what the hell was I supposed to do?!
So now I have a job with just a single person I get along with and I like him, let's say, too much, but he doesn't have the same feelings with me as he's not the same orientation. The job also seems to take up all of the time I could use making something creative although what the hell is the point when I'm too exhausted and lacking in motivation to even try anymore. Sure it provides a distraction but it also adds more stress that I could live without.
Finally I feel distant from my parents. They may as well just be some far away friends and I don't really feel any attachment to them anymore and it makes me feel like a terrible person.
I've tried getting closer to people in my friends list on Steam by making pleasant conversation (obviously hiding my grief...), to have none of the effort returned even on people that long ago showed interest in me and I made the horribly regrettable move of dismissing.
Some nights I just wonder if I should give up and close myself off completely. My trust has been let down again and again and no amount of pain seems worth trying to find friends that look to be genuine, only to find when you really need them they won't be there for you. It's a real kick in the teeth when the last friend you thought you had disappears from your friends without notice, when this is the only person I had any real hope of meeting in person due to the smaller distance between where we both live.
If someone feels like they can help me, it would be welcome if you're not going to try and make me feel worse. I can honestly say you most likely won't be able to help me as having someone present IRL just isn't the same as a chat box, but still...
You may ask what the purpose of this entry was in such a case. I just needed to get this all out in a vent/rant somewhere and I feel like it would go unnoticed enough here (in contrast to Steam) that I wouldn't get inconsiderate assholes telling me I'm being an attention whore. Do you seriously think the people who are considering suicide should just shut up and not make it clear that they're in need of help? Do you think it's right that so many preventable suicides have probably happened because those people were afraid of being insulted for trying to get help?
It's been 2 years since it really started to affect me but it crept up on me and before I knew it the feeling has put me through agony for countless days. About early to mid 2013 things started getting worse much faster.
I lost most of the friends I was close with after finishing college, since they all moved on their separate ways and there's little hope of meeting them again regularly. The first thing that hit me was how much I missed hanging out with them in early 2013 just to play video games as it was probably the most fun I've had in years. Now I want to go back to being able to do that so hard it hurts... And going back to my consoles just makes for a sad reminder of the silence of playing alone.
Then about 4 months ago, I lost what good friends I thought I had left. This time it was the internet friends, coming out with reasons like "you didn't send me messages", yet someone else would get angry at me for sending them a message while they were busy, without any warning, so what the hell was I supposed to do?!
So now I have a job with just a single person I get along with and I like him, let's say, too much, but he doesn't have the same feelings with me as he's not the same orientation. The job also seems to take up all of the time I could use making something creative although what the hell is the point when I'm too exhausted and lacking in motivation to even try anymore. Sure it provides a distraction but it also adds more stress that I could live without.
Finally I feel distant from my parents. They may as well just be some far away friends and I don't really feel any attachment to them anymore and it makes me feel like a terrible person.
I've tried getting closer to people in my friends list on Steam by making pleasant conversation (obviously hiding my grief...), to have none of the effort returned even on people that long ago showed interest in me and I made the horribly regrettable move of dismissing.
Some nights I just wonder if I should give up and close myself off completely. My trust has been let down again and again and no amount of pain seems worth trying to find friends that look to be genuine, only to find when you really need them they won't be there for you. It's a real kick in the teeth when the last friend you thought you had disappears from your friends without notice, when this is the only person I had any real hope of meeting in person due to the smaller distance between where we both live.
If someone feels like they can help me, it would be welcome if you're not going to try and make me feel worse. I can honestly say you most likely won't be able to help me as having someone present IRL just isn't the same as a chat box, but still...
You may ask what the purpose of this entry was in such a case. I just needed to get this all out in a vent/rant somewhere and I feel like it would go unnoticed enough here (in contrast to Steam) that I wouldn't get inconsiderate assholes telling me I'm being an attention whore. Do you seriously think the people who are considering suicide should just shut up and not make it clear that they're in need of help? Do you think it's right that so many preventable suicides have probably happened because those people were afraid of being insulted for trying to get help?
