For a long time I have wanted to be female, but only recently have I started taking that feeling seriously and treating it as gender dysphoria. I have made some progress in the past year, had my first GIC session, and I now often present female socially. However, I am still pre-HRT and haven't transitioned full time. I have reached a point where I need to do the scary bits to make any real progress, since the NHS requires me to transition full time for 6 months before prescribing hormones. My biggest fear is transitioning at work. I have told a couple of colleagues, but that's it so far. I am more worried about those outside of my team, the people I won't get to explain it to outside of work, but I still need to respect me. I am therefore considering using a private doctor to prescribe hormones prior to 'transition' to help me get over that, since I have heard that some of the psychological effects can make you more content long before any noticeable physical changes.

I have been given the consent form to sign to start private hormones, and it includes the following statement:
"I identify as a woman and have done so for more than two years"
Although I have never strongly identified as male, just accepted it as my assigned label, I am not sure I can really say I identify as a woman even now. I think the problem I have is that I can't currently bring myself to come out to everyone at work, and my main reason for looking into private hormones is to help me get past that, so if they don't help enough before the physical changes become too noticeable then I am not sure what I would do.

My concern is that at no point in my life have I ever felt like I am female, or trapped in the wrong body. I just think things would be nicer if I was female. So my question initial question would be: What is the difference between wanting to be female and being female inside? This is particularly awkward as a furry, as I struggle to justify why my desire to be female is any more legitimate than a furs desire to be an animal. I do experience aspects of gender dysphoria most days. For example, I'll glance at a colleague from behind and feel a drop in my stomach as I think to myself "I will never achieve a figure like that". So I purposefully keep myself distracted, working long hours and wasting what little time I have playing games.

Also, reading through the following reddit post gave me some hope:
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransge.....ays_life_as_a/
All of the descriptions of life post-HRT sound amazing, and I will admit that life can feel a little 'grey' at the moment. So I would like to hope that HRT may add some joy and colour into my life. But I worry that I am wrong and I may end up making things worse; inflicting physical changes that force me to either take undesired action or hide and become more recluse. How can I tell what is missing when I may never have experienced it? Maybe my current state of indifference towards life is a result of stress or the prolonged absence of a close partner, and there are other things I should do to fix it.

I know I am not fully male, but it's currently hard for me to justify being female. Maybe I am just gender queer and should return to my happy neutral point where everything was simple? Or is that me avoiding my fears and taking the easy way out?