Today started bad. I hadn't yet told anyone at work about my gender issues, and it felt like I was always having to hide it. I wanted to tell at least one person so I could at least know someone else knows why I am sometimes being distant. But I never got up the confidence, and the more I put it off the scarier my paranoia made it all for myself. It has been a constantly building anxiety, culminating in me feeling physically ill this afternoon.

Thankfully, I finally decided anything is better than this suffering, so arranged a meeting with my old team leader who has always been very understanding. And obviously she was very supportive, and there was nothing to worry about. I told her that I don't expect much to change for some time, but I just needed someone who knew, who I could talk to if needed. She said that she would be happy to go grab a coffee or whatever if I needed a break in future. Having told her, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and the support was exactly what I should have expected, but was what my paranoid brain had been denying. So I feel much better now than I have for the last week, since I now have support at work, from family, and from friends.

I am also trying to embrace this side of myself more fully, so will be attempting to do/wear more outside of work. I have been asked how I want to be referred to with regards pronouns and names. I am still Za, and don't see my name changing soon, and at first I didn't want to change pronouns because it felt wrong (since I don't feel very feminine). But I realise now that I need to hear it and recognise that I am a she inside, even if I am taking some time to convince myself. So as a general rule I have decided that people should use whichever pronouns fit the way I am currently presenting myself, as positive reinforcement can only help me come to terms with all this.

I also fixed my toilet today, replaced the dodgy washer. So now it fills up properly rather than taking ages. That was also a satisfying end to the day.